[neri]

The dishes are growing mould in the kitchen. The glasses have been soaking in the same water for weeks. Yesterday the sink blocked up. How does one even imagine cleaning it up? Maybe I could hire a cleaner, just for a day. But how could I let anyone see that this is how I live? Messiness of my home stresses me. Still I just can’t clean, I just want to sleep.

My dog stares me with blame in her eyes. Like she was saying “I could have had a better home, and a better owner. Instead I got you”. She has to sleep on the bed now, even though it’s too hot for her. There is so much trash on the floor that it has to be uncomfortable to sleep there. Again I’m apologizing her, and crying my quilt for being like this.

I disgust myself. I fight with my hair and skin. I always feel so dirty. I basically eat nothing but chips, just enough to stop feeling hungry. If I feel very weak I may buy a sandwich or something. No wonder I’m fat. I’m so incredibly stupid and rash, that I can never think about the consequences of my actions. They are always bad, often definite and without exception irrevocable. I regret and mentally punish myself. I can never forget how stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting and repulsive I am.

I have never been able to resist temptations. I steal and I lie. I’m a bad person.

But this is how life is? Isn’t it? At least this is all I know. I don’t remember being happy. Like, genuinely, not just because of a drug. I’m so angry that no one helped me when I was a child and wanted to die. Why did no one notice? A child isn’t supposed to understand that it isn’t “normal” to want to kill yourself, right? I’ve been told that I have always been a little “weird”, that I spent time by myself. That I didn’t like hugs. That I thought about stuff a lot and when I told about them to mom and my siblings, they didn’t understand what I was babbling about. Maybe that was the time I learned not to talk about my stuff. I’m usually quick these kind of things. Maybe that’s why they didn’t notice; maybe I was faulty from the beginning. I’m sure I could’ve been helped as a child, and now I hate my parents for not doing that.

My mind tells me I’m a coward. Lazy and bitter. “It’s so easy to blame the parents, when you’re the one that’s flawed. Take some responsibility. Be an adult”. That’s the way it is… My brother and sister are okay, so there isn’t something wrong with our parents. It’s me. I’m the one to blame, I always am.

[amdx64]

I know this sounds worthless to try but set goals, we all hear this, but dont try to clean it all at once, like yourself dont try it all at once .. i would to be lazy.

reward yourself for doing dishes .. then set next goal and reward yourself. Youll find once its all done if you do a little here and there wont be a next time and rewarding yourself can be set for other things like if you want to lose weight..

rewards can be new hairstyle or cloths and things.

[Miss_A]

{{{{{{neri}}}}}}}
I can totally relate. Your not the stuff you say you are. Your kind, loyal, true, pretty, wise and really nice! You just don't see it yet. My parents don't understand me at all. I asked my mum how she would feel if I died, she said she would feel very upset. But that's not the point! My room is still a mess and I will have to face up to cleaning it at some point. Like to listen to music as it makes everything seem quicker. I'm sure your dog is happy that he's with you. Lucky he's not alone on the streets. Keep on going...

[dayzee9]

((((((((((((((hey Neri! ))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't beat up on yourself! I've "been around here" to know that Miss A summed you up pretty damn good! I've seen you post wonderful feedback to others.......give yourself a break & cut the slack for awhile, eh?

I think that amdx64 has the right idea....one I should apply to myself! My very small apt., is so dirty that it turns my stomach when I CAN SEE IT w/o my contacts in! It's REALLY filthy!! But I cannot conquer it all at once....I have to follow amdx64 advice; set goals (baby steps) & have a reasonable reward when you get something accomplished...

I know the overwhelming feeling quite (too much) well....I sit down, light a cigarette & say "After this cig, I'm going to do..........." and I just can't do it. The result a revoltingly apt.

Wanna buddy-system? 1 thing a day & list reward; I'll do it w/ you!

Whadda say, Neri?? WE CAN SUCCEED!!!

Peace, DAYZEE9

[darkeyes]

I don't think you are the things you just said, like lazy, coward, and bitter. I just feel that the depression has gotten a hold on you, big time, and I know that stinks.
Depression can be so debilitating, zapping one of all energies, mental and physical.
Have you had a physical lately? If not and you can get an appt. it may not hurt to have a physical, even some blood tests, one that stands out to me is thyroid function.
Hypothyroidism (sluggish thyroid) can really make a person feel so miserable, with so many symptoms, and depressed.
If you haven't seen a mental health professional, and your physical turns out okay, seeing a therapist may help you get to the core of this.
Please realize, you are not a bad or weak person, it is the damn depression robbing you of all energies.
Take care of yourself,

DE

(((((((((((((((( neri ))))))))))))))))

[(JD)]

sorry ((((ner))) I am too depressed myself to read through thewhole thread... as for the cleaning help? Don't feel bad, and call for help! Even 2 hours can be amazing! Most ppl do feel they need to tidy up before the housekeeper comes, believe me though, it's not necessary. They are ppl you are hiring to do a service. It's none of their business how it is or how it got that way! Do this for yourself if you can. It's worth it when they're gone and the place feels cleaner. TC