doing anything at all

How do I make myself do anything at all? I took the day off work, now my therapist, who I usually see today, is sick. I haven't eaten anything except one cookie the entire day today, I just ordered a pizza. I haven't been able ot make myself go to the grocery store in two weeks. I am spending insanely too much money on eating out because I can't face the thought of cleaning the old food out of my refrigerator and going grocery shopping. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I've been crying on and off ever since my therapist's office called. I had taken the day off precisely because I knew I'd be able to make myself go to the grocery store today if I was going to see my therapist later. I feel like a horrible horrible horrible person. I see no point in doing anything, except that I need to.

I haven't actually had clinical depression, but I have had some devastating events happen, which has given me that deep despair feeling. Luckily for me I had my kids to jolt me out of it. But there were days and mornings that I really felt like I was carrying a cement block on my back. What I did on those days was go into what I call 'robot mode'. I make a list of things in order of importance and I just do it. Get a garbage bag and dump everything that's garbage into the bag and throw it out. Then plan some meals and make a list of what you need.

You're right it's way too expensive to order in. I haven't bought a pizza in a year. I personally can't afford it ,so a nice man we know sells us the dough very cheaply - I save myself $20 and it taste a 100 times better. Even if things impriove financially, I will never order pizza again.

I remind myself of the Nike ad where they say 'just do it' and then I get going. You'll feel much better when you come home and you can put it all in a clear fridge. How about you do that right now and PM me when you're done? Best of luck.

But first I have to get dressed. And I just feel like if I don't do anything and am miserable, maybe I just deserve it... but that's selfish, I know. But I'm alone, I'll probably lose my job in a few months because of the economy (almost certain). I just wish I would die sometimes.

I don't think you deserve to be miserable and I really don't think you are selfish. I too rely on having a t appointment to force myself to do things (ie I tell myself I "have" to do them before the appointment..otherwise I would be too depressed to do them.) I like what lynn P. suggested - would you come back and post after you completed an item off your to do list, and then again after the second, if you got another one done as well?

I got dressed... don't know if I can manage going out or not. I feel like I'm going to cry at the thought of going out, and I feel like I'm going to cry at the thought of not going out.

I am so there with you lilac... we are stuck and while we know we need to get unstuck there is some safety in asking nothing of ourselves. Still we know from experience and from how we feel this minute that we are feeling worse not better for staying stuck.

I am encouraged by Lynn and Thimble's suggestions. How about you? I just made a little to do list for myself. Shower, wash the dishes, take meat out for dinner, make some lunch and go for a walk with the dog. I know I will feel better for the effort.

Will be pulling for you to 'just do it' and make that first step too. It really is in our hands Lilac. The point in taking the step is that we know we can't afford not to. One bad day can turn into two (I am actually on my second) and two into three. Lets not go there. Ya with me.... lets go for it with the help of our friends here.

Showers are good medicine.... good place to start.

Ya beat me to it! Good on you. Maybe you can clean out the fridge first.

That's good you got dressed. I looked on your profile because I wanted to learn more about whether you have any anxiety or panic attacks because that makes it hard to go out. Do you have any of that or you're just sad? Please don't feel like you want to die - you deserve to live a full life. Do you have a friend who could go with you? Can you make a list now? Don't worry about your job, you might not lose it. It doesn't help to think pessimistically.

You deserve to feel good and I think you'll feel an accomplishment if you succeed and go grocery shopping. If you don't feel like taking a shower, just put on hat. You know what I like about grocery shopping is finding things on sale. I look at the flyers and plan my meals around what's on sale - I love saving money. What do you think - can you go??

Good work Lilac! I see nothing wrong with shedding tears while throwing out some rotten food from the fridge...I find after a good cry (sometimes it is for longer times than others) that I do feel better....often more tired granted, but a little better. And the rotten food won't mind some salty tears on it as it hits the garbage can. No need to clean out the whole fridge now - are there some things at the front that are easy tosses - ie no need to smell 'em, eball them or assess whether you want to keep them? What about throwing away the "easy" things first? Do you feel up for that?

See you have 3 people cheering for you now. I find if I don't have my list I'm lost at the store. Or what bugs me, is I'll make a list and forget it on the table

Lilac,
I'm sorry that your therapist had to cancel. I have days when I just stay in my pj's. Its hard to push yourself. and you should give yourself a good pat on the back for doing the fridge thing. For me, cleaning a fridge out is a mammouth task, so you'd doing really well. well done.

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

(((((((((((lilacbutterfly)))))))))))

Hey there Lilacbutterfly - just checking in to see how you're doing. I was hoping that with the posters encouraging you, it might help with motivation. Sometimes when we know someone's expecting us to do something we can muster the strength do it. But I also want you to know, it's perfectly fine also, if you just couldn't do it.Sending you good thoughts and vibrations ((Lilac))

I agree wholeheartedly - there is only support here, not pressure.

No horrible person, right? I see an unlucky person with a serious problem, who deserves to improve a lot! How does that sound? I hope reasonable.

Sanityseeker - hope you hung in throughout the day too and that you managed to get the dog out for a walk - I'm sure the little furbeast helped to cheer you up.

Thank you all. My therapist called and he said it was ok to just not do anything today... I have an extraordinarily stressful job bordering on traumatic and he said any person would be struggling right now and that it's ok to baby myself and not do anything.

Lilac.... How sweet of him to give you a call. It must feel really good to have someone like that who knows exactly what you are going through and can affirm for you what is the best thing for you to do at this time. I hope you feel more rested and calm and that your weekend continues to be re-energizing for you.

As for me it was time to get some movement happening so I want to thank you for letting me piggy back off your thread. It motivating me to take action for myself so it looks like we both were gifted with kindness today.

Thank you too Thimble.... While I did have to take frequent rests between ticking off my to do list I feel better for the effort. The dog is a jack russell and was well overdo for a walk so it was really more like a pull. He sure is strong for a little guy. It was fun to watch him run around when I finally let him off the leash to run around the park while I enjoyed a peaceful swing in the cool winter air.

Blessing to all as we journey forward no matter what.

Thanks for checking in with us ((Lilac)). I had no idea you deal with a very stressful job. This adds a whole new dimension and I also support your Pdoc's advice that it's fine and necessary to take it easy and do 'nothing'. I've had days where I barely do anything and I feel I earn that right. Those do nothing days help to regenerate you and you need them. By all means take it easy and listen to your body.