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#1
May 09, 2005, 02:13 PM
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I'm needy. sorry. just need to talk about this. I'm a bit scared.
I still don't feel a real person. Desperate ache inside for love and approval. Sad. Alone. I have no close friends. So desperate for communication I do it online. Running up a huge phone bill. Just rambling. Felt more secure after therapy. Cried loads when I got home. (was that why both my flatmates then went out?) Just want to sleep and be comforted and held. I feel like a 2 year old, or maybe 9. Or maybe both. Grieving so much for what I never had when I was a child and can not have in that form now. And the way it has left me. It is safe here. Noone is judging me or telling me I'm weird and a freak and laughing at me. I HAVE eaten today---and will take a Zopiclone tonight and hope that sleep brings some healing. Its so painful, I don't want to numb it away, but its frightening being alone with it. sorrel |
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#2
May 09, 2005, 02:16 PM
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((((((((sorrel))))))))
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#3
May 09, 2005, 02:37 PM
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it is reassuring that somebody cares.....thank you.....
(not good with words right now..sorry...) sorrel |
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#4
May 09, 2005, 02:55 PM
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sorrel.....you say that you don't feel like a real person......well you are......and you're feeling lots of emotions like real people do...and as long as you are here....you're never alone.....sending positive, loving thoughts your way
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#5
May 09, 2005, 03:22 PM
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thank you....it seems its so hard for me to believe that feeling means I am real....I hadn't made that connection...have always felt I am wrong to want to be loved....
(lots of unresolved oedipal issues) The self hatred is weirdly more real to me than caring...Sounds twisted I know... I do have a tendency to dissociate/depersonalise (BPD/PTSD) When my hands start to go numb... This lack of sense of person-hood, is devastating...has been with me all my life...I have abandoned myself forever...hopefully I am beginning to change that now---important things happening in therapy....and it hurts.... thank you..... sorrel |
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#6
May 09, 2005, 04:04 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sorrel}}}}}}}}}}}
Your not alone.....we are here and we care about you...here at PC you are somone and you matter to us... I myself understand the selfhatred issue... I deal with it all the time... I suffer from BPD and PTSD and I SI too... I abandoned myself years ago too and I have been working hard the last years in Therapy to change things.....Important things are happening with me right now too and it does HURT and it is VERY PAINFUL and my T told me today that is NORMAL..... So come here and post about your feelings and get support and encouragement to keep going and working hard....this place is great you will LOVE it here... WELCOME again
__________________
"My Therapist always says there is HOPE, so he continues to be my light of HOPE even on my darkest of days" |
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#7
May 09, 2005, 05:13 PM
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((((((((sorrel))))))))
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#8
May 09, 2005, 06:30 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((sorrel))))))))))))))))))
__________________
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#9
May 09, 2005, 07:38 PM
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Sorrel,
I am sorry you are feeling so low. (((sorrel))) Keep posting. We are here for you. |
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#10
May 09, 2005, 10:29 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((SORREL))))))))))))))))
You are not alone. It is ok to want to be held and to be loved. It is OK. When your feeling down, we will do our best to pick you up. Hope your feeling better soon. Take care. |
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#11
May 10, 2005, 02:16 AM
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thank you......
Hope, that you reminded me these feelinge are NORMAL is very very helpful....I mean, I OUGHT to know, but it all gets distorted by the twisted self hatred...that bindweed I'm trying to pull out... I went through a period of (mild, if you can call it that) SI, but now I am finding the subtle? deep ache and pain beneath.... I deeply feel your words too, Jenifer....I need to know that its OK, and I won't be punished (by my internalised father, really) sj, wants2 and cat eye.....your thoughts and hugs are appreciated too... I have work today, which, so long as its busy and there are no difficult customers and I can keep fairly awake, should be ok, and I finish early today, at 5. sorrel |
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#12
May 10, 2005, 01:11 PM
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i'm here for you also, sorrel.......we're behind you 100%....pat
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#13
May 10, 2005, 01:27 PM
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thank you....I had a pretty good day at work today...just the train was crowded
 on the way home and I felt frightened and angry, I feel I always have to fight for my physical and emotional space in the world but am going to have dinner and curl up with a good book (by Jacqueline Wilson!!!! ) and then journal...I'm feeling a bit better today....Zopiclone before bed really helps. I had 4 hours straight sleep last night for a change....my GP tells me not to take them every night...but I wish there was an antidepressant and anti anxiety combined that actually helps one  cos a proper sleep makes all the difference..Knowing I have support here also helps... thank you sorrel |
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#14
May 10, 2005, 04:42 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((sorrel)))))))))))))))))))
Take care, Fuzzy  
__________________
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#15
May 10, 2005, 08:19 PM
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Hope tomorrow is a better day for you...
__________________
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#16
May 11, 2005, 06:33 AM
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thanks fuzzy and sky....I have therapy today....
sorrel |
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#17
May 11, 2005, 02:42 PM
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thank you, Fury....Therapy today was very 'holding', I was able to curl up on the couch and be safe while my therapist spoke soothing and gentle interpretations...finding the root of my depression, really....starting with my premature birth, and my still not feeling ready even now for the world, still needing and longing......
Yes, SIGHT is important....I am always LOOKING for caring, acceptance.... with therapy this morning, I started to feel my specialness, my right to space, safety....and that is important, starting to sow the seed of self acceptance---that I might be worthy enough for other adults' friendship... I do try not to force things---that used to be areal habit.. and try to 'let it be'.....I always feel that, right from the beginning, I had to try and control others/things to get anything of what I wanted/needed... thanks again... sorrel |
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