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#1
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i asked her
why she was so upset/angry today. and she just said "well sometimes i just feel like crap, okay?" ... am i a horrible person? for wanting to scream that i KNOW what its like to feel like crap, i know what its like to have those sleepless nights, and i know what its like to be so stressed i want to yell and cry and hide, and that i have to keep going? im sorry im sorry if im a horrible human being but i need my parents right now, and i cant look after them, i cant play the parent i just need someone to take care of me. i cant try to make her feel better all the time. i cant do it, i cant get through these days by myself.
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I leave the gas on; Walk the alleys in the dark, Sleep with candles burning; I leave the door unlocked.. + im still breathing.. |
#2
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![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() (((((((bananasarecool))))))))
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"Unipolar is boring! Go Bipolar!" ![]() Amazonmom is not putting up with bad behavior any more. |
#3
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(((((((((bananasarecool)))))))))
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I know what it's like to want to be the one being taken care of instead of taking care of others all the time. Hang in there, and take care of you. You deserve to be looked after too! ![]()
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Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
#4
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Bananasarecool, you're bearing multiple heavy burdens. They each bring you your own unique grief. In time, may there be a joy to counter each grief.
I'm guessing from the context: was the upset person your mother? Is there any possibility to approach her not as child-to-mother but as depressed-to-depressed?
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#5
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thanks guys.
and its my mother, she doesnt have depression but she does get upset sometimes, she however is the kind of person that finds it hard to understand depression and has in the past expected me to just pull my socks up and get on with it. and i feel like my depressions my fault - i dont honestly get why, and i feel bad that it affects people around me so badly - i would be able to tolerate the feeling bad if i werent so weak, if i could concentrate, if i could sleep.. i miss what i cant even remember having. is that stupid? i mean... i miss being motivated, happy, feeling alive... its sad that i cant seem to take things in properly. i can acknowledge pretty sights, achievements, that people care (whether they're obliged to or not) and i know how theyre supposed to make me feel... i just dont feel it. its like theres a part of my brain missing. worst part is, all i want to do is be alone. i could starve, i could be exhausted, i could be having those "thoughts", but being with people just seems impossible. thankyou for being there. it means a lot. x
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I leave the gas on; Walk the alleys in the dark, Sleep with candles burning; I leave the door unlocked.. + im still breathing.. |
#6
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urgh
its so confusing; its like... depression tells you that you're just seeing life as it really is, lacking in seretonin makes you see clearly, you see the harsh truth, and that everything isnt real, you're numb, youre worthless.. you feel nothing and you feel so much pain. you see reality and you see what isnt. part of me doesnt want to recover because i dont want to be ignorant enough to see things as being perfect when theyre not, to feel that i shouldnt end my life because of some happy pills that make all my problems feel like theyve faded away while theyre still there, the same part of me wants to so that i dont have to see things like this. and then the logical part of me says that im thinking like this because im sick, that life should be worth living; look at all these happy people, people that can get on with it, you're sick, just like people with the flu you need to get better. i just want to sleep, i dont want to be here, especially not right now, not with these thoughts. my head hurts, i want to cry, i want to sleep. i just want it all to go away. and yet at the same time im scared of it doing so.
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I leave the gas on; Walk the alleys in the dark, Sleep with candles burning; I leave the door unlocked.. + im still breathing.. |
#7
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((((((((((((((((((( bananasarecool ))))))))))))))))))))
I am sending you some hugs hon, I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Please remember to try to make some time for yourself and treat yourself well, getting in a routine of treating myself sometimes helps me through the rough time. Also remember that the negative thoughts are just the depression lies. ![]() ![]() ![]()
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![]() Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
#8
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You said, "i just need someone to take care of me."
I have been saying that for 24 years, but here I am alone and lonely. I know what is behind those words of yours...I am sorry you have to be there too! I do hope you have a therapist to help you get through. I know what it is like to raise a child who is also mental not well. Mine was angry to the point of violence daily. And since I was the safe one who never deserted him, he took 90% of his anger out on me. I can remember freezing in my chair waiting for the blow to hit me...gratefully he never actually hit me. ![]()
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The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within - strength, courage, dignity. ~~Ruby Dee The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you might make one. ~~Elbert Hubbard |
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