[astronoe]

I came to the realization the other day that I have never liked myself.

When I was in college, I had probably the worst depressive episode I have ever had after a sexual assault. I never went to talk to anybody and I went on for almost a year feeling worthless and shouldering the blame for it. I dated a guy who was so incapable of showing affection that it was a personal victory whenever he would share it, not to mention the huge ego and the dead-end job. My grades dropped and I used to halfway joke about wanting to play in traffic on bad days, but deep down, I knew that I was approaching the point of being serious about choosing death over hating myself daily. Eventually, I pulled myself out of it. I enrolled in grad school, got married, have a full-time job. Doing okay.

But I've never been able to take a compliment, I always feel like jumping off of a bridge whenever something goes wrong because I know that it is my fault and there is no way around it. I've gone for long stretches of quasi-acceptance and being able to admit that I am good at something or even letting myself like something about my life.

But recently, I had to end a pregnancy for medical reasons. And at first, I was relieved. I'm in my mid-20s, just really beginning my career and my marriage. I wasn't ready, and apparently neither were the cosmos, because I would have died had I carried it to term.

No harm, no foul. It wasn't meant to be and I wasn't ready.

But now, I feel like a terrible person. I see my friends' children with regret and sorrow and I realize that what was in my womb could have grown to a person who shares half of my genes. His name could have been Charlie. I could have been a mother.

I feel like the worst person alive.

And then yesterday, a fender bender. I rear-ended an SUV who stopped suddenly because of a tanker truck and I couldn't see it as I came over the hill. There was no damage to the SUV and my stupid little car was damaged, but fine. But the costs of the repairs and my husband's frustration just ladled onto this self-loathing I've been feeling for a long time.

I do not like myself. I am bashfully thankful when someone tells me I am a good friend or that I am stellar at my job, but I do not believe them. I do not honestly believe I am worth something most of the time.

Whenever faced with tough times, I always go through stretches of hating and blaming myself: praying for some medical emergency that would put in a coma or severe head trauma, wishing with every molecular strand of being that I could be someone else, even vaguely considering suicide.

I somehow manage friendships and a marriage; I can laugh and forget for a little while at the karaoke bar. But even in those times when I seem normal, I am constantly seeking validation, particularly from male authority figures. I get weird pangs of jealousy over the most trivial of things and in relationships that do not merit the envy.

I finally scheduled an appointment for a week from Tuesday, but it seems like so long from now. I watched a baseball game and had a beer and was able to enjoy it, but now I am dreading going to sleep because I know I'll be trying to convince myself that I'm worth something until I fall asleep.

How do I cope with this? I've never tried to treat this. Where do I even begin?

[optimize990h]

Hello astronoe!

It's good that you made an appointment, I assume, with a psychotherapist.

It is possible that you have some issues to work on, but I'm not a psychotherapist.

One way to cope is distractions like the games forum here or some kind of entertainment-sports, movies.

Another way is to exercise and or meditate.

You can come here to PsychCentral to post feelings. You could go to the chat rooms here.
You could private message PC members as well to share if you need to.

You have to focus at what's at hand-whether is work, driving the car, etc.

I feel you need more self confidence but I will stop there as I do not want interfere with what the psychotherapist thinks is needed after the appointment.

I hope I have left you with some useful suggestions. Other members will be around, maybe they will have additional suggestions.

[ajmich]

astronoe, I feel for you, have been in the same situation, loathing myself... kudos for making that appointment, it's a huge step and I hope you keep it... and that you like your therapist/doctor/whatever. That said, in the meantime, it would help if you can do as optimize wrote, plus realize that you are too much inside your own head! By that I mean over-thinking, over-analyzing stuff. It is a natural by-product of having feelings you don't understand and that are causing you such distress. So as hard as it might seem, it's time to "act as if" you are worthwhile... go through the motions, whatever it takes to get you through this until you have your appt. In other words, fake it 'til you make it. Depression has been my Noonday/Evening/Nighttime Demon for my whole life, so I've learned something about the need for patience and to help get out of my own head... focus more on ANY kind of exercise, drink up nature as much as you can allow yourself, even if it feels "flat" or wrong or boring. Take yourself by the hand as you would take the hand of a scared small child, offer yourself comforts then give them to yourself in whatever form you're able -- a good rest, a tasty meal, a favorite book or show... soon you will be feeling a notch better, even if the darkness fights to keep you down on yourself! I know it may sound hokey and I probably would have rejected these things as not applicable to ME or just not useful... but have learned that as much as I know how to beat myself down, I also have a toe-hold on propping myself up. Peace... Alex.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by astronoe

I came to the realization the other day that I have never liked myself.

That is a good start. Now you can work on eventually liking yourself.

Originally Posted by astronoe

When I was in college, I had probably the worst depressive episode I have ever had after a sexual assault. I never went to talk to anybody and I went on for almost a year feeling worthless and shouldering the blame for it.

OK, so back then, you did not reach out for help even though you should have done so. Now, you have made an appointment for therapy. So you are doing better now than you did then. You have made progress. You can like yourself for having made progress!

Originally Posted by astronoe

But I've never been able to take a compliment

I do not have a personal experience with that, but I have seen this mentioned on this board. Hopefully, somebody with a personal experience will share insight and tips.

Originally Posted by astronoe

I always feel like jumping off of a bridge whenever something goes wrong because I know that it is my fault and there is no way around it.

You are making a misstatement here. You BELIEVE that you it is your fault, rather than KNOW it.

Originally Posted by astronoe

I see my friends' children with regret and sorrow and I realize that what was in my womb could have grown to a person who shares half of my genes. His name could have been Charlie. I could have been a mother.

That is not true. You could have died. How would you have been a mother while dead???

Originally Posted by astronoe

I somehow manage friendships and a marriage

that seems like a big accomplishment

Originally Posted by astronoe

now I am dreading going to sleep because I know I'll be trying to convince myself that I'm worth something until I fall asleep.

You cannot tune out those thoughts at all?

Originally Posted by astronoe

How do I cope with this? I've never tried to treat this. Where do I even begin?

You already began with the acknowledgment of the problems. You even listed them in a pretty good order, concisely and clearly. So I think you are on the right track. I would take the list (OP) to show during your first appointment.

Hello and welcome... it's nice to meet you
I'm not about to try to give you any advice or my version of wisdom but I hope you feel comfortable and benefit from the support here.
I can recommend a question to ask yourself... you don't think you are a likeable or valuable person. What is your concept of a likeable and valuable person?

[astronoe]

Thank you, everyone, for the kind support. My college has a free counseling service, so I decided to start there. They are actual doctors, so I thought at the very least, one of them could actually point me in the same direction.

ajmich and hamster, you are right. I got so low a few years ago, that I didn't think I was worth helping. I can feel life tugging me down again sometimes, and I think by making that appointment, I've admitted to myself that I am worth helping and that it's not a hopeless cause to feel better. I've been surrounding myself with friends and letting my husband in a little more over the last several days. He even opened up to me about his own struggles with what might be depression. Sometimes, I wonder if I have atypical depression (never diagnosed) because I get hypersomnia on weekends if I don't set an alarm and I react well to positive situations. But I have what I think might be a rejection complex; I get envious over the silliest things, like a professor that I have a decent working relationship with talking to another student about something or a friend inviting someone else besides me. I always wonder what it is about myself that made them avoid me, although consciously, I know it's ridiculous, and I think I've done OK at hiding it. But I want to stop feeling this way, or at least dull it to where it doesn't cause me such anxiety.

All of this, paired with issues with my father as a child and some with my mother, I guess created this self-loathing persona that I cannot shake. Believing that I could feel better about myself does seem hopeful.

George, my concept of a valuable and likable person is a bit nebulous. Kindness and compassion, work ethic, and intelligence are all valuable to me. All things that I strive for but never let myself completely believe that I have achieved.

Thanks again for all the thoughts. I am feeling much better today.

[ajmich]

astronoe, glad you're feeling better and that you recognize the significance of having made the appointment -- you know you're worth helping. You touched on something I see in myself but haven't examined: some form of rejection complex, mild by comparison, but still enough that I don't want to feel that anymore... it goes way back as far as I can remember. You indeed have the traits of a valuable/likable person yourself, that's apparent from your posts! So begin to let yourself off the hook, however gradually that may need to be done... you're worthy and good and smart and I for one am glad you're here. Best of luck with the therapy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by astronoe

valuable and likable person is a bit nebulous. Kindness and compassion, work ethic, and intelligence are all valuable to me. All things that I strive for but never let myself completely believe that I have achieved.

In terms of intelligence, you obviously are very intelligent based on how you organized your OP even at a fairly low point in your life.

Depression dulls cognitive abilities - it is one of the things that it does. So if your thoughts are put together so well NOW, imagine how good things will look once you shake the depression.

[Crashed Again]

astronoe, You are braver that I was, You went seeking help, it was forced on me 4years ago and I am glad it was. You have taken the first step. Now you need to learn exercises in self love, and therapy and a pdoc will help if you let them. One thing you can do on your own while waiting for appointment is every time you walk by your bathroom mirror or any mirror, look your self in the eyes and say, I LOVE MYSELF, AND I AM A GOOD PERSON WHO DESERVERS TO BE HAPPY. At first you will just be going through the motions and not really beleave it. The more you say it to your self your brain will start to beleave it. This really help me, it took about a month before I realized I was starting to beleave it. 4 years latter I still have crappy days where I don't want to get out bed, but I also have good days that I would not trade for anything. And yes every morning I still look myself in the eyes and tell myself
" I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. I can't remember when I dropped the I love myself. Everyone that I know who has done this and still does, it has help. Some more than others but it has always helped some. I now say it with a big smile on my face when I look in the mirror and say thank you Lord. If I am standing there that means I got out of bed. Try to be kind to yourself, and God Bless Garry J