Thanks Pdoc

Last week was my monthly visit to the pdoc for my monthly scripts. We had the usual monthly conversations....how's the family, is Matt's dad doing ok, any new meds.....

I asked him one simple question: Why is it so important for me to remain alive when I cannot find a reason?

What about you children, what about your grant children, what about your dad?

Perhaps it is because yes we are family but no we are not. They have lives of their own.

None of my family has lived within traveling distance of each other for most of our lives. As a military family we were sent from one place to another. Sometimes you lived in the same house for 5/6 years the pack up and head to the next generation. My father, my oldest son, my youngest son, and my oldest grandson are members of the US Navy. We know of no other way to live. While I'm fairly sure we all have feelings for each other, I have trouble saying we are a family.

I just can't rationalize why it is so important that I live. I have nothing to live for. My memory loss is getting worse. I can't spell or type very well any more. My family gets upset when I can't remember family things that are so important. Its like someone saying your dumb, stop acting like that.

I'm so tired of life. I guess it really isn't "life", it just living.

kebs

Hi ((Kebsfroggy)) - I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Pardon me for asking, but I don't know you very well - have you asked your doctor about the memory problem?? I'm not the best typer either - I just spelled your name 'Kebs groggy' instead of 'froggy' LOL. I have a very good link for when you're feeling like you described. I think as women we associate ourselves with raising our children and when they grow up and move away, we're faced with 'what do we do now'? It's wonderful to feel you live for others but you also have to live for yourself. Do you have a hobbies or have you thought about volunteering? I know sometimes people get tired and discouraged, but we have to be patient and keep going. Life is a journey and yes sometimes it's painful but you deserve to live.

((((kegsfroggy))))

Kebs, your doubt is legitimate in your situation. Personally, I am glad you are here :-)
I dont mean to be reason enough for you to live I hope you will some good answer to your question.

HUGS!

"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked." ~Viktor Frankl

May I suggest your perspective must change? What do you value? What is important to have as a part of your life? What can you do to make a more meaningful life?

Life is a participatory activity. We make choices. We may choose to bemoan our circumstances, or, we may choose to live more meaningfully.

Good luck.

(((((((((((((((( kebs ))))))))))))))))))

(((((kebsfroggy)))))
Is you pdoc talking to you about changing meds or dosage? I'm so sorry you feel this way. I have been there. I agree with Byz. It is about finding something that makes it worthwhile for you. Living for someone else isn't the answer. You have to live for yourself. Can you think of something to look forward to in your future? Some activity you have planned. That is how I get through my dark periods.

Kebsfroggy...the others are right..you have to live for yourself not ONLY for others. You are important !

Service has a way of sucking the life out of one's existence. In your case, it has long bled you. Age and decay render you “out of specifications.” You long to bid Fair Winds and Following Seas to the family issued you and go on into Retirement.

I can't blame you. I have no idea what keeps me going now that I've outlived my usefulness. A quick end would have been preferable to this lingering one.

Speaking only for myself, mine is not to reason why; mine is but to wait on those PCA/PCS orders, which I will inevitably obey When the Time Comes.

Can your pdoc appreciate your background?

KEBS

Keb, I have to second both the Byz and Rohag. I long ago decided that God was determined I should be here, and that I had better find out what to do with myself while I am. In short, I said, "Fine, YOU and me, lets make a meaning for this wierd little life, then." Since then, the meaning has changed, but there has always been one. Soemtimes I haven't been able to see it for all the interference form my bipolar disorder, but it is there.
At the root of it is, like Rohag, I'll demob when the orders come. Until then, I'll stick it out where I'm posted and see what comes my way. Most of the time, starts out boring, but then it livens up....Huggs dear, and I am so sorry that you feel so drained and alone.

Thanks for all your good advice.

I'm not sure I can make you understand. I'm a frog of little brain. Actually you could say I'm a frog before and a frog after. The life I had before 2005 and the person who walked through the door of her home one day and had no idea who I was or why I was there.

How do I explain, everything was gone.

I recognized the people but could not remember their name. I knew I was in what was called my home but knew where nothing was. My routine for months was wake up, take pills, watch tv (later learned how to turn on the puter) when it got dark I took more pills and went to bed.

Slowly, gradually for what seemed another life time I learned to spell, read and write. At first I had to use a dictionary for most of the words. Things aren't much better now. The words I think are not those I write/type.

Later I learned to wash my clothes, and make food to eat. Much later on I learned to drive but not far. I don't need to drag this on any further.

What hurts the most, I have a grown son who I don't know. When I see him in a photo I recognize him. I remember nothing of his childhood. I don't know the things he likes or dislikes. He married his school sweet heart 2 years ago. I didn't know her even though they have been friends since 8th grade.

I found pc purely by chance and have made friends here.

Sorry. This has become much too wordy. I apologize for taking your time.

kebs

Hi Kebs - I thought green would be a good color for a frog LOL. What caused this memory loss - stroke, alzheimers?? I hope I'm not being nosey, I'm just interested in understanding.

That is ok I don't mind that you asked. I'm not sure I can actually give you an answer. I can give you my opinion of what happened.

In 2005 (I'm not exactly sure when or for how long) I underwent ECT treatments. At first the treatments was three times a week. Then it was reduced to twice a week. For two weeks before and for the first part of my treatments I was in my local mental resort. I continued my treatments after I was released from the resort.

But it wasn't the treatments per say. Since 2001 I have been treated for major depressive disorder. At any one time I was taking 7-8 meds once or twice a day. I probably had close to 70 different combinations of drugs overall. I don't remember the combination I was on at the time of the ECT therapy.

In my opinion the combination of medications plus the treatments was the major part of the magic potion.

The kicker... In the fall of 2005 hurricane Wilma made a beeline for my home. Unfortunately I was stuck in AZ for 2 weeks after the hurricane hit because the airport was closed. The wind in a hurricane blows away every it can. No street signs, no stop lights, no poles to put them on. No trees, no roofs and no buildings not strong enough to withstand the wind.

I came home to a landscape that was totally destroyed.

I think the combination was just too much for my mind to assimilate.

Things were improving up until lately. But I beginning moving backward and changes in meds are not helping. Pdoc wants me to contact a collage research center near by to see if they can help. The biggest problem in the past is the if my insurance won't help pay I can't participate in any research program.

Guess I've over explained once again but once you get me started.....


kebs

Thank you so much for explaining everything Kebsfroggy, I appreciate that. You really have been through alot. I sure hope your insurance company finally agrees to let you go to the research program.

Kebs, you didn't over explain. You did a great job clarifying where you are. I think that's the best job I've seen you do in explaining your theory for what happened, and I even learned something in the process. You may be doing better than you think you are.

As always, you are in my thoughts with much fondness. Take good care of yourself, my friend.

Thanks Kebs. It helps me understand a lot better. I understand that this type of thing has a way of ripping up relations and family. How are you and your son doing now? Even if it is impossible to redo those early years, can you be at least firends now? I am so sorry for your pain, and I am sorry if my ignorance distressed you. HUGGSSSS.