is there really a light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm so tired of waking up it isnt funny...I have been in this black hole since Sept '08 going through my divorce...I have no job...I don't know who owns my home anymore since I have no money for the mortgage payments...my 14 yr old son only likes me half of the time especially since I can't buy him all the high tech expensive gadgets anymore...I take online surveys to keep the utilities on...I hate going outside, even to get the mail...I have no family here besides an alcoholic sister and mom's got Alzheimers, but before that we weren't close anyways...I have no one whom I can call my true friend, just acquaintances, last "friend" I had was a yr and a half ago and she said the guy I was interested in at that time tried to sleep with her...I hate the state I'm in, I was supposed to move but financial matters fell through...I'm supposed to be taking Lexapro but stopped cold turkey, I'm ready to stop seeing my therapist too because I don't feel I can really be a 100% honest about all my thoughts and feelings...on the flipside there are 3 positives that I have and that's I'm on the Dean's list at my college...I dream of having my own bakery after graduation...and there's a guy I like even though he's about 5 states away, I do envision us meeting face to face!! But all my negatives are so outweighing the positives to the point I'm really feeling that there is no light at the end of my tunnel......

((((sdcg76))))

Thank you for posting. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I hear you and I care. I do know that feeling and many times moving is too much. I hope you will talk to your doc about quitting cold turkey your meds. That can cause thoughts and things to feel even worse. Please talk to him/her. As far as t goes, there are so many times I do not want to go anymore. But that is when you need to be there the most. When things seem like they just cannot get any worse, is when we need to push a little harder to get over that hump.

I know this is hard as I have been there so many times even recently. You are important and worth going and being heard. Telling how you really feel is hard. It is opening yourself to being totally vulnerable and not knowing what will happen. I do understand. And I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that I care and I am hearing what you are saying. Been there so many times that reading your post it touched my heart.

Please know that you can write to me anytime. I will listen and write back. I will be your friend. I know those dark times, the feeling of no one being there, the thought that you are alone. I am sorry that your friend did that to you.

I hope you will keep posting and reaching. I am glad that you have three positives. Those are things that you can hang onto when the darkness comes. Being on the deans list is great. Something to really be proud of. Know that you are not alone. Please let us know how you are doing. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

sdcg76,

Welcome to PC. It sounds as if you are suffering from major depression and you may want to consider removing some things from your plate to make things clearer to you so that you can start to progress again.

First, I would talk to your lawyer and find out whether you can get your Ex to pay some of these bills so that you don't have this hanging over your head day in and day out.

As far as your child, I would sit him down and explain to him that you are having some emotional difficulties right now and you really need his support. It sounds like you and your sister weren't close, so you don't want that to happen to you and your child. You need him and he certainly needs you. I find that sometimes when I'm depressed that hanging around my two teenagers is helpful.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but only with therapy and meds, unfortunately. You must know...YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! You need to start building a network of people who care, even if it's online. And you really need to talk to your therapist. Finally, big mistake to stop Lexapro cold turkey! Lexapro must be weaned and it can cause an immediate relapse if quit like that...I know I tried it before. I'm on Lex also.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. PM anytime if you need someone to talk to. Please take care of yourself...

On the Dean's list, and you have a dream. That shows that the core of you is working perfectly and its just the current crap that's messing things up. Might be a good idea for a while to try to find another T, someone you like, and if the Lexapro worked before, try that again. Family stuff can sometimes be fixed, other times, its best to not spend tons of time on something that can't change, you know? Life can sometimes feel like its working against every positive thing your trying to do. Don't give up. Tell us more about your "friend", that seems to be a potential positive.

No new posts...how are you doing?

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciated them! Truth be told I do like my T, I just lately haven't really felt like being totally honest with ALL my feelings...I tell him about all the bad stuff but not all the good stuff...like my friend...honestly I don't talk about him to anyone anymore since I got tired of people calling me dumb, stupid and crazy for liking him...no as I've said we have never met yet and no we don't chat every sinngle day, however I consider him my friend because he's never made empty promises to me like my other "friends", especially guys...he always tells me not to give up...haven't talked to him in awhile because his computer crashed and it has to be replaced and he's not a tech savvy guy so it's going to take forever for him to get used to new one...lol...really missing him...but I know he'll be back...see that's where I'm crazy, stupid and dumb because as my "loving" sister always says I need a man ANY man...don't want ANY man, I want him...I can talk to him about everything...he doesn't just see me as a piece of *****...he listens to me when I talk about graduating and opening my own business...if I say I got a "B" in one of my courses he says better get an "A" next time...ok I'm going on and on I know but he is a shining light my life at the moment...no I'm not in love with him since I don't know him enough, it's not an obsession either, but thinking about him and looking at his picture makes me smile which is very rare for me these days...my main priority in life for the past 14 years has been my son and it still is even though he can't stand me at this moment, more like EVERYDAY, after that my main thing is my school and graduating to open my bakery!!!! I'm so happy about that, yet so sad because my son could care less, he even told me he doesn't want to go to my graduation (Feb 2011). Tried to explain I'm not only doing this for me but him too...so I just do the best I can as far as he goes and then I think of my friend being at graduation...then I beat myself up and tell myself shame on me I must be a terrible mom...maybe I am...

Hello, sdcg76. Too bad your son does not appreciate how hard you are working to make a better life for both of you.

You are an important person. I commend your for your efforts. May your dream come true.