[Peanut61]

How did things go yesterday? Did your antidepressant get changed/dosage increased? How about the interview? Please post so we won't be worried, (which I obviously already am). XOXO!! Wuv, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm not exactly in the best of shape. Sunday night I tried an "experiment" where I took ALOT of meds....mixed them up, all diff kinds. I didn't care whether I woke up or not - if I did, then I knew that wasn't enough for next time.

What triggered it is the fact that my son is going to be gone Sat. from the middle of the afternoon, overnight, till Sunday afternoon. I had signed him up for Scouts (he's a Wolf) and this is the first trip......I had figured on having my husband go with him to watch out for him and reassure him. But when I called, they said that they had enough adults going - so Alex would be going alone - without either of us being there. First time it would happen........the thought scared me so badly.

Alex would be away from me, and I'd be here with him in the house.........not a good thing. I didn't want to inflict my terror on Alex and we talked about the trip. He wanted to go, the only thing holding him back was "missing Mom"......so, I did my utmost to persuade him to go - pointed out all the advantages of being with his friends, looking at a cool submarine, etc. - all the time with my stomach in knots. I did say that if it was for more than overnight, I would have definitely said no, but I didn't want him to miss out going because of me. He agreed to go. I called the scout master and told him about Alex's fear and I got him to let my husband go along as well. This solved some of my fears and Alex was more comfortable. But........I will be here alone for that time period. Hence, my experiment.

I woke up Monday feeling beyond horrible. On my way to my pdoc appt. I called my T and stupidly babbled about what I had done. My head hurt so bad, and felt so fuzzy, and my mind was definitely not in gear.......and without stopping her, that inner me reached out and rambled. My chest hurt as well most of the day. I went to see my pdoc and told him what I had done (my T asked me if I would tell me, so I did). I also showed him some of my posts so he would understand the depth of my depression these days and prescribe something else - and that I wasn't joking about this Sat. night. He told me that he wanted to call my T and talk to him about his ideas on meds and "some other ideas".........which he mentioned might be hospitalizing me.

In my frame of mind, my survival instinct kicked into overdrive and so did my paranoia, esp. when my T told me that HE would never hospitalize me but he couldn't guarantee what a diff doctor would do and couldn't stop him. This threw my memory into a comment of how "there were other ways to stop me".....and I freaked out. My pdoc wouldn't tell me anything or even about a next appt, just he had to talk to my T...and "what time are you going on Wed"? I was in high paranoia then.

After my interview, which went well btw - they also suggested a position of HRA, Human Resource Assistant (the one who does the all the hiring for the store) - and they just called for a 2nd interview for tomorrow afternoon. Anyway, after my interview I went running back to my T's office - just dropped in. Thankfully he had no one there, although I would have waited for him, and he saw me right away. My pdoc had called him and he reassured him that I was coming Wed. morning......and that as far as he was concerned I would be able to leave, as per his promise.

All night this ate at me and I felt completely threatened. I sent my T an email this morning asking if it was going to be a "set-up" where I had visitors tomorrow morning during our appt. He responded by saying that he wasn't a mind reader as to what my pdoc intended, but that he had emailed my T again this morning about meds. To me, that was another red flag and I got more upset. [sigh]. I finally got thru to my pdoc's voice mail, after a number of phone calls since he is not in his office today, and asked him to call me. He did, and I point blank asked him what he is up to.........he claims nothing, and says that he won't hospitalize me without talking to me and being there first.......told me he won't even be in town tomorrow. He did say that he will go back to his office, look over my file and make a decision about what med to put me on and leave a prescription for me in an envelope at his office for tomorrow after my meeting with my T. In the meantime, I had sent an email to my T telling him that I wasn't questioning his motives, just felt cornered and that even though HE wouldn't do anything, he also wouldn't stop it from happening. My response back was in bold type (I think I made him mad) that he guaranteed me that I would be able to leave. [sigh].

I responded with the latest from my pdoc and said that I will be hyper (as I'm sure he figures), but that I will be there. It has NOT been a good day so far.....and I feel like a complete idiot - but those warning flags are still there, not as bad, but still there.

In the midst I am dealing with unemployment, my son, and my husband (his nerves are on edge today.....omg, WHY CAN'T HE THINK OF ANYONE BUT HIMSELF?) and going into work later. My boss wants more hours out of me, and a doctor's clearance (which I don't have and can't get yet), and how I have to be trained and promoted by the 22nd. There is such an urge to yell and scream at everyone and say, "after Saturday none of this will matter - go to hell".............grrrrrrrr. Anger and fear are just a few of the balls I am juggling today.

So tomorrow I have to get up super early after closing tonite (that leaves about 4 hours to sleep), be completely distraught during my appt. with my T, run across town to get a prescription if I am allowed to leave, and then go for a second interview...............sure, all in a day's work, and stay calm.....NOT!!!

I am sorry this is so long........I wish I hadn't woken up Monday morning....and I still have the weekend to deal with. I wish God would put me out of my misery.

My apologies everyone for such a long post. xoxoxo

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} = I have to say that I am SO VERY GLAD that the pills did not work on Saturday night, not only because our dear friend would have been lost, but because your little Alex would have come home to that and blamed himself for the rest of his life that it was his fault because he left you = his young mind and heart will NEVER be able to process that, Mary Alice, never. PLEASE work with your doctors to get on the right meds for the depression = it's so very critically important for you to do that, and then you need to allow some time for them to begin to work, OK?!! As always, your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

I'm glad that you are still with us, and sorry that you have so many things to deal with right now. Do you have anyplace you could go this weekend to get out of the house? I'm worried about you, especially this weekend. At the minimum, is there something you don't usually get to do that you would enjoy that you could plan for your time alone? Something you like to eat that you never get because you are the only one in your family who likes it? How could you get maximum benefit out of the situation? There are benefits to having the house all to yourself for a little while.

Please keep checking in so that we know how you are doing. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

Hi {{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}: Did you post again and I didn't see it? Thinking of you... Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[ltlredvett]

Mary Alice, my thoughts and prayers are with you because the bottom line is that no one should have to suffer the way you are suffering. No one.

{{{{{{{{Vett}}}}}}}}}}} ty for caring. It's not been good and it's getting worse. I hope you are feeling better.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm worried about me too........terrified actually. Thanks for caring in the midst of your own issues, you are special.....

Mary Alice

[sigh] hi everyone.........an update on things so far. :::::::wavin at Peanut::::::::::

Against my better judgement, I went to see my T this morning. Had four hours of sleep, but I went. Foolishly I scouted out the area before going into the building and then checked all around there as well.

My T is the most special person I have ever met.......I just don't understand this man. He is trying so hard not to hospitalize me because he feels that would be like a betrayal to me.....so he came up with a solution/suggestion. Instead of putting me in the hospital, he is going to call me several times a day, esp on Sat. and see how I am, how my mood is, try to help me if necessary, etc. I had to agree to talk to him when he calls, and I gave him my cell number. I told him that if I am able to answer the phone, I will. I also told him that Sat. has about a 90% chance of being "the day"........sorry if that upsets anyone, but I am trying to explain how I feel. My T says that as long as I talk to him, he won't intervene over the weekend. I am scared, everyone........really, down deep scared. If I am not "able" to answer the phone when he calls, he will send ppl to my house to help me.......course I told him that I would talk to him, but not be at home when it happens.

He called me later this afternoon to check on me - twice actually because I didn't hear the phone ring with my windows down on the interstate. So I called him figuring it was him and I was right. I also told him that by Sat. I will be drinking alcohol to not feel things.......not good if mixed with meds.

Then I went to my second interview after crying when I left my T's office. For the first time in 2 years I hugged him goodbye and thanked him for everything that he has done for me. I went into the restroom and just cried my eyes out.

My T told me that he wants me to know that I am not alone, that even when the phone call ends, I am in his thoughts and that he is concerned.......he left word with his answering service that if I call at any time, I am to be put thru to him.....esp. Friday, Sat. and Sunday. God, the man scares me to death.....

Then ironically enough, I got two more calls about jobs and then got offered two jobs today.......the one from today and the other one from my first interview at the beginning of the week. Am I happy about this? No.......both told me that my resume and letters spoke for themselves in terms of my capabilities (they are both management jobs and good pay).....all I thought was they aren't hiring "me", they hiring the image on the paper.

My T told me that he will call me every single day, sometimes twice a day to check on me and remind me that he is there. I don't want him calling, I don't want to know that he is there - it is ONLY him that is there for me in my real life......but if I don't answer the phone.......I have unwelcome visitors.

I am so confused, so scared. I actually considered checking into the hospital, but I'm terrified they won't let me out again. My pdoc prescribed Zoloft, 100mg.......been on it before, but not that high a dosage. I doubt it will change my depression - it didn't before.

I went out today and spent money I shouldn't have - $200 which was part of my car payment. That is NOT me, esp. when things are so bad right now. [sigh] My thought was it didn't matter since I won't be around to worry about it - told my T what I did, which certainly didn't ease his worry.

I feel like such a mess.......if I make it thru the weekend, I have accepted 2 jobs. One means going out of town for 5 weeks, but being able to come home 2 days out of each week. Good pay, salary, and after training it is right in town. The other job, which was my second interview today, is for pretty good money plus weekly pay....but I'd still working at my job now as well - would have to make ends meet......plus the job is about 40 mins. away and winter is coming. Then I have two more job interviews next week. This is stupid..........I am such a chaotic mess - thoughts & voices that just won't shut up....

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}: I desparately wish that I knew something to say that would help. The new med. needs time to work, right? I feel so helpless...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad that your T is going to keep checking on you. Give the meds some time to start working, okay? I might be selfish, but I don't want to lose you. Please check in with us frequently. Tell me, what can I do to help you?

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

Mary Alice.. Please Oh Please.. DO not do anything silly this weekend..
We all care about you, and would miss you ever so much..
I wish I lived near you I would bring my daughter over and spend the whole weekend with you doing girl stuff painting our nails, doing each ohters hair and makeup.. you knwo act like we were kinds again.. Wouldnt that be fun..
I want to see you on the fourm on Monday.. And I want you to be in chat on Sunday, I will try my hardest to be in there Sunday at 7pm Central time zone that is the one I live in..
I want you to be better, give the meds time, trust me ..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}} I start the new meds tomorrow, the Zoloft at 100mg. Please don't feel helpless, geez the last thing I want is to upset the people I care about and that means everyone here.

I'm looking at things with new eyes actually.......like how nice it was today to feel the wind on my face......I think I'm depressing myself [sigh].

Course, the fact that I was hurt a few days ago isn't helping my mood either. I got to see the bannister that goes upstairs really close and my poor shoulder has the bruises to verify it wasn't a close encounter either of us wanted. That and bruise "finger prints" on my arm - life sucks these days.

Peanut? thanks for caring.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}} I appreciate your caring, so very much. I wish any of you really could help. I know that Sat. afternoon I will start drinking and that will snow ball into the evening.......I might be home, but if he calls and senses anything really bad, home won't be a safe place to be.

You are very, very nice to be concerned, ty. I'll be here often no doubt if I am home.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{Lady}}}}}}}}}} you are so sweet........I've never, ever done the "girl stuff" you talk about - never even slept over at someone else's house when I was a kid - or went to someone's birthday party.

One thing I can't do, is make a promise that I may not keep.....and I won't lie to you or anyone here. Odds right now are against me, to be honest. It will be a test of my strength this weekend, and lately I have had no energy and no desire to battle with the feelings.

I did send my T an email because I have to travel that way again tomorrow after work to do the paperwork for the one job - god only knows why I'm going, but I did ask that he not call me (which I know he will ignore) anymore, but that I would like to see him again one more time before the weekend.

He's not giving me enough time to shut down, to stop feeling and I know why.....but at the same time, I need to do that. To stop hurting.

Take care of yourself, Lady please. I worry about you as well, you know.

@~~~>~~~~~~~ a rose for a beautiful Lady

Mary Alice

[somebody]

((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))
I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time right now. I really wish there was something I could do or say to make things better... I honestly know how you feel because I too am in that same situation...I did OD a few weeks ago thinking not to wake up the next day...
Have you thought about going into the hospital? Why are they not putting you on two forms of anti-depressants at one time... I am on Effexor and Lexapro right now... I was on Zoloft before the Lexapro... but I was maxed out on both anti-depressants at the same time. Effexor really did help but I think my body is getting use to it after 4 years being on it. You should give it a thought about going into the hospital... It isn't that bad and all they want to do is get you meds that are going to work for you... Been in the hospital twice now. First time I went against my will...second time I went freely...The second time was a better experience then the first...don't like handcuffs and ankle chains... and I got taken to a hospital 4 hours from here the first time because it was against my will. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but you also have a little boy that won't understand...and he really needs you...I have struggled with that for many years...I told my husband I would see my kid though school... They are both finished with school now but my daughter threw in a wrench in the mess... my Grandson... Now I battle myself because that part of me wants to go but that other part keeps saying .... you have to be here for Jarod now too... I'm his only grandparent on this side of his family. Please think of Alex before you do anything...I once took my van to drive it into a tree... I was going 90 MPH... never saw a tree big enough on that road ... there were many... but at the end of the road all I saw was a vision of my kid in my head...That was the reason I had to be here... for them...SO PLEASE... Think of ALEX first...think what his life will be without you... he missed you for one night... think how he will miss you for a life time...

[LadyDragus]

If I had your number I would call you myslef, ( but I would never betray our friendship online) just to check up on you.. I have a cell phone that is free on Weekends..
I care a great deal,, and I know your childern care for you too.. I just do not want to see a post saying you are no longer with us.. I never want to see that about anyone..
Just think of that little boy, if he were to come home and "mommie" be gone.. I know when I was at this stage of deperssion, I had to think long and hard, would I really want my "husband" to raise my childern on his own? Do I really want him to be the only "role" model, no matter how [censored] up I am, to be in her life..

We are both good mothers, no matter how much we are mixed up on the inside, and trust me, I have been where you are right now.. But I have been in this place since the day my first child was born at 15oz and I had to leave her in the Hosptial for five months, before I could bring her home, to live with me..

Just always remember no matter how down we feel, our childern have to come second to our heath,. your son needs you in his life.. Trust me

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Rapunzel]

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm worried about me too........terrified actually. Thanks for caring in the midst of your own issues, you are special.....

Mary Alice

<hr></blockquote>

The same could be said of you (and is), but I will be so mad at you if at any point you abandon us. Not to put guilt on you, but that is how I feel. I'm sitting here trying to think of what to say to you, and I am at a loss. You are one of the most empathetic and intelligent people here, and we can't afford to lose you. And if we can't, just think of your son!

Six months ago I was suicidal too. I had a deadline and was saving up pills to overdose. I didn't do it, and the only reason at the time was because I knew how bad it would be for my family and a few other people (mostly on-line) who care about me. I told my penpal about it, and will never forget what she wrote me back, "think of your poor cyber sister sitting her with tears running down her face knowing that she was too far away to help you." That is the same way I feel about you right now.

Please don't withdraw. Yes, it's cruel to drag us along and let us get to know you and love you if you are just going to end it and nothing we do can make a difference. Even so, not having the chance to know would be even more regrettable if that is even possible. Keep talking to us and let us know what you are going through. We already know anyway, but maybe by sharing it your burden will be lessened some, and it is worth it. You are worth it. You are worth living for.

Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[LMo]

Just a short note to say I'm thinking about you MA

Your friend,
LMo

Ian is going to be a-ok!

[Fuzzybear]

Thinking of you Mary Alice,

Your fuzzy friend ...

[pebblypoo]

Hi Mary Alice,

I haven't posted to you in the past, because the main thought I've had about your posts are, well I felt maybe inappropriate for me to say, especially since we don't know each other.

But since some of the others who posted above mentioned it, here goes. I don't have children and there's "no hope on the horizon" though I'm always willing to adopt. When I read your posts you talk about how Alex tells you constantly that he loves you. He wakes up in the morning kissing you. Didn't you say that when you stopped in his school the other day he told you right there that he loves you?

While I understand that having a child isn't the be all and end all of happiness and that a person obviously can be clinically depressed even with a child that they care for.........................................all I can think when I read your posts is, "How could she do that to HIM?" Aside from the logistics, who would raise him, is that person someone you would WANT to be his only parent? How does a 6,7 year old reconcile his mother taking her own life? She didn't love me enough? I didn't love her enough? I was bad so she left me? How do I ever get close to and trust another adult, because my mom loved me most and she still died?

I have a friend who's mother commited suicide when my friend was around 35. She talks about it often and gets tears in her eyes every time. This was more than 15 years ago, and my friend was and still is happily married with 3 adult children. Yet, she has never, will never get over the fact that her mother was hurting so much that she took her own life. Is that what you want for Alex?

I hope that all you have to do is look in his face, realize how much he needs you, and let that be the impetus for finding the will to live.

You are the most important person in his life. I don't say this to make you see this responsibility as a burden further adding to your problems. It is not a burden, it is a gift.

Take care,
pebs

<font color=purple> The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated--Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night in bed and I ask, "Is it all worth it?" And then a voice says, "Who are you talking to?" And another voice says, "You mean, ' To whom are you talking?'" And I say, "No wonder I lie awake at night."--Charlie Brown </font color=purple>

[kvinneakt]

Suicide is not an option. Hospitalize yourself, even get ECT first.

Suicide adds 10 times more suffering to the world you leave behind than you carry with you now.

Your family, your child, your friends will suffer for the rest of their lives.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[Peanut61]

I'm waiting for you to post today like you said you would, {{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}} = Keeping you in my prayers, and tomorrow we could meet in the chat room if you want = let me know if there's a time when you might come in, even all evening if you want... As always, your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[ltlredvett]

I think all of our thoughts are with Mary Alice as she goes through this most difficult time. Msny people are so shocked and amazed that Mary Alice could think of ending her own life and leaving her son without a mother. I know suicidal parents, including me, actually rationalize and feel that their chidlren in many ways would be better off without them. In many cases had it not been for their children such people would of went through with it a long time ago. Children do inspire us to hang in there as long as we can.

I feel so deeply for Mary Alice, I share her pain and hope that she can find a way out of her feelings of hopelessness. Living a life where each and every day your pain exceeds your ability to cope is such an incredible struggle. The suffering that Mary Alice must be going through must be incredibly painful. I can relate so much to her and my prayers are with her as we both seemed to be following the same path.

Vett************ty Everyone thank you so much.

You are right Vett, we have much in common and you understand as well, ty.

Mary Alice