[personaldemons]

I feel I am on borrowed time- that suicide will eventually get me. I have a good life on the surface but I can't shake the depressiveness and suicide ideation. Most of my former problems have been solved yet I still want to die. Basically it's a case of 'it's life and I don't value life'.. yet I am trapped in it as I have a son and a wife. I have been this way for at least 20 years- I am 34 and have tried to kill myself 7 times but not since my son was born just under 2 years ago. I long to get cancer or something. Am I going to kill myself or what?

[bananasarecool]

i'm... utterly crap at advice. its why i dont really post on other peoples'... im terrified that ill say the wrong thing because i currently have tunnel vision.
and i know what it feels like to not really know if you can even control doing those "something stupid"s or not or whatever. but think of it like an action; if you can hold back tears, if you can hold back screaming at someone or whatever, as hard as it may be, you can hold it back. i personally cant find the point in life, living, why its so bad not to - but i know that im not right. because im sick, you're sick and many people on this forum are - we are suffering from a mental illness and rather than have difficulty walking if you were to have broken legs or whatever, we just have problems living. find a point in it all.
but theres a light at the end of the tunnel. cbt, therapy, meds, time - whatever helps you get better.
i hope things get easier.
x

[Rohag]

It may not be exactly like yours, but I sometimes confront a feeling that suicide is waiting for me. Ironically, my depression robs me of the energy to obsess over it. Hmmm...almost worth a laugh, that - depression being my ally against suicide.

Personaldemons, you use the word "trapped." It seems to me you value something, otherwise you wouldn't feel "trapped" in life. Is it love for your family? You know best, and perhaps you can nurture whatever it is as a bulwark against suicidal ideation.

Bananasarecool knows what she's talking about. Thoughts don't necessarily lead to actions (in my case they rarely do). I'm just guessing, but if you've had seven actual attempts, I'd suspect that's a small fraction of the number of ideations.

Life has held on to you. I'm glad it has. I suspect others are, too.

[justfloating]

hi personaldemons, welcome to PC

I have felt that way about my depression too; when it was at its worst, I was sure of only two things in my life: that I was going to die, and that when it happened, it would be at my own hand. It's a terrifying thing to consider.

Then I read a book called Sunbathing In The Rain by Gwyneth Lewis that really helped turn things around. In it she says, "Even though depression's hell to go through, try to remember that although it hurts, it actually can't harm you... I repeat: depression itself can't harm you, only what you do about it can." I don't know how many times a day I repeated that to myself, that my depression couldn't harm me, that my actions were in fact my own and that I could stay safe. It's what's kept me alive. I can consider suicide but in the end, it's not someone else's hand that would harm me, it's my own, and I have as much control over that as I ever have. There is no phantom limb that is going to come at me in the night. I realized then that before I ever attempted to take my own life, there were things I could do to stop myself. I promised myself that the moment I found myself in a situation where it looked like I was about to hurt myself, I'd get myself to the emergency room first, I'd call my T, I'd call a friend, I'd do ANYTHING, because I do indeed have that power, and so do you. Depression isn't a death sentence, you can make it through this.

[Yoda]

I don't know if I can say anything that can help but I can say that I can relate to your depression and wish to die.

I have made one suicide attempt and thought of it many, many times. Like you I have wished to die of disease to spare me the pain of living. Earlier this year I was called back for a repeat xray when something was suspicious on my mammogram. I hoped it would be cancer so I could die from a respectful cause rather than suicide.

Earlier this year I told my son that someday I would likely kill myself but I didn't know when. Next year, ten years, twenty years, who knows? I told him I had a plan but didn't tell him what. He surprised me when he said I would die in the barn, right? He was exactly right. The barn with my horse has always been my safe place and a place of peace to live and I think to die.

I don't know if I am making things better or worse by discussing my thoughts. I don't intend to make things worse but want you to know you are not alone.

The best thing I can offer is that depression can get better. I have actually had a good day today because I spent time with my son and with my horse.

If you are not on medication you should be (IMO).

Hold onto what it is that you are living for. For me it has been to raise my son. I know my son needs me now and that keeps me alive. Your child needs you too. Look at your child's face and focus on the beauty. If you have only one reason to stay alive it is to raise that child.

Sending you enormous hugs in your moments of pain.

[kvinneakt]

Tough it out for your child. Period.

[depressedalaskan]

((((personaldemons)))) I do understand how you feel and wish our feelings would go away - Depression be gone.

[perhapsbelligerent]

heh... i have the same thing about cancer.

people sometimes ask me why i still smoke with gum and that being available to help me quit, i always respond with "how else am i suppose to get cancer?"

sadly im not really joking, i really do want to die, and preferably soon (not a suicide threat, i cant do that, ive tried, it doesnt work for me)

as for suicide not being inevitable, well in my opinion you probably could avoid it. it will probably take some major changes in your life, some therapy, and some help from your loved ones... but it's definately do able.

it just requires alot of well... work, and the motivation to do so.

i currently have very little of the latter, so i just kind of wallow in self defeat. i would think with a family and kid, your motivation would be up there, but hey, i never been in that family situation thing so i cant say for sure. however it sounds like something stick it through.

dont you want to see your son go through his adventures in life? teach him to drive, birds and bees, first heartbreak? that sort of stuff?

sounds like good motivation to make a change to me.

I've never been married and I don't have any kids but I know how you feel about the suicide aspect. I think about it all the time as well, just never attempted. I know the thought sounds like such a huge relief.

Hope things get better for you.

Originally Posted by personaldemons

I feel I am on borrowed time- that suicide will eventually get me. I have a good life on the surface but I can't shake the depressiveness and suicide ideation. Most of my former problems have been solved yet I still want to die. Basically it's a case of 'it's life and I don't value life'.. yet I am trapped in it as I have a son and a wife. I have been this way for at least 20 years- I am 34 and have tried to kill myself 7 times but not since my son was born just under 2 years ago. I long to get cancer or something. Am I going to kill myself or what?

[Knitnut]

"...that suicide will eventually get me"

It can only "get" you if you allow it to get you!!

I spent most of 2008 having suicidal ideations. What I didn't know was that there was medication out there that would stop those disturbing thoughts. Sadly, it was not during my two hospitalizations in 2008.

When I moved in April I had to find a psychiatrist a new doc to oversee my mental health meds. The last one never listen to me, he was too busy filling out the requisite form the medical practice required of him. In May she, the new doc, RXd generic Lamictal for me. She told me it would help stabilize my mood.

Recently I discovered that not only had my ideations gone away, but I have a hard time even getting my mind to have such thoughts. I am no longer seriously considering jumping off the hospital parking garage two blocks from my home.

Not only that, but for the first time in a decade of more I find myself laughing at things on TV and around me, and I have returned to singing in the car. I haven't been able to find anything funny, even when I knew I should be enjoying the funny and laughing. I just couldn't find that kind of joy in myself.

The first time I laughed out loud, a few week ago, quote honestly it sort of scared me and I thought to myself, "You can't be laughing! You are not allowed to laugh. How is this possible?" Now I am amazed still today, but I allow it to happen and don't try to surpress it as I have done in the past.

So, if you are having suicidal ideations, please seek medication. It has been a miracle for me and I want you to feel the miracle too!!

[Elysium]

No...but death is.