Why can't I learn to live again? Is there no live after mental illness? After a relationship that's been over for months? Why do I only have fun on VERY rare occasions? Sometimes I feel like I deserve all this misery I live in... and I DO live in misery. Life is difficult right now and it seems like no matter how hard I try, every step up the mountain I take is followed by a subsequent plummet back to the bottom. How long do I have to try before I reach the top? I guess the answer is never or it wouldn't be called life. You reach the top when you die. But I want to at least be remotely happy on the way up. A genuine smile would be nice. I haven't had one in I can't remember how long. Everything hurts so much sometimes... the tears never end when I feel this way. It will pass... so is the course of bipolar, but it sure is hard to see out when I'm down like this. I'll be ok though.

Ry

I should add that my ex and I are having a party tonight and while I'm in this wretched storm of cold black snow I have to get the entire place ready. I don't even want to have people over now even though I know it could be fun.

Ry

Ryan, you have been through an a lot of things recently and I've been impressed that you're doing as well as you are.....Pat yourself on the back right now and try one little smile for Fayeroe and I.......then start the project of making your day a good one!! xoxo pat

Well, I'm going to get out of the house and get some stuff for the party tonight. Maybe that'll start to lift my spirit. Thanks Pat.

Ry

[Parker10]

Hey - lets talk !! How about that "stinkin thinkin" thing, you know like - tonights party you say you know it could be fun etc etc........how about "A party !! This is going to be fun.........and in the safety of my own home"!!!

You seem to be trying so hard Ryan, and just in the time I have been coming to this site, I have seen changes in your posts. Every person on this earth has good and bad days, whether they are diagnosed with a mental illness or not. For those of us with a Dx, it just makes us work harder in almost every aspect of our lives. Fair? Heck no.......but we have to play the hand we are dealt. I used to just "fold my cards" without even looking at the hand I was dealt cause I knew it was BAD.......but that just let the mental illness WIN - without me even peeping out to see what I COULD do .........when I changed things, started learning how to play the hand I was dealt, and beat that demon dealer, in baby steps, I started seeing that I COULD enjoy life, I COULD learn new skills to help me. Did I get really bad "hands" dealt even after I started recovery? HECK YEAH. Do I still get bad hands after 15 years in recovery - HECK YEAH. However, I know what to do with those hands now, and I deal with them - thru ALL the techniques I learned and practiced and practiced and practiced ! I still practice them daily. I probably always will. Am I at the top of that mountain you spoke of? Nope, but now when I take a little tumble, I get right up and start up again, brushing off my backside, and never giving it a thought ! One thing I am 100% sure of, I will NEVER be at the bottom of that mountain again - knowledge gives me power, coping skills give me power.....and they do with you too. You just gotta get rid of that 'stinkin thinkin"

I have no idea where u live - but I am in VA - can I make it to the party on time ?

Have a blast ! And when u post about it - keep the "stinkin thinkin" out of the post ! KEEP ON KEEPIN ON !!!!

[vacantangel]

Sorry to hear you're in a bad place again Ry. It truly is a wretched place to be, I'm not going to deny that but you also know that it will pass. Force yourself to get ready for that party and make up your mind that you will have a good time. Don't beat yourself up sweetie. You've gone through a lot of loss and heartache lately and you've been going through a lot with therapy. Cut yourself a break. You always say that I can bring a smile to your face when you're down, is it working this time? You're going to get through this one, just like you've gotten through all the ones in the past. Sometimes I think you put way too high expectations on yourself, going gung ho with determination to beat this thing. Maybe a little slower will work better for you. I'm not saying lose that determination you have, I admire that in you but don't set your expectations so high that you can't meet them. You don't have to do everything all at once. Give yourself more time, it's not a race. You're gonna get there. I totally believe in you. I'm also extremely proud of you and everything that you've accomplished since I've gotten to know you. You should also be proud of yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back instead of beating yourself up. Don't let that depression convince you of things that we all know, including you, that are not true. I hope I managed to get even just a half smile out of ya, did I Ry, did I? How about a whole smile now? C'mon you can give me a full smile. I know you can. I have total faith in you. Take it slower and don't put high expectations on yourself for your party tonight either. If it doesn't work out for you, then so what, it's just one party. In the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. There'll always be another opportunity to try again and again and again. Opportunities for baby steps will always be there Ry. You know that fighting this beast will always be, sucks but with BP, there's no getting away from it, just don't let it over-power you. You're the stronger one. I KNOW YOU ARE!!! Now, give me another smile Ry, c'mon, you know you wanna!!! Take care of yourself, my sweetest, bestest friend. Keep safe!!! Love you to pieces.

((((((((((((((((( Ry )))))))))))))))))

......you're gonna be ok hon.....

[Wants2Fly]

I know exactly what you mean, Ryan. When I am in this place -- and I am -- and I see a message such as Parker's, I know that everything Parker write is true, but it's like there is some little button in my emotions that is on "off" and I can't relate to the truth of the message.

I hope that once you get started, the forward momentum will carry you through. And maybe you'll even have some fun!

(((((((((((((((((((((((Ryan))))))))))))))))))))))

[jmo531]

RYAN,

I too struggle with this. It's hard when you feel like your taking 5 steps forward and then 10 steps back. Like you never ahead of the game. I have been in a bad way lately as you know but I had to find strength with in me to put my pain and misery aside and just make that one step ahead. It was hard. It still is. Everyday is a struggle. I often think about my mental illness and If I will ever know the true feeling of happiness with in me. I think I will. I hope I will. I guess everyday we have to move closer and closer to it as best as we can. We are here for you when needed. Always. I know how you feel about not wanting people to come over (to your party). It's almost as if you want to isolate yourself. DONT. This party is the best thing for you. Before you know it you'll be cuttin a rug and screaming "OH WERE HALF WAY THERE. OH OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER. TAKE ME HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT I SWARE. OH OH LIVIN ON A PRAYER". I can see you now. Have fun RY. You deserve it.

[cat_eye]

(((((((((((((ryan)))))))))))))

I like the animation in your signature. I have a couple of ferrets myself

personally, i believe that you're going to have a "very good" evening.........xoxoxopat

[ltlredvett]

I know the feeling all too well. It has been years since I have been truly happy.