[lynn09]

I was hoping that by taking a break over the holidays I would feel better, but I still cannot even log in to PC without my PTSD, anxiety, and severe depressive episodes being instantly triggered - and it gets worse every time I log in. It has become increasingly difficult just to read and post VMs and respond to PMs, and I cannot respond to threads at all, now - I just shut down - engulfed and nearly paralyzed by overwhelming sorrow and sadness - feeling uncomfortable, out of place, and even unwelcome in some instances.

I know that my physical energy has been depleted because I've been fighting this massive recurring abscess in my left jaw for over a month now (allergic to antibiotics), so that's a lot of infection and pain that my body is having to handle on its own - even so - this is nothing new....... I want to be here to support, comfort, encourage, and interact with others - but then I shut down, my mind begins to go blank like a door slowly closing, and I feel like my chest and heart are being crushed by some unbearable weight - some unbearable sorrow - all my energy drains away and is replaced by a sort of emotional, mental, and physical lethargy and numbness - all I want to do is cry; the tears well up, but do not fall - the sorrow and pain are just too deep and intense - then all I can do is log off and walk away. I'm also allergic to psych meds, so there's no help there.

I'm hoping that forcing myself to post what I am experiencing will help me to identify the problem so I can do something to alleviate these feelings and move beyond them. Would appreciate any insights and suggestions. lynn09

[lynn P.]

Hi Lynn,
so sorry to hear you're not well. It's very hard having an abscess like this, especially when you can't take antibiotics. Be careful because sometimes these can get into the blood stream - but you're smart and probably know this already. I know how you feel about feeling like you can't post. All I can say is to please take good care mentally and physically. You have so many physical challenges and I sometimes marvel the way you cope. Never feel out of place here - you're always welcome here,
Lynn

[lonegael]

((((((((((Lynn))))))))) could it be that something inside or happening with your illness makes you feel that you might be rejected? Being sick like that is an awefull thing! I know that there is a lot going on in your life that is really stressfull, could this be affecting how you feel about reaching out here as well?

Anyhoo, I just want you to know that I have been missing you, but that is NOT pressure for you to PM or post more than YOU feel you need to. I just want you to feel beter, and if that means taking a long break dear, then do it. I might post anyway to say hi. Hang in there, Warrior Woman, and take excellent care of your wonderfull self. HUGGGSSSS

[Rohag]

Dear Lynn09! You struggle with the pains that flow through the body and through the mind, yet you are able to post so lucidly.

To freeze on the threshold of interaction is heartbreaking. May those times grow fewer and fewer.

[Naturefreak]

(((Lynn09)))

Hi lynn,

seems like you are in a place where you just have no resources left to give from. That you need all of your energy to heal, physically and emotionally. i'm glad you posted what you did, as it gives others a chance to give you some support...you have mine..

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lynn09

I was hoping that by taking a break over the holidays I would feel better, but I still cannot even log in to PC without my PTSD, anxiety, and severe depressive episodes being instantly triggered - and it gets worse every time I log in. It has become increasingly difficult just to read and post VMs and respond to PMs, and I cannot respond to threads at all, now - I just shut down - engulfed and nearly paralyzed by overwhelming sorrow and sadness - feeling uncomfortable, out of place, and even unwelcome in some instances.

I know that my physical energy has been depleted because I've been fighting this massive recurring abscess in my left jaw for over a month now (allergic to antibiotics), so that's a lot of infection and pain that my body is having to handle on its own - even so - this is nothing new....... I want to be here to support, comfort, encourage, and interact with others - but then I shut down, my mind begins to go blank like a door slowly closing, and I feel like my chest and heart are being crushed by some unbearable weight - some unbearable sorrow - all my energy drains away and is replaced by a sort of emotional, mental, and physical lethargy and numbness - all I want to do is cry; the tears well up, but do not fall - the sorrow and pain are just too deep and intense - then all I can do is log off and walk away. I'm also allergic to psych meds, so there's no help there.

I'm hoping that forcing myself to post what I am experiencing will help me to identify the problem so I can do something to alleviate these feelings and move beyond them. Would appreciate any insights and suggestions. lynn09

please dont be so hard on yourself. theres a saying if the shoe fits wear it if it dont throw it out or give it away. do you like every book that a friend of yours reads, di you like all the same foods that others around you like? you are you and not everyone can do the same things. If coming here is causing you to have panic attacks and problems then maybe nows not the right time for you to be here, just like now may not be the right time for you to read "aunt martha's" favorite book called dating rules for the victorian era, or eat your mothers favorite pigs feet delight. just because there are posts here saying how good this place is and there are lots of posts of people saying how much this website has helped them doesn't mean it helps everyone and that everyone thinks its the place to be. just because coming here works for some people doesn't mean its going to work for everyone that comes here. there is nothing wrong with saying I cant do this right now and finding something else that will work for you.

I should not leave a response, but I am going to anyway.

It takes so much energy to give to others - we don't realize it.

It is easy for us to share a shoulder, a kind word, some laughter, wanting to heal everyone's hurts and take away their pain.

At the same time you are crying and bleeding inside.

You the Great Oak stand strong for those who need you. You thrive from knowing they need you.

At the same time you are frail, small, gentle and quite.

Great Oak You are beginning to lean.

You have refused to see, to listen to yourself calling.

Giving everything you have to others, neglecting yourself into numbness.

You have numbed yourself from what you want, desperately need, want and desire.

Stand back Great Oak. Rest your weary roots.

Your leaves have dropped off. Leaves, your tears. Crying from your soul.

It is time. It is time Great Oak for you to tend to yourself.

It is time you breathe, deeply inhale all that you have shared with others, to now give to yourself.

It is time to see, feel, like, love, accept, share, dare to know, to let go, let out, to play...

As you have always been the Great Oak. This magical moment you can, you are allowed to become the seedling..

As you continue tending to yourself your leaves will grow with the brilliance of many colors.

The growth of your leaves in their vibrancies will emit strength you have never known.

Then those who may need you will come you and you want them to come.


Okay, well I've written what wanted to come out - most often I don't have a choice what comes out on paper or from my mouth.

Love Susan

[justfloating]

((((((((((lynn))))))))))))


I'm sorry you're in so much physical and emotional pain right now. I wish I could do something to make it go away. What I can do is tell you that I understand the feeling of not being able to post. Some days I want so badly to post or respond to the posts I read, but I am too far gone to even do that. I think most of us here experience good days and bad days in terms of our abilities to do the simplest things, so you're in good company. Know that you are well-loved and respected, and try not to be hard on yourself on the days that you can't post. Your presence is appreciated, but your absences are understood. Just take things one day at a time. Sending lots of hugs and good vibes your way.

[lonegael]

Starlite wrote a lovely poem there. I don't think I could add,even though in my heart I would like to. There aren't the words, Lynn. You do what you need to. That is important.

[Fuzzybear]

Starlite's poem is beautiful...

sending love (((((((((((( lynn )))))))))))))

[Berries]

(((((((((((lynn)))))))))))

You are a treasured and wonderful friend. I am so very sorry that you are in such agony.
If posting causes such angst, then take a break from it. Take as long as you need. Know that we will always be here when or even if you come back.
I don't want you to suffer. You mean so much to me. I wish I could make all your pain go away. That is what you truly deserve.

Wishing you peace

[lynn09]

(((((((((Everyone)))))))))) Thank you all for your kind words, support, and understanding.

I'm still struggling with this - still very uncomfortable; however, I want you all to understand that my discomfort is no reflection on anyone here. I do know that this is a trust thing. I think that perhaps I have become over-sensitized having experienced so many devastating betrayals of my trust during the last 11 years by my family members, friends, former employer, insurance companies, Texas social service agencies and healthcare providers, and even my own attorney (who still has not refunded my retainer or sent me my file as he promised), as well as having had a few emotionally-traumatic experiences recently here at PC.

On the upside, I do now have in my possession enough of my Michigan medical records to prove beyond any question that I have not fabricated or "mis-remembered" anything, and that my family members have lied about my personal and medical history to my Texas healthcare providers and everyone else in order to defame and discredit me so that my siblings could get control of my 1/3 share of the inheritance in our mother's will and to protect themselves from being exposed as the abusers they truly are. At least now I can finally get a new primary care physician who will have the real facts in hand before branding me and treating me like a lunatic and criminal based solely on my family's petty, false, malicious gossip, and I can receive treatment for my immune-system disorder and other chronic medical conditions.

Even though I am happy about and somewhat relieved by this, I'm still so apprehensive and so tired - feel like I have been taking a beating every moment of the past 11 years by the very people and organizations that were supposed to be dedicated to acting in my best interest and advocating for me. Instead, they all betrayed their ethics and my trust, and violated my rights, then concealed their misconduct at my expense having deemed my life to be of such insignificant consequence as to be forfeit. So much betrayal, pain, damage, and loss - I feel like a building on the verge of collapsing into dust because it's foundation has become too compromised.

This is all I can say for now - too overwhelmed to continue. Again, thank you all for your support. Later, lynn09

[Rohag]

((((((( Lynn09! )))))))

Thank you for posting. One small victory at a time...

[amante]

Lynn09,
Sending you cyber hugs because you sure sound like you need them today. There's a line in the movie "Bridges of Madison County" that is "Do what you need to do in this life to be happy" If the forums and posting is causing too much pain, then in your heart you must do what feels right. Taking a break, not reading the pain of others maybe what you need. The posting becomes so addictive sometimes and it's hard not to be so consumed by other peoples situations. Perhaps you can log onto different sections of the PC website and find positive postings to reply to, things like parenting, spiritual etc... anyway, people totally understand and can relate to what you are feeling. Sending positive vibes your way.