Stagnant and Apathetic

To quote Jim Morrison, I've been down so ---damn long, that it looks like up to me.

I've been trying to fix things. I admit, I haven't been trying hard enough and I've taken a few steps backwards. I started taking lexapro, and I didn't stick with it. I scheduled a therapist appointment and canceled it at the last minute. I keep telling myself it's all in my head, I can beat it. I tell myself if I can't conquer my own mind, how will I ever survive in the real world. I beat myself up for being weak on the inside which only makes it worse. I go through the motions, wake up, shower, hop on my computer and look for work. I've been running more lately and trying to hit the gym more often. None of it is really making a difference though. None of it gives me any joy. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or really took an interest in something. I'm doing these things because other people tell me it will help and make me feel better, but I realize now that it's really not.

I thought that I had been doing better recently. I thought I was feeling better about myself. But that's not it, I'm just settling into this stagnant worthless lifestyle. The longer I've been unemployed, single and for the most part friendless, the easier it is for me to accept it. I don't WANT this, but I can't stop it. I just keep feeding into it. Everytime I turn on the TV it's a story about the unemployment rate, soaring deficit, college grads working at burger king because they can't find a job in their field. Seeing it just makes me say to myself "if someone with those credentials can't find work you're really screwed". Everywhere I look it just seems like a dead end. So I crawl back into my shell and cross my fingers hoping for a miracle that will never come.

I know I need to start therapy, and I know I need to stick with meds. I'm too proud, I look at myself as weak and insignificant for having to rely on pills and a person that will analyze my pathetic existance and nod his head and basically say "Yep, you are pretty screwed up". But I need it, I know I need it I just don't want to do it. Part of me believes if I find work this will all go away but deep down I know even when I was working, had a girlfriend and was going out very often, I was still pretty empty inside. Honestly for years I've just felt unfulfilled and unhappy, I've just learned how to deal with it I guess. I'm contently miserable and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want that to define my life.

I've also self medicated a few times recently. It's incredibly stupid, and I hadn't done it in a long time, but I bought some weed the other day and yeah, my mind was "clear" for a few hours. Obviously by clear I mean non-existant. I'm not going to continue that, I already feel like an idiot for doing it I can't keep going with it. Just wanted some sort of release, some sort of freedom. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, but I won't be doing it anymore.

I know this is just another one of my pointless rant posts. I know it's not gonna change anything but I had to write something. I want to make a promise to myself that I'll stick with the therapy and meds but I don't know if I can keep it. It feels like that's the only missing piece to the puzzle but I just don't want to do it. I dunno.

Have you tried yoga?







Hi A Long Ways,
since you said you haven't genuinely smiled I thought I would try to make you laugh. I think you should go back to your doctor and either go back on the same medicine or try a new one. It's not a weakness to take pills - depression is a sickness like any other illness and we don't mind taking pills for that - right? It's good you're exercising and going to the gym - do you think you could get a job at the gym? I know what you mean about not enough joy in your life. I'm a mom raising 2 girls and sometimes it feels like the same old daily routine and time just flies by. I don't think you should watch the news it can be depressing. Times are really tough and all we can do is keep going and doing our best. Do you have any real passions or hobbies- something that really interests you? I know I didn't provide you with any real ideas but I just wanted you to know I saw your post. BTW I like to watch funny shows, movies or clips - nothing like a good belly laugh to perk you up. I hope you get relief soon and find some joy.

The dog definately got a smile out of me

I don't think I can get a job at the gym, I'm not really one of those "hardcore" people, it's pretty casual, 2-3 times a week at most. I do have some passions, I love writing, I am intensely interested in the cosmos and astronomy. I'm an animal lover too. I am pretty active in all of those activities, just don't know how I can make it a group activity. I looked for some local astonomy clubs and only found one, guess it's not as popular around here as some other areas. I know I need to get into therapy, it's just... I have like this mental block when I start to think about it :/ Hard to describe. I'm also a terrible procrastinator.

Thanks for the reply, and the dog :P

Thanks for the reply. Do you have any animals?

Yep, 3 cats. I started with just one, then noticed how lonely he was during the day and got him a buddy. The third I adopted on a whym at a fair :P I couldn't have a dog in my old apartment or I would've had one. It's been kinda crazy back home with them because my mother has 2 cats also. Luckily the house is big enough for them all to have their space. Bella looks like quite a curious little critter

Yes Bella is always the topic of conversation here at PC. She's a mix of Cavalier King Charles and Miniature Shetland. She smart - knows about 15 commands, but even though she's almost 2, she still tries to eat things she's not supposed to. Just yesterday she ate a 1" piece of cereal bar wrapper, but it stuck in her throat and she coughed it up - isn't that a detail you didn't want to know? The laundry room has to stay closed, otherwise she turns into the lowly 'sock bandit'. She even has a thread devoted just for her titled 'My Dog Ate A Muffin Wrapper'. She quite the celebrity around here. Have a good night or should I say, morning. I hope you feel better.

Make the promise about the therapy. What have you got to lose? If you are not ready and stop therapy, you can have all your misery back.

I have nothing to lose except feeling like this, I agree. I hate it, woke up this morning and just wanted to crawl back in bed and feel bad. All logical thinking says "You have a problem and a way to fix it, so do it". It's like I don't have control over my mind. I'm gonna call and try to reschedule on monday, I just can't keep living like this. I wouldn't even really call it living. I hate feeling like this.

Good for you. We are rooting for you.

Appointment is set. Saturday at noon. Wish it was a bit sooner, but it's only a few days I can hold it together till then. I'm a bit anxious about it, but I guess that's normal. Hoping this goes well, because his office is very close to me and his prices are reasonable (since I don't have insurance).

A Long Ways,

I'm going to be cheering for you and waiting to hear how it goes for you as I have the same problem. I know I need to go for therapy, but cannot make myself pick up the phone to make the call. When I think I could call, it is after office hours, so I tell myself I will call tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I CANNOT make myself call. Not sure what I'm scared of, but I need to get over it.

P.S. I've had fairly good luck with SAM-e. It is an over-the-counter product that is usually found near the vitamins in stores. It may not work for everyone, but seems to provide at least partial relief for me.

Good luck to you on Saturday, I'll be cheering for you! Let me know how it goes.

A Long Ways,

That is an incredible step that you had set up the appt. you will get the help you need, if it's meds, then you can come to that determination together with the doctor. I see you are in New York,,,, ready for the snow coming. Perhaps you can take a walk in the snow, and think about all the stuff you want to talk to the T about, perhaps write a list too. sometimes there's so much stuff going on that you seem to forget when you get in there. sending good vibes your way.

Slowinmi, That's the same way I am. I kept saying "tomorrow I'll call" but tomorrow never came. I guess I finally just became uncomfortable enough with the way I am living to try to take a step towards fixing it. I've never heard of SAM-e before, gonna google it and see what I can find about it.

Amante, thanks. I don't know if I'd call it incredible myself, more like "it's about time" :P I am a writer in my heart, and have already written so many lists, poems, hell I've basically written a short story to sum up my life hehe. I will bring at least one of these with me as a guideline for my first session. Yeah I'm in NY, but definately don't plan on going anywhere today, got all the shopping I could've needed done yesterday when they were saying how bad this storm was gonna be. I'm in a bit of physical pain too and I think a spill in the snow would be pretty bad at the moment. Thanks for the good vibes

Good for you for making the doctors appointment A Long Ways. I hope all goes well for you.