[BeautifullyMistaken]

Well, it seems I'm finally being forgotten. My best friend and I have been NC 3 weeks on Monday (until today). I learned that she's going to throw out everything I made for her over the 8 years we've been friends. I simply wanted to contact her to ask if she's getting rid of it anyways, If I could have it....As over 8 years I've made a lot of things for her (scrapbooks, cards, hand written notes etc). A lot of what I made is out of pictures, as I'm a photographer. I really feel as if this is the ultimate betrayal cause I would never THINK about discarding anything/everything.

I see it as we had a falling out and aren't friends any longer. I can accept that. I had an inkling that when she didn't call me and tell me Happy Thanksgiving that we were done. Or at least a "thank you" email for the picture collage I gave her for Thanksgiving when I returned all of her belongings to her as she asked. Then I thought to myself "maybe Christmas". Maybe after those two months of NC she'll at least call me and tell me Merry Christmas. I wouldn't ask her to come back...as I want her to be happy even if that means not being friends. But I feel I at least deserved a Happy Holidays or something. Seeing as she's tossing everything I've ever given her, I guess its a safe bet to say I won't get that call on Christmas. I guess the 8 years I tried to be the best wasn't enough.

I know I wasn't always pleasant to be around and we've had our good deal of arguements.. But it really hurts that someone would actually consider throwing away all the memories of 8 years. Packing it up and putting it away is one thing, but throwing it in the trash is completely different. (Agreed?)

I'm not really sure how I feel right now except betrayed and defeated. I'm not sure what I should do or how I should handle the situation. When I called, she quickly hung up. I don't want to call her again cause I don't want to make her upset (although I probably already did by calling in the first place). I don't really have anyone to talk to, cause I never bring her up into conversations cause I find it disrespectful and then I'll just be even more depressed.

I'm struggling right now to not SI again because I know in the end it won't be worth it. I wasn't planning on removing anything off my walls, but I guess since it came down to this I should probably take the pictures of her down in my house and pack em up in boxes. Sad part is I think I'll have to literally take down every single picture frame because she's in 99% of the pictures. Good thing I have the next 3 weeks off of school cause it's gonna be a long process packing it all along with the sadness and despair having to look at them in the process.

Just a quote to end with that seems suitable right now......

"The worst part of saying goodbye, is having to do it again everyday;
everyday we face the truth, they're gone."

Any thoughts? Suggestions? Words of encouragement? I appreciate anyone reading this.

[shezbut]

((((BeautifullyMistaken))))

We all have different ways of dealing with the end. Some close the door and never look back; some hold on tightly to all memories; some struggle with figuring out how to deal with the memories.

I can understand that you're feeling hurt. It is hard to let go of someone we care about, especially when the one we care for is pushing away. Best wishes to you!

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Yeah, That's true. I've never had an ending like this (for a lack of better words). I guess being a photographer impacts me differently. I would just never think to get rid of any photos. It's not that I don't care about her, but I don't mind not speaking anymore. I've been content with no communication. I've been relatively happy since she's left and haven't cried yet. I guess I'll just have to drown my sorrows () this weekend while removing the frames and continue on my journey. Thank you!!

[SophiaG]

I"m sorry your best friend is leaving you behind

*hug* Yeah...I save things that people give to me. Not sure if I'd throw stuff out if I stopped talking to someone...

I dont know, you just seem like you've been really considerate to her and she's rejected you anyway.

*hug* when one door closes....eventually....another opens.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Thanks Sophia! I think I was fairly considerate. I didn't call her, didn't text her, didn't try to contact her...Just how she asked. I'll take the rejection with a grain of salt, choke back my feelings and continue with life. I'm usually a very forgiving person and always wait for someone to call once they've cooled down a bit. But I am beyond the breaking point now. She always said she'd NEVER throw the things I gave/made her away even if we did stop talking. I was fine not speaking..but now parts of me feel 'pulled back' emotionally because of it, however I just won't and can't be forgiving this time.

[tonih]

In my almost 50 years I have noticed that friendships seem to take on a life of their own. It simply may be too painful for her to keep reminders of you in her house and be saying she is throwing them out....well, passive aggressive female thing to do. I suspect that she will regret getting rid of those items one day. I don't know why your friendship ended, but hang in there. I seen relationships where it seemed never again and after time......the frienship resumes. I tell my daughter that if it is meant to be, it will happen. In the meantime ,move on. sorry this is happening to you, but try not to si. You are worth better than that and will only extend the pain of the loss. You sound very pulled together over all this, be sure to give yourself credit. blessings!

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Toni--I completely understand that (re: not being able to keep things). I guess that could very well be the case. She lives with her parents (who hate me) so she didn't have anything actually hung up. As far as I can remember it was just strewn about her bedroom. I agree though that eventually it will be regretting (which is why I don't throw anything away). Pictures are precious....Irreplaceable.

I guess it ended for many reasons, which of course I am to blame for...I can admit that. Even if we did talk again, I know it wouldn't be the same. (We spent literally every single day together from 5pm-10pm and Friday-Sunday together for 8 years). But I concur, I must pull myself together and move past this and accept the reality.

I'm fairly pulled together, but don't know if I can give myself credit. Thank you, Everyone. I truly appreciate it.

[Mini moo]

********Beautifully Mistaken*********

[Mini moo]

Sorry, my little sister was pushing buttons on my laptop.

as I was saying...

***************Beautifully Mistaken*******

I am very proud of you! You have so much courage. When people stop talking to me I just blockout and thing about memories and then get depressed. I wouldnt have called/ textd or anything.

You are a fighter and you will get through this. I am here if you need to talk.

[AuburnSunshine]

When my husband and I were divorcing after 30 years of marriage, two kids and a myriad of memories, I asked him when he wanted to go through our photos to choose which ones he wanted. His reply was that he wanted none of them...none of us together, none of the kids growing up, none of the family get-togethers, none of our friends.

We had been best friends for so many years that I was devastated and felt as if I'd been slapped in the face. When the kids found out that not only had he not wanted any photos of them but also had not wanted any of the "presents" and little things they had made and/or given him through the years, they were crushed and hurt as well.

I don't understand why someone does something so hateful. No matter how hurt I was...or how hurt you are...we keep photos of those we care about because of the memories and good times associated with those people. If I were you I wouldn't remove your photos simply because she has removed yours. Your fond memories will always be with you and the photos you keep will be precious to you. However, once they're gone, they're gone. Her loss, not yours.

So sorry the situation has occurred and hurts as much as it does. I hate the way life bites us in the *** at times but it also envelops us in love and happiness.

Thinking of you and hoping you've begun to smile....

Melanie

Hello, BeautifullyMistaken. May you find peace, acceptance and the resolve to move on. Good luck.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Mini Moo - I used to block things out and get depressed. I still do...But I'll live with it. Thanks, I try to fight in a good way.

AuburnSunshine - That's though...Knowing your ex-husband didn't want any photos..Especially of the kids and the things they made for him. I agree..Not sure why someone would do that and I'd never be able to rid myself of at least the happy times. Life can be tough but I could only assume things can get better. I guess if she considers all of that trash, that's on her. I refuse to beg for her to stay anymore..and refuse to beg for her not to throw the stuff away. I always called crying saying I was sorry (for whatever I did, or she thought I did)...But I'm never gonna do that..with anyone anymore. I'm not going to let someone else decide my happiness...I'm going to decide my happiness even if that means alone.

[lonegael]

((((((BEautifully mistaken))))))) You must have been very important to her for her to need to do something so absolute to make the break. Strong emotions are like that. Strong attachment swings more easily over to strong dislike than it does to not caring. In that way, she may still feel (and rightly) that she still feels connected to you and needs to really do something extreme to break that connection. Chances are it won't work for her; only time can do that.
You have behaved VERY honorably, Beautifull. Take comfort in that. Try not to take her manner of handling the end of your friendship personally. As someone who often gives art myself, I know it is a way of giving yourself, and destroying that feels like a direct attack. Don't let that feeling take over. It's her issue now. You done good. (Hug) Time to move on and let her work it out. Huuuuuuuggggggssss, hope that helps you feel a little better.

[Naturefreak]

(((BeautifullyMistaken)))

[BeautifullyMistaken]

To answer why it ended, I'm sure there is a multitude of reasons. But the main reason is because I started talking to this guy. She was very upset about it, which led to constant fighting. She was extremely jealous about him & I talking. She told him (as well as some other friends, my family, her family etc) how I am bipolar. Which is untrue, but I think she said it to drive him away and put all the blame on me for our problems. As I watch her do that, it's hard to close my eyes and not say a single word. Unlike her, I take responsibility for my flaws and things I've done wrong. I know it was wrong of me to hide from her that I was going out at night after she would leave. I did it as to not hurt her feelings and avoid confrontation.

"I've overcome a lot of things but the biggest is myself; people blame others - they blame the world, the problems and changes start with ourselves."

We share a mutual friend (whom we both talk to), and its hard to hear some of the things she's said to her and other people. But somehow I manage to grit my teeth and fight the urge to say something. Beyond reasons known to me, I still find myself defending her, justifying her actions and taking the blame. Once in awhile she'll come up in a conversation, like if its something her and I did, or something she liked, I'll simply mention her and I used to do that all time or whatever the case may be. Other than that, I refrain of speaking about her (as I mentioned its disrespectful).

Other than that, times are tough as of right now. I've got a lot on my mind, so I'm putting my pen to the paper. I used to write poetry all the time to express how I'm feeling. I've been working on a piece for a few days now. I'll post it here I suppose once I'm finished.

One last quote:

Never forget yesterday,
But always live for today
Cause you never know what tomorrow can bring
Or what it can take away

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Posted this in Creative Corner, but thought I'd post it here too. I could have continued a lot more, but I'm completely drained at the moment. Kind of pointless to even write this...seeing as I'm not even sending it to her. LoL! Oh well. Thanks for reading!


I’m Walking Away


Some days are better than others
I try just to get through my day
While visions of you fill my mind
Everything reminds me of you in some way

I find myself walking alone
Cold and darkness is all that surrounds me
Answers to the questions remain unknown
Close my eyes and I’ll continue

I’m battered and broken
Lying on the floor
Envisioning your crimson anger
Like I never saw before

Burn all of the pictures
And everything that we would share
Close the door and walk away
I don’t even care

I know the pictures remind you of the past
All the fun that we shared
A painful reminder of the good times
Even if you don’t believe it, I cared

I never wanted to hurt you
The way you have done to me
I’m not going to be a pushover
I’m not the person I used to be

For months, I watched us drift apart
The tears would continuously fall
If everything ends this fast
Maybe we weren’t that close after all

I really thought I needed you
Thought I needed you to survive
I guess I didn’t
Cause for the first time, I feel alive

You think I want an explanation
Closure is what you call it, I don’t
You think I’ll call you on Christmas
Don’t worry, I won’t

Don’t send me a letter
Explaining “what and why”
My closure is very simple
Knowing this is good-bye

“I can’t handle you anymore”
Must have been your favorite thing to say
But you don’t have to worry
I’ll never call you again, I’m walking away

No more being blinded by an illusion
Of the person I thought you were
I’m leaving all of this confusion
To be better than I was before

I’m no longer feeling deceived
Cause I can see right through your lies
I’m beginning to feel relieved
Cause I know I’m finally free

You made it a habit to talk about ‘my problems’
Not only to your family, but mine too
Things I didn’t want anyone to know
Including things you know were untrue

You no longer have a hold over me
I’ve got both feet out the door
Closing it on what used to be
And I’m never turning back

I don’t regret ever meeting you
If nothing else, now I know
Exactly what it takes
To love and let it go

I’ll think of you from time to time
Just wondering how you are
The smiles and laughter
Will be a permanent emotional scar

I know I am to blame as well
I was far from being the best
I’m deeply sorry
For the times I made you mad and depressed

It might be hard to forget our friendship
As it appeared real and true
But it won’t be hard to forget the person
I never even knew

For all the rejected calls and emotional abuse
And all the times I begged you to stay
Now I finally realize it isn’t worth it
It’s my turn to walk away

I no longer have to wonder
I no longer have to care
I no longer have to wish
My ‘best friend’ was there

I’m giving you exactly what you wanted
You just lost your best friend
You finally get your wish
After 8 years, this is finally the end

[AuburnSunshine]

Beautifully said!! Allowing your emotions to surface through creative writing can be therapeutic...that's how I express the hurt that stabs my heart on a daily basis.

Please continue writing...it will help you so very much!

Know that you have friends here who care about you and love you.

~ Melanie

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Thank you AuburnSunshine! I usually try to write when I feel I'm in one of "those moods".

More Thoughts:

Yesterday and today have been extremely horrible to say the least. I was 20 minutes late for my last critique yesterday due to printing issues. Today was no better! I was 15 minutes late for my other classes final critique, trying to find the FedEx location that had my book that I needed for class! Luckily, my Mom was able to bring it to my classroom (and she stayed for an hour or so to watch my presentation..Which was really nice). After class, I had to go to my moms to wait for the heater people to come...So I just sat in her room until she got back. On her dresser was a large stack of papers about Bipolar and Schizophrenia and on the back was the handwritting of a former friend of a list of "diseases I have". Which consisted of Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Major Depression, Anxiety (panic attacks) and OCD.

I am completely and utterly distraught about it. Major depression and panic attacks and possibly OCD are problems I have, but I don't suffer from bipolar or Schizophrenia. I'm upset that she is telling my mom (and printing this crap out), trying to convince her that "this is whats wrong with me". I know the symptoms of both diseases as I have thoroughly researched them years ago. As for bipolar- I am not "extremely happy or very irritable", I don't have high self-esteem, I don't feel rested after 3 hours of sleep, I dont talk more than usual (I hardly talk at all), I'm not more active, I'm not 'easily distracted', I don't do 'reckless things' or drive recklessly. I am simply depressed...That's all!

It drives me crazy that she is convinced I have these problems while she tries to convince everyone else of it too. She attributes everything I say/don't say, do/don't do to this alleged illness(s) I have. I don't work because I'm lazy and I buy stuff because I'm careless. I could work because I only go to community college, its not that hard. This: according to her words. I'm a full-time student who is depressed, just trying to get through life. My Family is VERY dependent on me to do daily tasks and I simply do not have time to work and maintain a decent GPA. I'm averaging a 3.4 right now and can't afford to let that tank if I want to go to a 4 year art school! (Very long drawn out story that I'm not going to divulge right now).

Everything just seems so miserable right now when it shouldn't be. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It just really urks me about the things that have been said. I tried to explain before that I don't have all these problems, but of course; everyone believes whatever they want. Funny how they (family & friends) think I have all these problems, yet no one gives a *poop* to ask me how I'm actually feeling at any given time. Fabulous--Just fabulous! (Sorry for rambling!)