[BeautifullyMistaken]

I am completely lost, confused and alone. I e-mailed my mom a week ago, finally admitting to my depression and my SI and told her I'm taking anti-depressants. She acknowledged she got the email and said we'd talk about it. I've been going to her house more than usual cause I don't know what to do with myself. She still hasn't said anything to me about it. I don't want to push the issue right now, cause there's other family problems going on...So I don't want to add to the problems.

I've been taking Zoloft for 9 days. Today is day 10 and I'm supposed to double my dosage starting today. I'm absolutely dreading having to take more of the medication. The side effects are horrible. Words can't begin to describe how I feel. I truly feel like I'm falling apart. I feel empty, angry and depressed. I am at the lowest point I've ever been. I try to push on, telling myself it will get better. It isn't. Everyday I feel worse than the day before. SI makes me feel better temporarily... But I'm trying not to do that. I got my sisters hotel party coming up in less than 2 weeks and need the SI marks to heal & fade before that as everyone will expect me to swim with the kids.

Spring semester starts on Sunday. I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I'm supposed to graduate in May, but don't even know if I can push through this last semester with the way I feel. I have officially reached rock bottom and am close to giving up.

Any tips, advice, stories or a would be appreciated. Sorry for ranting..... Just don't know what to do with myself...

[Mike_J]

Medications take time to work properly. I have made the mistake of suddenly stopping taking anti depressives, not a good idea. Give your meds a chance to work, talk to your doctor if they don't seem to be helping. Don't make sudden changes with your drugs without talking to your Dr first. Just hope you don't make some of the mistakes I have made.

[lynn P.]

I agree keep taking the medications, but still keep your doctor updated, with how you're feeling, in case this isn't the right medicine for you. Regarding your Mom's lack of reaction - it could be she's caught off guard and isn't sure what to say or do at this moment. Sometimes family members non reaction is actually, them feeling scared because they're not sure of what to say or they think it might be their fault some how. Please keep taking good care of youself at least with eating healthy and other good self care strategies. I hope you feel a little better day by day.

[sanityseeker]

BeautifullyMistaken Hang in there. It will get better. Keep focused on taking good care of you with good diet, exercise and proper sleep routines. Basic but easily neglected or thrown off when you are off balance. I wonder if maybe your mom is waiting for you to bring the subject up again. Have you talked with your sister or any other close family member about what you are going through? Keep reaching out to find the help and support you need. You deserve it.

[sanityseeker]

lol.... looks like Lynn and I were posting at the same time with generally the same advise. Take good care. Wishing you both a great day.

[shezbut]

((((BeautifullyMistaken)))))

I know that you're going through a very rough time right now. UGH - no fun! It's only day 10 of the medication. Sometimes, it just seems to take forever to start feeling a little better!

If you're really miserable on this medication, call the doctor's office today and talk with a nurse about the dramatic effects. Otherwise, try to keep up on your med/s. Keep talking with the T about how you're feeling (physically & emotionally). Be honest. The more honest we are, the better able the T's are to help us overcome our misery. Please don't give in to the temptation of SI. As you know, the SI will only make you feel worse down the road. If the temptation is very strong, call your T for help now.

I've been on that road. It is miserable. But whatever teeny bit of pleasure/hope that you have, hold onto it with all of your might. Don't give in to the tempting thoughts and ideas that you find popping into your head. Don't kick yourself for thinking of them ~ but do push them away and focus on whatever pleasure you have until you get a better hold of your emotions. Once you get into a better state of mind, stay in the moment.

Gentle hugs to you

[Berries]

(((((((((((BeautifullyMistaken)))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel so horrible. I can relate.

Sending hugs

[readytorun]

Hi BeautifullyMistaken,

I came across your post today, and I just want to let you know that I can completely relate. I too am starting my spring semester next week, after battling a severe bout of anxiety depression. These last few months have been the scariest of my entire life, although my life hasn't been easy. I almost lost myself. The most important thing for me was learning that I was NOT alone. I was sad and anxious all of the time and I didn't know I was even "depressed". In the past I have also had problems with SI also. You are taking the right steps to recovery. I personally didn't feel my medication work until about a month, because everyone's bodies are different. And as far as school goes, if you need a break its OKAY to take a semester off to get better. Mental health should be the most important thing right now for you. To start to find those little reasons to be happy again. This is life, it's hard and unfair, but if you stick this out I know you WILL get through this okay. Best of luck friend.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Mike J - I don't plan on stopping the anti-depressants. The doc said they'll take a few weeks to start to feel better, but oddly enough I think I'm feeling worse after these 10 days. I plan on making a follow-up with my dr in the near future as well.

LynnP - Not really sure how my Mom feels (since she hasn't talked to me). Whenever I go there, she seems to be fine. But I agree, maybe she doesn't know what to say to me. Makes me feel like crap though.

SanitySeeker - I've been doing alright sleeping, dieting and exercising I suppose. I have a hard time falling asleep cause the meds make me sweat and shake. I'm usually not very hungry, but force myself to eat. I've tried to casually bring it up. I mentioned I had to leave her house soon so I can take the meds at 2pm (same time everyday). She just said OK. I mentioned some of the side effects, she just said to keep taking them. That's all I got out of her. I don't talk to my sister cause she is only 14. She still somewhat looks up to me...and I want her to think I'm fine. Other than that, I don't have any family or close friends. Thanks for the response.

Shezbut - Yeah, Seems like its going to take forever. I'm wondering if it will help at all cause as I mentioned, I feel worse. My mind is just all over the place..(probably not appropriate to post here). I don't have a T yet either. Gotta wait til June to get in cause I don't have insurance. It sucks not being able to talk to anyone for any sort of moral support. I'm always alone and sad, so that's where SI comes into play. I would love to hold onto hope &/or pleasure if I had some, but I'm at a point where I don't have either. I really feel I have absolutely nothing left.

Berries - Thank you!

(((((((((((((( BeautifullyMistaken )))))))))))))))) So much of finding the right medication is trial and error. If a new medication is causing you to feel worse, my thought is to call the doctor now. After going through a number of bad medication trials, I no longer suffer silently.

Good luck.

[lonegael]

Beautifully mistaken, I find that some Ads that I have taken will up my energy LONG before they will help my mood at all, and have since learned that this is a common problem with ADs and certain people. Yes, I felt like I was coming apart and except for my energy being up, I was not in a good place. It felt different than my mixed episodes, but NOT GOOD. In many cases, the longer you go and the slowly increased doses will usually bring the mood up to the same point the energy is at, but it takes a while. In a way this is my com+licated way of saying stay on the meds, stay in close contact with the p-doc and realize that this side effect can happen. Huggs dear. wish I could iron it out for you.

[Berries]

(((((Beautifullymistaken)))))

I don't know where you live but if it is in the US and in a relatively big city you might find a free support group for people with mood disorders. It is called DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance). I go to one and it really helps to connect with people you have something in common with. It was really, really hard for me to go in the beginning, but now I really like it. The people are very accepting, gentle and supportive. It makes me feel less alone. (I didn't have any friends either--now I do!)
Hope this helps.

[buttrfli42481]

Beautifully, I was on zoloft for 2 days and didn't stop shaking the entire time. It was so bad that my body hurt from moving so much. I called my dr and was taken off of it immediately. I was only taking half the prescribed dose with my drs ok. My SI got incredibly worse and I was admitted to the hospital the night I stopped the meds. I was put on cymbalta while in the hospital and had good results with it. I have the tendency to build up resistance against meds and have done that now with the cymbalta. I have been on it for 2 years.
If you feel like you are getting worse, don't wait to see your dr, call them now and tell them what is going on. Hope you get some answers and start to feel better soon.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Lonegal - I don't feel increased energy or mood. I'm actually more lethargic than I've ever been. Usually I'll do housework if I'm depressed, but I can't even manage to do much of that. I am still taking them, just cause I want to feel better...even if I have to feel like complete crap in the process. Berries - I did a search for the DBSA in my area, and there is nothing near me. I've contacted Mobile Crisis and asked them for information about finding something for myself as I'm uninsured, and they said they don't know what else I can do besides wait the 6 months. But thanks, I appreciate it. I'm going to continue my search to find something before that though. Buttrfli - Yeah, I deff. noticed my SI has gotten a lot worse since being on the meds. Everything appears worse, and not sure why. I've heard that cymbalta is good as well, so once I go to my appt. on the 15th, I'm going to ask about a med change. I'll continue to take mine in the meantime and hope I can stop SI and just get better. I hope I can get some answers soon too as well. I've NEVER felt this incredibly low. I'm actually thinking about going to inpatient care and going to call around and see what inpatient hospitalization is available to me, but not sure if I can because of my school schedule this semester. Yet at the same time - I'm not going to be able to finish if I can't make myself better...Ya know?

Again, Thanks everyone!

[lonegael]

Oh, dear. My heart goes out ot you, Beautifully mistaken, and I hope that this gets better enough for you to make it through the next week. Crossing my fingers for you and sending lots of HUGGS for fortification.

[Berries]

(((((((Beautifully Mistaken)))))))
I am sorry the DBSA isn’t near you. Bummer.
How far away is one? The one I go to is about ½ hour away. Gas is an issue for me, as with most, but I put it at the top of my budget because it is so worth it. I only go once a week, though they have meetings twice a week. And if money is tight, I miss a meeting or two.
I’d just hate that you will miss out on getting some support. You so deserve that.

[sanityseeker]

Beautifully MistakenHope things get better for you soon. Hang in there one day at a time. You are not alone.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

I believe the closest DBSA is at least an hour away. It wouldn't be too bad if the weather wasn't so horrible. I wish there was something like this available to me, but its looking like there's no hope.

I take things one day at a time, but its hard cause everyday I feel worse. I've called 4 different places so far this morning and they all keep giving me the run around. Still have 2 more places to call, plus wherever they refer me to call. I'm to the point I physically just don't feel good.

[BeautifullyMistaken]

Well, After a breakdown on Thursday night which almost lead me to the ER, I finally talked to my Mom last night. We talked for about 2 hours. I told her my feelings and the steps I am going to take and she told me her opinions and predicaments. I'm not gonna go into detail about everything but I'm gonna call around a few hospitals Monday and figure out inpatient treatment for the very near future. I want to get a week of classes under my belt and figure out a time frame of how long I might be in the hospital so I can determine whether or not I'm going to finish out the semester or delay graduation a year. Thanks everyone - For listening, I appreciate it a lot.

What a courageous move, BeautifullyMistaken. NAMI may be able to help you explore your options:

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...iateFinder.cfm

You are in my thoughts. Good luck!

[lonegael]

Good! Hang in there, brave one. You are in my thoughts as well. Hugs