From hard to impossible

Today was the day I finally got myself down to the hospital for the blood work. I did everything right to prepare myself and get myself into the calmest state of mind I could muster before leaving the house.

Driving into the parking lot I could feel the nausia. I slowly made it to the lab feeling fuzzy from the anxiety. I sat and focused on my breath to reduce the strain. I even engaged in conversation with someone to distract me until they called me in. I vocalized my anxiety with the tech to help reduce the stress. I went for a walk along the river along side the hospital to decompress.

I thought since I was there maybe I would check at the mental health centre next to the hospital to see if the pdoc still came to town every month. The anxiety started to show and while the answer to my question about the pdoc was no the receptionist said I looked like I needed to talk to someone and said a counsellor was available. I had to go collect my son for lunch but she convinced me to come back at 2pm when another counsellor would be able to see me.

My son stood me up so I just came home. By the time I got home I was wasted. Totally exhausted and drained from the stress. I had some lunch and then layed down to try to settle down before I had to head back to see the counsellor. As much as I didn't want to go I determined to do it.

I got there a few minutes ahead of time. Not 10 minutes into me giving her some background.... already in tears..... someone else came into the office needing a shot. She was the only one covering the office so she had to excuse herself to give the lady her shot. Then I heard another person come and I thought to myself.... this isn't going to work. I can't do this. How many more interruptions will there be? This isn't good.

I grabbed my coat and took off. I can't believe this happened. I am probably the most resistant person to asking for help in the whole entire world and this happens. I finally ask for help and this happens. I am beside myself.

I am so tired from the effort of the day and what did I really do. Go to the hospital for a blood test and that was enough to knock me to my knees. I was toast before I even went back to the counsellor and now I am just sort of numb to prevent from going absolutely blooming crazy. I can bearly think let alone breath.

anyways.... I'm spent. I finally listened to all the advice about getting help and zippo. Back to square one. Me and me and me alone.

Sorry..... just had to dump this. My head is ready to exploide. I ache all over and my mind is mush. I am exhausted and discouraged and so so afraid of what is to come of me. My poor son. I nearly snapped his head off when he called me and I asked where he was at lunch time.

I have to go collect him from school now and take him to the gym. Hope I can be nice to him.

Thanks for listening to me blabbering self pity party.

((((((((( sanityseeker )))))))))) Beating up on yourself is not the answer, friend. You SUCCEEDED in getting the blood work done. If was hard for you to do, but you did it.Yay for you!

Next time remember that you experienced some discomfort but nothing life-threatening -- short term discomfort -- discomfort you can handle.

Hug your son.

Sanityseeker,
I agree with TheByzantine, you did a fantastic job getting to the hospital for the blood work, and chatted to someone to help distract yourself and ease your anxiety. that was a terrific start, I'm really sorry that the T had to leave and go give someone else a shot. Your feelings are absolutely justified. Making such trips when it's so difficult are so exhausting, I hope you can make up the bad experience with a good time with your son tonight. Sending you a cyber hug.

Thanks guys... I really appreciate the support and affirmations of what I did succeed in doing. I do need to remember like you say TheByzantine... sort term discomfort that I can manage. I was proud of myself but it just got lost in the mess at the MH office.

On my way home I had to stop at the store and they didn't have what I needed which meant I had to go to another one. I was affirming myself at every step the fact that I was able to compose myself enough to go into the store in the first place. Coping with having to go to a second store and actually doing it instead of loosing it and running home without what I needed was pretty amazing actually.

I am slowly recovering here. My son is an angel. I apologized to him when I picked him up after school. Admited I take advantage of him and allow myself to vent pent up rage at him and that it wasn't fair and I was sorry. He was forgiving and understood cuz he knew how stressed I was about going to the hospital. He is even making me dinner tonight cuz he knows how tired I am. We are going to watch some tv tonight. I love him so.

Thanks again my friends. It is so good to be able to come here and know I am understood. No one in my life would get it if I tried to explain it. Well I guess my son gets it and that is a mixed blessing. Hate that he has to go through this with me but our bond is strong and he knows I love him dearly.

Wishing you all well and happy tomorrows.

Don't worry yourself to much about your son, you said you had to take him to the gym - so i am guessing he is not a child any more, that said he undoubtedly understands more than you think and he will be able to cope with what is going on with you. And as you already know sanityseeker he can help you. I agree with previous posts, hug your boy show him that it is not him that frustrates, that way you wont feel like you have caused another problem for yourself! Keep fighting sanityseeker. I am new to this site and knowing that others, while faced with some very difficult **** (to say the least) they are still fighting! May love and respect go out to you

Thank you 2complex... and welcome to PC....

Feel pretty wasted still today even though I did get some sleep last night. Fighting the urge to retreat back into my hiding place... not winning so far. All I feel able to do today is to avoid stimulation I can't control. Just weary.

I have been known to cancel a day for lack of interest, although I do not recommend it.

Don't forget, it was THEIR mess! You did not deserve to be interrupted like that; that's poor planning on their part! My therapist wouldn't open the door during session for anyone and would get angry if anyone tried to interrupt (FedEX guy :-)

(((((Sanity seeker)))))) Totally agree with the post above.I am impressed that you even managed to get to the store afterward! Very good. And talk to your son about how things were. EXCELLENT. After that, I think you can expect that you would have a down time. Just don't turn it into what it isn't. Think of it as training pains in your social muscles. HUGGGGGS.

Sorry for the rant. I am so grateful to PC. Thanks for being here.

No need to be sorry. You persevered under difficult circumstances. Please tell yourself, "I did good!".

((((((((((( sanityseeker ))))))))))))

Okay.... will keep that echoing in my head. I did good. Yes... that is empowering.

Been pushing myself to do small things today. Following a to do list so that I don't have to think between activities. Resting in faith that somehow things will work out no matter what it looks like or how I feel.

Made an appointment to see my GP to review my lab results. It took 2 tries because I was upset the first time when she said I would have to wait 3 weeks and I said forget it just get him to look at the results and if everything is fine let me know when I can pick up a new script. After I settled down I called back to book an appointment because I need to be honest with myself and admit I need his help. I will just have to stop myself from thinking too much about it in advance. Keep it in perspective.

Thanks again for checking in with me. It seems so easy to feel alone and invisible these days.

Wishing you well.

I am not sure anyone is up for any more of my saga but I need to let some stuff out of my head and so far nothing has worked. I rambled on about it here before and deleted the post and without it here for me to reread and minimize in still has a hold on me. Will try to give the Readers Digest version.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call. A friend from the city was looking for a place to sleep for the night. She would be arriving late and leaving early for a meeting up the canyon the next morning. Even though I was not up to company and haven't had anyone in my house besides my son's friends for more than six months I am not good at saying no when someone asks for a favour. Mostly I just avoid being in the position. I only picked up the phone because I thought it was my son calling for a ride home from the gym. I did try to make excuses but she wasn't buying any of them and so I convinced myself that it might even help me get out of my hole by busying myself with preparing a room for her etc.

A couple hours later the panic had escellated and I ended up phoning her mother, who is actually a closer friend and is aware of my issues. I was in pretty bad shape by the time I called her and asked her to let her daughter know that I had to recant my hospitality. I felt really bad about it because I knew it meant her daughter would have to get a motel instead but my friend was supportive and told me not to worry. It was hard to own my limitations but as the night went on I was glad to not have put that pressure on myself.

Unfortunately my conversation with my friend, while providing me a way out of one difficulty opened up some other sore spots. She told me she is moving and that made me sad because even though I don't see her often she is one person I have opened up to and who has been a real support to me in difficult times. She also told me about a new business venture she and another friend are advancing. I just felt sad because there was a time that we were going to develop a business together. It was such a reminder of how life is going on all around me and here I sit. I wished her well but my heart was broken just the same. I know she would love for me to jump on board but we both know it isn't possible. I tell myself it's okay but its hard to believe it will ever be okay. That I will ever be me again.

The last couple of days the news is full of story about the Olympics and the Cultural Festival. But for being so sick I would be in the middle of all of that. Up to a couple of years ago I was up to my neck developing, promoting and raising money for events for the festival. Then I got too sick to cope with the demands and abandoned everyone to carry on with out me. I exchange the odd email offering advice and encouragement to some of the artisans I still connect with now and then but that's as much as I can muster. To see it all happening without me is killing me. I just want the festival to be over so I am not reminded of all that I lost.

Okay... now I need to let those things go for once and for all. It is what it is. I wish all of my friends greet success and I am proud of what they are doing and accomplishing. I am pleased with what I did to help them along the way and accept that..... what?... what can I accept about being left by the way side.

Okay.... I did good. What I did was good. Good enough. It will just have to be good enough. It was all I had. Still.... my heart is broken to be left on the side lines of life.

Still I must keep on keepin on somehow. One day at a time. I got out of my room today. Showered and took the dog for a walk. I did dishes, washed and vacumed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I did useful things and I will just need to keep telling myself... I did good.

Its not the measure of how much but rather its the recognition of doing something that must give me my value today.

(((((((((((TheBysantine)))))))))))) You did good by me today. Thank you so much for those 3 little words. They are sustaining me and keeping me 'okay'.

Another good night's sleep behind me. Feeling more level today.

I was sitting here responding to posts when the dog started to bark at noises outside. I heard myself saying to him 'It's Okay' and suddenly the words were very profound.

Often when I say to him 'Be quiet' or 'stop barking' he just barks more and gets increasingly aggitated. Yet if I say to him 'Its Okay' he seems somehow comforted and reassured. Nothing changed about the sounds outside but my assurance that everything was okay, that I was aware of the annoyance somehow gave him comfort.

I used to think just saying "everything would be okay" was more like a statement of denial. Like I was refusing to deal with reality. Now I have a new appreciation for the value of words that serve to comfort without them needed to change anything more than the level of comfort.

With comfort comes clarity and with clarity comes rest. Puppy was comforted and able to rest knowing it was okay for him to let the noises happen without needing to know why they were there. They were no long of any consequence to him.

Of course the noises soon passed. Such is the noise of the voice of depression. It is okay that it squabbles and squacks now and then. Soon it will stop and if and when it comes again it will be okay then too because like before it will stop again.

Have a good day my friends. Everything will be okay. Leave the noises outside and be comforted knowing they are of no real consequence. They are just noises.

You know, Sanity seeker, it will be OK. Maybe not easy, but OK. HUggs.

Yup... it will be okay. Thanks lonegael. I have no idea how some of the challenges I am facing will be resolved but for now I am resting in the comfort of knowing that I know it will be OK. It is OK. I am OK. We affirm that to be so.

i hear you... the same thing happens to me alot. i hope you are feeling better. just remember, there is always help, even if it takes a little bit for it to seem plausible