[Peanut61]

Will be thinking of you... Let us know how it goes, OK? Your friend, as ever, Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[heidu]

Good luck Mary Alice!!
I believe in you.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,
Add hugs from me along with the others. I hope it goes well for you.
Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

Good luck, Mary Alice!!!

Take care,
Fuzzy
xxx

[ErinBear]

I'm sending good wishes too, Mary Alice....

Take care,
ErinBear

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

Thinking of you like always


Heather

::::::::::::crying::::::::::::::::: all of you are so great for wishing me well and remembering. Did it go well??? I don't know if I could really tell you all.........I do know that I have appts. every Wed. till the end of the month, but on the way home I cancelled next week's appt.

I felt really pushed today by him - not a bad pushing, but I know he is counting the days and trying to make me see what is causing these depressing ideas and wanting to help. The knowledge that I am not afraid to die, that I am very calm about it, I think makes him nervous.

I'm doing the same stupid things again......pushing myself because someone "needs" something. My boss has scheduled me for 15 hours next week, and the 3 1/2 I worked last night has me in agony today. But did I say so - did I say "not so many hours"........heck no, Mary Alice said "I know you're short staffed and want me trained. Schedule me for what you need"..............so much for taking care of me [sigh]. The painkillers have stopped helping - I think I am getting too used to them, so I have stopped taking them. The pain is the same, just as bad.

Now that I cancelled my appt. I am even more depressed. The inner me is just screaming in pain at the thought of it........and the outer me is trying so hard to stay calm. All in all, I feel like a blanket of darkness has descended on me - the depression is so bad lately. Earlier I went 4 days without showering and getting dressed......that is very unlike me. Today I missed my son so much I went to his school and watched him thru the classroom door for over 30 mins. and when he saw me, he waved and threw kisses at me.......it was so empty here at home without him.

I left my T a voice message saying that I had cancelled my appt. I think I have sunk into my black hole again - and I really don't want to come out.

Mary Alice

Thank you all for caring, remembering, and posting.

[Peanut61]

Aaawwh, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}, doggone it, I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly, oh gosh... I wish you could get your appt. back, huh? Your T is an important touchstone for you. You're still going to your pdoc on the 8th aren't you, my friend? As you mentioned, the prozac is just not working, but there are other antidepressants, like Celexa which I take, that could help lift you out of the abyss at least so you would have a fighting chance, right? I don't believe talk therapy can do the job by itself when depression is this bad, but the right antidepressant could definately help the therapy be more useful for you. Rats, I wish things wouldn't be so difficult for you. I've become so very fond of you, Mary Alice, we all have, and you are so caring and compassionate toward all of us. Keep fighting that's what I say ***Peanut puts on her best brave face*** = You're just to important not to be in this world!!! Luv to you, your friend, Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Jill, you are the best!! I mean that, so sincerely. [sigh] Yes I still have my appt on the 8th, almost cancelled that today too, but stopped myself. You are right, I have to try a different antidepressant, not the ones in the SRI category, either. I've tried most of them. I honestly believe if this depression doesn't get better, I won't go back to my T at all. I have two weeks now to "put up the walls and not feel it"........ He is very important to me, and because he was getting to me, I backed away. Like him, I am counting also and I felt threatened today.

I so wish I could see myself like you do. My T told me today that the standards I have for myself are unattainable - that being average or "doing my job" is the way most people are. To me, that is completely unacceptable......it means I'm not trying hard enough to be above average or that there is something wrong with me.

I got my review at work today...overall I "exceeded the standards". Know what I focused on?? The areas where I "met the standards". I looked at those as failures, and like my T said, I am doing my job........that is what I should be doing. But see, Mary Alice must always do more than just her job.....she has to be the best or she fails. He is realizing that I can't accept the idea of not being the highest achiever, of not meeting my standards.

I'm rambling........sorry. I'm just completely tired, Jill - bone weary actually. Thanks again.

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am hoping you woke up this morning feeling a bit better? You are in our thoughts and we care for you so much. Gosh it is so hard to feel this helpless - I wish there was something we could do for you . Wouldn't it be great for us to all meet each other in person and have that group hug that would feel soooo good right now?


Heather

[Peanut61]

Rest up, my friend, = hopefully we will see you on later today! XOXO!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

Thanks for being honest with us about how it went. I'm not sure it went as badly as you think it did. You know that your T cares about you and I wish you would call and get your appointment back, but you know he's going to be thinking about you and worrying about you even though you aren't there. He cares, and he can't just stop caring no matter what you do or how hard you try to wall yourself off. You could even try to make him mad at you, but it won't work because he would see right through it, and you know it too.

Another thing that went well is that you recognize that you are a perfectionist. I think that being a perfectionist is one of the causes of depression. I do it too. I was doing really good starting back to school and everything, and I decided that I'm going to have straight A's. Yup, I want to do it all perfectly. And on top of being a full-time student I can keep on being a homeschooling mom and running my farm/home business too. Well, I got my first grade back on the first assignment I turned in, and it was only 16 points out of 17. That's 94% which is an A-. Not good enough. And here comes Ian back from Australia and I wrote to him and was trying so hard to help him and he makes that statement that nobody really cares. So I failed at helping him too. Not only that, but I'm not finding any time to work on my business at all. My perfectionism is to the point with that that I can't even start to try. There I go again, and I'm hanging on but not doing so good anymore. Anyway, perfectionism doesn't only affect you.

Being able to admit that you have a higher standard for yourself than for other people is something. You know that you actually are exceeding expectations (and other workers are not even meeting expectations) and you are excelling in spite of being in physical and mental anguish. I wish that I had your will-power! At this point maybe you aren't ready to ease up on yourself, but you do know that you are a high achiever, and that is a start.

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Here's a hug for you. Go ahead and ramble all you want, any time you want. We're here for you. And you're going to come out of this and be okay. People depend on you and you aren't going to let them down by not being around. I hope you can learn to tell them that you have limits and be easier on yourself though.
Thanks for the update!

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}} yes, it would be wonderful to have a hug today........but I guess I'll wait till my son comes home, he's the only one who hugs me. With my husband, hugs=sex, course everything=sex.

xooxox
Mary Alice

:::::::::wavin at Peanut::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hi Wendy ****hugs*****

I admit that I was disappointed today - no phone call, no email from my T, nothing. Obviously I was correct - I am a client, an appt slot to him. I wasn't testing him, but I am surprised that he didn't want some explanation for me not going next week. The fact that I have finally proved to the inner me that I was right does NOT make me happy - simply makes the darkness darker.

I have been taught at an early age that nothing less than the best is acceptable and my internal standards have always been more rigid. We have the same problem, huh? lol.

I have always poured myself into my work - it helps me forget what I have to deal with at home and such.....probably why I put in over 60 hours a week when I'm in charge.

Course I'd update........regardless of how I feel - I know that you all care and want to know. You're my "family" that understands.

xoxoxoxox Mary Alice

[heidu]

MAry Alice,
When I read this I can't help but think....did you cancel that appt because you don't want to go or was it to test your T? Maybe he is thinking that he isn't gonna force you to come. If you want his help then you need to do your part which includes making and keeping your appt. I am sure it's not because he doesn't care but maybe he doesn't have the time to phone you and everyone else whenever they cancel. I really think he is giving you your space and allowing you to make your decision.
I am really glad you went to that appt. and I hope you will make the choice to call and reschedule that appt. You know he cares whether you want to believe him right now or not.
Hugs,
Heidu

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

I was hoping that he would call you too, but that he hasn't doesn't mean that you don't mean anything to him. He could be respecting your right to make choices for yourself. It wouldn't be very professional for him to call everyone who cancelled an appointment and demand an explanation, would it? He has to allow you to choose what you will do.

I could tell you about being disappointed in therapists for not calling too. I've told you how much I really like my T. It's kind-of not the usual relationship, since he knows my family and works in my husband's office. One effect of that is that I'm easy for him to ask a favor of such as in case of scheduling problems or he just has something else to do that day, and I am frequently asked if it would be okay to cancel or reschedule. If I said no, he would be there, but I've never said no. And he doesn't call me to ask - the secretary does. Once I was hurt because there were three times in a row that he cancelled on me (and he's only in town every other week), and after him cancelling three times in a row I just didn't bother making another appointment. I thought he should at least call and ask why or if I thought that I was finished or something, but he never did. It was a year and a half before I went back again and that was after an incident that made it really obvious that I needed to. And he does care - that has been proven. I guess it was just entirely my idea that he ought to call, and he must have figured that I knew I could make another appointment any time. So not calling does't mean not caring. It just means that he trusts you to make decisions for yourself.

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

Haven't seen you on today, yet, {{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}} = I know tomorrow you go to see your pdoc - keeping you in our thoughts!!!!!! XOXO!! Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center><font color=red>{{{{{</font color=red><font color=orange>{{{{</font color=orange><font color=yellow>{{{{</font color=yellow><font color=purple>{{{{Mary Alice}}}}</font color=purple><font color=yellow>}}}}</font color=yellow><font color=orange>}}}}</font color=orange><font color=red>}}}}</font color=red></center>

Just offering you a hug of hope and faith.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Peanut, such a memory you have........ty. Yes I go see my pdoc and then have a job interview for a management position. They called me Sat. night and wanted to see me on Monday.

A few things have happened in the last few days, naturally not good........lol. I will probably post about it tomorrow.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sept}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you are the best. Ty for caring - right now I really need those hugs.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

GOOD LUCK, today, {{{{{{{{{{{{{MARY ALICE}}}}}}}}}}}}}!! Wuv, your friend, Peanut


<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>