[googley]

I had my first appointment with a new Pdoc today. Of course I had to go over all of the regular things-meds/history/current symptoms. As with all of these types of appointments I was asked about suicide. As I have been hospitalized in the past for feeling suicidal it always gets probed more. I was straightforward with him and said that I tend to have fleeting thoughts of suicide but nothing that I would plan/act on. Usually I can just tell them to go away, and they do. I have gotten to the point where I usually just ignore them. Its like they float in and float out.

He asked me if I think that I have these feelings as a way to feel like I'm in control. I had to say that I had not really thought about it this way. Growing up I was not really in control. Things would happen out of the blue. I can see at times it could be in reaction to abuse and wanting to be able to control my life. But usually when it gets bad I feel like it is in raction to pain that I want to escape and feeling that it will never get better, and despiration.

I've been thinking about his theory that it is about control. In some ways I feel that it is an interesting thought and something that I will have to explore more in T. But at the same time I'm wondering if he is just an old man who sees young women as being manipulative and that is why he threw that out. The more I think about it, the more I feel like he was judging me when he didn't even know me. I have always been truthful about how I feel with my Pdoc and T, where I am with SI and sucidal feelings. One of the times I was hospitalized I came to my T and said that I needed more support. I've never used it as a threat or way to manipulate people. If anything, I've been very good at making sure that my problems do not become burdens for others. I guess it just makes me mad that, that was his first response. Especially since he doesn't know me really at all. I feel like he judged me for this, without taking into consideration how hard I worked to get where I am and that I pretty much had to raise myself without any support. He seemed offended when I read over the release I signed for him to get information from my last Pdoc. What is wrong with that? I don't sign anything without reading it.

I guess this is a little about my frustrations with the Pdoc. But I don't have an option because I don't have the money to see anyone else. I don't know how I feel about him.

I too think often of it - often. When it can't make things okay. When there's just too much going on. When I bundle a lot small things together and becomce over whelmed....

I feel it would just take everything away....

But what the heck comes after this life - Wouldn't be a bummer if we had to start all over to change and do things better -

Oh man.........no way But I do think about very often

[Rohag]

Hi, Googley!

Regarding Suicide & Control: I am vaguely aware of a school of thought that suicide is one possible reaction to chronic pain, either physical or psychological. The idea runs something like this: the subject feels helpless in the face of their chronic pain and so may consider suicide to overcome their helplessness, to gain control over their fate.

This view of suicide made its way into the Tom Hanks film Cast Away. At one point Tom Hanks' character, marooned for years on an uninhabited island, plans to take his own life in order to regain "control" (I don't remember the lines, but he has an interesting discussion about the suicide idea with Wilson the volleyball).

It may be possible (?) your therapist asked if you "have these feelings as a way to feel like I'm in control" in order to gauge the depth of your pain, depression and suicide risk. I really don't know, but that may be an alternate way of interpreting the question put to you.

Wishing you well with your T and therapy in general!

[googley]

Rohag,
I don't know. I had told Pdoc how I tend to see it in a sense of degree. I did think about what you suggested, and it may just be my insecurity that I went to thinking the most negative thing. I'm not sure if I trust him. I kept going back and forth during the appointment. And now I don't know. I've been having some weird depression symptoms that I don't usually have and I wasn't comfortable bringing them up. They are new and so I don't know if they are just going to go away and not come back or if they are going to stick around. I got this sense from him that he didn't think I would be able to fulfill my career goals because of my illnesses. My old T thought I would be great and was very supportive. Since I am currently at school for it, and he just met me, I don't know how he could judge me. It seems like he didn't even wait to get to know me.

[Rohag]

Googley, you were there, I wasn't. You know yourself and have first-person impressions -- those are more valuable than speculations. In any event, the burden is on your pdoc to win your trust.

Wishing you the absolute very best!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( googley ))))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Googley, control is a big thing. People who have mental and emotional issues grew up with no sense of control and many still don't have it. One step in getting better is to gain a healthy sense of control in life and healthy is the key word here. I think that helping professionals see this issue all the time and I think that old school is to try to control the clients. This NEVER works! Power struggles will ensue. Helping someone to get better includes empowering them so that they can get better. It never should include power over them. Getting this issue settled in your own mind is very important and you are more than capable of doing that. It is a personal journey that we all need to take.........

[googley]

I have to go to lab meeting now, so don't have time for in depth replies. But I am going to come back later and reply.

Rohag- I definitely think you might be right. Right now my trust issues are just really salient (being that I don't really feel I can trust people and I know that is affecting my impressions.) Please don't feel like I don't appreciate your input.

Furry Paws- thanks for the huggs.

Sannah- I will think about your reply and respond!

Hugs to all!!!

[googley]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Googley, you were there, I wasn't. You know yourself and have first-person impressions -- those are more valuable than speculations. In any event, the burden is on your pdoc to win your trust.

Wishing you the absolute very best!

I was thinking about it. And sometimes I don't know if I should trust my first person impressions. Sometimes I'm sure, but this time I'm not. And in a way he is right, when I was applying for school it was a thought that if I didn't get in then I could just kill myself. But when I actually didn't get in I didn't feel like I was actually going to do it. It didn't seem like a realistic solution so I applied again the next year. So in this way it seems like control. But when I get really really depressed and ended up in the hospital it definitely didn't feel like a control thing. It was more out of desperation and that I hurt so bad I didn't want to go on. I felt like everyone would be better without me. I asked for help and got it, but it did not feel like control. Instead I felt very out of control. I think I had the feeling that he was just assuming that if it was a control issue that I could just make it go away and not come back. Does he think this makes my life easier? That I wouldn't make them go away and not come back if I could? So I guess I see it on two different continuum and felt that he just wanted to put it all together. I have the feelings that I recognize as being able to push me towards the edge, and then these others that just go about their merry way and are annoying.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Googley, control is a big thing. People who have mental and emotional issues grew up with no sense of control and many still don't have it. One step in getting better is to gain a healthy sense of control in life and healthy is the key word here. I think that helping professionals see this issue all the time and I think that old school is to try to control the clients. This NEVER works! Power struggles will ensue. Helping someone to get better includes empowering them so that they can get better. It never should include power over them. Getting this issue settled in your own mind is very important and you are more than capable of doing that. It is a personal journey that we all need to take.........

He was an older gentleman. I think that I feel stuck because he is the only person I can afford to see. I feel like I only have limited control over my life. I need more education even after what I am getting now and the only way to get into phd programs is to get accepted (which to some extent is totally up to other people). I have been able to do some things, but others just feel out of reach. I don't know. I just feel like some times it will never work out. Like I try so hard and no one cares about that. All they see is any little failure and use it to say I'm not good enough. They don't seem to care how much effort I put in. Ok, that became a little bit of a rant.

[noobinberg]

I only tell my pdoc what he needs to know to write a script. I save all the other stuff for T...(been saving for awhile now as I haven't been to T in over 5 years.) Just use the pdoc for what he's there for. He really doesn't care about your feelings. In fact I've only had one pdoc care about my feelings...I really miss her. Too bad she only works in the facility that I was in. Anyway, I digress...I've learned that pdocs just mainly want to write scripts. Sure they ask you questions about specifics on moods and feelings but not to give you therapy. Sometimes they try and I just say..."do you really need to know that to write a script?" I feel the Pdoc should concentrate more on moods and the changing thereof rather than trying to understand what causes people to feel the way they feel.

I kinda feel lost here in what I'm saying....almost don't want to post it. It's looking like I know more that I really do....sorry you have issues with your pdoc...Hope it gets better.