[Berries]

Inside my head:

I keep calling myself a liar and a faker.

I keep saying I've lied to all my doctors for the last 25 years.

I say I need to stop taking my anti-psychotic and not start any more meds, like my T and pdoc want me to.

I have to keep it a secret though. I can't tell my treaters or my family. I did that last time and the experiment was tainted.

This time it would be a true experiment, cuz no one would know but me. And I could go on untainted observations, instead of self-reports (they might be lies).

Problems are:

1. I like taking my anti-psychotic cuz it helps me get to sleep. And it keeps me from thinking about Satan.
And I want to try an anti-depressant and OCD med, cuz I think I might be depressed and I don’t want my OCD compulsions to get bad again ( I just recently had to stop my OCD med, after much improvement)
2. If I am not a liar and faker, I’ll get really sick and that would be unfair to my family who love and support me.
3. If I really am OK and not mentally ill, I’ll feel sooooooooo bad for wasting resources and putting my family through hell that I think I'll have to punish and hurt myself.

Most of all:
--I want peace from all this stuff going on and on and on and on and on in my head.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??????

[depressedalaskan]

((((Berries)))) Some times I ask myself the same thing, is it real? our illnesses that is? I don't know, but I do know that I can not function like I used to, or want to. I haven't got what it takes to be normal any more. What is doing this to me is unclear. I do know that I did try to stop all medications also - under doctors care - I wish that I would have not done that. It brought me to some very awful lows. Good luck at what ever you try. Hugs for your day. Always keep us posted.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Alaskan

Some times I ask myself the same thing, is it real? our illnesses that is? I don't know, but I do know that I can not function like I used to, or want to. I haven't got what it takes to be normal any more.

I have to echo what Alaskan says. Even though sometimes I feel this all must be a clever mental illusion created by my morally defective subconscious to justify laziness, I keep running into myself as if into a wall. Something definitely is wrong.

From your post it appears you have determined that at least one of your medications - regardless of the "a-psy" label normally attached to that medication - actually 1) helps you get to sleep and 2) relieves you of unwanted thoughts. The fact it does these things for you indicates at the very least two of your problems are real and not at all faked.

Whatever you decide to do, you already have two hard facts. I hope you can develop a relationship with your doctors whereby they will cooperate with you in experimenting with your meds in a safe, carefully monitored manner. You deserve to feel and live better.

Oh, third hard fact: PC loves Berries!

PS: If wasting resources troubles you, don't go into government...

[*freak*]

I don't think you're neither a liar nor a faker.
If there's something that never lies, that's pain. Suffering is always real... it's not questionable.

I can't give you any advice, because I have no way of knowing what you should do.. I don't know your situation... But I care. So whatever you decide, I truly hope it will be the right thing to do... And I hope you'll feel better soon

Take care

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Rohag

appears you have determined that at least one of your medications actually 1) helps you get to sleep and 2) relieves you of unwanted thoughts. The fact it does these things for you indicates at the very least two of your problems are real and not at all faked.

Whatever you decide to do, you already have two hard facts.

That actually helps quite a bit. Once again your unique & clever insight, as well as your compassion comes to the rescue!!!!

Thank you Rohag.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

((((Berries)))) Some times I ask myself the same thing, is it real? our illnesses that is? I don't know, but I do know that I can not function like I used to, or want to. I haven't got what it takes to be normal any more. What is doing this to me is unclear. I do know that I did try to stop all medications also - under doctors care - I wish that I would have not done that. It brought me to some very awful lows. Good luck at what ever you try. Hugs for your day. Always keep us posted.

It is nice to know I am not alone, thank you, dear D.A. thank you.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by *freak*

I don't think you're neither a liar nor a faker.
If there's something that never lies, that's pain. Suffering is always real... it's not questionable.

I can't give you any advice, because I have no way of knowing what you should do.. I don't know your situation... But I care. So whatever you decide, I truly hope it will be the right thing to do... And I hope you'll feel better soon

Take care

Thank you Freak. I appreciate your support, very much.

Unfortunately, my brain refuses to believe I am in pain or suffering. It just says I am a midly uncomfortable person who has a low tolerance for pain and just likes to complain and whine a lot.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by *freak*

I don't think you're neither a liar nor a faker.
If there's something that never lies, that's pain. Suffering is always real... it's not questionable.

I can't give you any advice, because I have no way of knowing what you should do.. I don't know your situation... But I care. So whatever you decide, I truly hope it will be the right thing to do... And I hope you'll feel better soon

Take care

[Naturefreak]

Berries , I can think of much BETTER THINGS to fake .
Who wants to fake the nightmare that depression brings.

I wish I was faking it , I'd rather take the guilt .

Take care of yourself . Hugs

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Babysteps09

Berries , I can think of much BETTER THINGS to fake .
Who wants to fake the nightmare that depression brings.

I wish I was faking it , I'd rather take the guilt .

Take care of yourself . Hugs

That makes sense!
Thank you for the hugs too!!

[trevorzero]

Hi, Berries

The central thing that I see is that you are engaged in a fundamental inner conflict. Part of you wants to be one way and part of you wants to be another way. It is a tug of war.

Every single human being has multiple personalties living within them. These personalities are not fully formed but are more like aspects or sub-personalities. Most people handle this complexity of personality quite well. But some people become stuck in a war inside their mind.

The only way to find peace is to blend together these warring aspects and achieve a coherent unified personality. Each warring sub-personality is somewhat correct in what it represents but is also somewhat incorrect. So it is not a case of choosing one "voice" over another.

Listen to both sub-personalities and then take the most reasonable thoughts from each and merge them into one very sensible whole personality. By doing this, you will end the tug of war and you will finally find the peace that you seek.

[*freak*]

Originally Posted by Berries

Thank you Freak. I appreciate your support, very much.

Unfortunately, my brain refuses to believe I am in pain or suffering. It just says I am a midly uncomfortable person who has a low tolerance for pain and just likes to complain and whine a lot.

I know... Our brain is supposed to be rational and objective, yet it often gets it all wrong and keeps deceiving us. That's why we have feelings Do you feel the pain? If you FEEL it, you can't be wrong...
[If what I'm talking about doesn't make sense, it's because my brain works in weird and mysterious ways too ]

Take care

[Berries]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

But some people become stuck in a war inside their mind.

That is me. I am not handling this war well at all!

Originally Posted by trevorzero

Listen to both sub-personalities and then take the most reasonable thoughts from each and merge them into one very sensible whole personality. By doing this, you will end the tug of war and you will finally find the peace that you seek.

I've read that over and over again. It makes so much sense objectively, but I don't know if I have the courage it would take to do it.

Originally Posted by *freak*

I know... Our brain is supposed to be rational and objective, yet it often gets it all wrong and keeps deceiving us. That's why we have feelings Do you feel the pain? If you FEEL it, you can't be wrong...

{Firstly, I love your username!}

I am not sure I know what I feel. Overwhelmed and scared, I guess. I don't know if that is "suffering" or "pain".

[*freak*]

Originally Posted by Berries

{Firstly, I love your username!}

Thank you I love Berries too (sure eat lots of them )

I am not sure I know what I feel. Overwhelmed and scared, I guess. I don't know if that is "suffering" or "pain".

It's both. It's discomfort. It's knowing that things are not going as they should be. It's unhappiness. It has many names and many different meanings, but it's preventing you from living the life you want as you want it. You don't have to be in excruciating pain 24/7 to be able to say that something's wrong

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Berries

My inner voices say stop taking my anti-psychotic and not start any more meds, like my T and pdoc want me to.

I have to keep it a secret though. I can't tell my treaters or my family. I did that last time and the experiment was tainted.

I had it all planned out. How I would take half my dose last night and then a quater and then none. And then I thought about the racing thoughts, the psychomotor agitation, the tummy distress and nasea, they sleepless nights obsessing and looping thoughts, the visions, the nightmares... And i thought about my mom noticing and getting worried and accusing me of stopping meds and me lying to her.
So I texted my T. I said HELP????... He texted: "Meds or Hospital.. You choose."

I took a deep breath and took my meds.

My brain is still chattereing away, but I feel like I just won a battle in the war.

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by Berries

I had it all planned out. How I would take half my dose last night and then a quater and then none. And then I thought about the racing thoughts, the psychomotor agitation, the tummy distress and nasea, they sleepless nights obsessing and looping thoughts, the visions, the nightmares... And i thought about my mom noticing and getting worried and accusing me of stopping meds and me lying to her.
So I texted my T. I said HELP????... He texted: "Meds or Hospital.. You choose."

I took a deep breath and took my meds.

My brain is still chattereing away, but I feel like I just won a battle in the war.

Yes you did, Job Well Done.....

[*freak*]

Originally Posted by Berries

My brain is still chattereing away, but I feel like I just won a battle in the war.

You did. And you did great