That familiar sinking feeling....

I feel really guilty about posting about my own situation but I've been feeling really alone lately. I know I'm not the only person on the planet that is dealing with depression. It just keeps going over in my mind about how self-absorbed and introverted and selfish I am. I feel the need to apologise constantly - even in my own mind, to everyone around me because I'm such a let down.

My mood has just been in a steady decline over the last few weeks. On Monday morning I woke and knew that I couldn't face the outside world. Something has changed in me. I haven't had a downward spiral like this since I have been on my meds but I guess starting therapy has definitely been a trigger for unwanted thoughts and stirring up memories and emotions that I had pushed down inside for years.

I feel so desperate at the moment. So alone with constant thoughts that I can't do this. I can't seem to cope with anything more that getting out of bed and getting dressed to take the dog out. I fear that I'll have to make conversation with neighbours and I can't wait to get back inside - the only place I feel safe just now. All I want to do is sit and think but my mind can't stay on just one thing. I forget what I'm doing or what I was thinking about. I feel a rage inside and a need to punish myself for something. I have no idea where this rage has come from. All I know is that I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel trapped inside my own head. I feel trapped inside a body that I feel I don't belong in and I want out.

I'm sorry for babbling on but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I went to my GP but they just ask "what do you feel we can do to help you?" How am I supposed to say "please save me from myself?". I feel really alone and I guess I'm a bit scared. I'm due to see my T tomorrow but I don't think I'll be able to make it because of the horrendous snow we have here. What would she be able to say that would make things better anyway...? I don't know. I started to ask myself if therapy is even worth it. Maybe my T will see what a hopeless case I am anyway and decide to finish the sessions. Maybe I should quit before it gets to messy? She seems so nice I feel awful about burdening her with all my trivial and petty problems. I need to think about this but my mind never seems to focus for long enough.

I want to speak to my pastor but I feel terrible about budening him. Why can't I just disappear...

Hello, Lilly. Thank you for your post. My thought is that a psychiatrist may need to adjust or change you medications. Also, please tell your therapist what you have told us, even the part about whether therapy is worthwhile.

Lonely and depressed is a not a good situation. Please talk to your pastor. I expect he/she will welcome the opportunity to talk to you.

Disappearing does not make your problems disappear.

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing. Good luck.

thank you for taking the time to post. I want to be open with my therapist but I worry that she'll agree with me and decide I'm not worth the hassle. Same goes for my pastor I guess. I'm just really down on myself and as much as I wish I could ask for help, I'm scared to.

I really appreciate your comments... thank you

((((((((((((((( Lilly76 ))))))))))))))))

Lily im so sorry to hear that,please take care of yourself,Big Hugs to You!

Take the risk, Lilly. Please take the risk.

Aren't pastors there to remind us that God thinks we're worth the hassle? I've been struggling all day with wanting to email my pastor but not knowing what to say, but I know that he will never turn me away. May we both find courage to be vulnerable toward the ones who can help.

I'm with Tumnus and Byzantine. Please take the chance and talk to your pastor. He is there to take care of your spiritual needs and support you in times like this, hon. Honestly. Huggs, and hang in there. You are NOT A WASTE OF TIME and you ARE A LOVELY USE OF SPACE. Much better than emptyness there, I must say. HUGGSS again.

Thank you so much for all of your posts. I did contact my Pastor and he has suggested that I meet up with him and his wife. I feel terribly guilty about burdening other people but I'm feeling so down I didn't know what else to do.

Tumnus, take the plunge and email your Pastor if you haven't already. As Lonegael said, Pastors are there to lead and take care of their flock so he/she will probably be glad you contacted them.

I am so bad about not wanting to ask for help! It has taken years for me to at least partially get over that. It still takes me a while to ask sometimes, but when I remind myself that it is the only way I am likely to get better, I finally ask. Take care.

Lilly76, I emailed him last night. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. We're going to try to get together soon.

I'm so glad you did Tumnus. I'm sure you'll find support there. If youa can, please post again to let us know how things go for you.

Hi Lilly after having read your post, I must honestly say that the way you were describing youre sagas, I almost felt every impact of your pain as i have been combatting many simmilar issues my self well over a decade. But trust me talking to your Therapist you will eventually consoul to the benefits and rewards no matter how lame or trivial you think your issues may be to you,but the whole aspect in talkin is to desensitize and lessen your grief (which can be so cruel to sensitive people like us) and I am addement your T will not look at you with a critical eye or judge you...You must remember that most therapist specialize inthese fields for a reason to give there outmost professional best in enhancing ones better living.open up to your T and be as sincere to yourself and no matter how trivial you think it is ,These issues are medical condition no diffrent to if we had a condition say for example diabetes that it needs to be addressed.Please Take care and take the plunge to open up and be as open and concise as you can with Therapists and as well as talkin to compassionate people.Cheers Bluzman