[justfloating]

What is normal? How do we know when we're well? I've been unwell for so long that I'm not sure I remember what it means to be healthy. I have no idea whether my emotions are within the spectrum of normalcy, are a result of or are impacted by my illness. I am incapable of feeling any degree of sadness, anger or simple frustration without wondering whether I'm REALLY feeling it, or if it's just my illness dictating my reactions for me. When people ask, I don't know what to tell them. The last couple of people I've had to tell about my depression, I said something along the lines of "It was a serious problem, but I'm doing fine now." I wish I knew if I was telling the truth, or trying to downplay an illness that is entirely capable of wiping me out at any minute. Living in fear of depression's return ... is that normal, or another symptom? Maybe it's like when you get a new car, and suddenly you start seeing that car everywhere. It's not that everybody else has suddenly gone out and bought the same car, you just never noticed them on the road before. Will I ever be able to feel something without wondering whether my depression is involved?

[garden]

Justfloating. I can't answer the normal part but I think I know the feeling you describe. I know what normal is to me and it has been kind of strange - but me. Sometimes we are in a place to protect ourselves. This seems where you are now.
Why do you need to explain to anyone? Could it be you are doing your best to keep the feeling from rising?

[idontknow13]

(((((((justfloating)))))

[theave]

Originally Posted by justfloating

What is normal? How do we know when we're well? I've been unwell for so long that I'm not sure I remember what it means to be healthy. I have no idea whether my emotions are within the spectrum of normalcy, are a result of or are impacted by my illness. I am incapable of feeling any degree of sadness, anger or simple frustration without wondering whether I'm REALLY feeling it, or if it's just my illness dictating my reactions for me. When people ask, I don't know what to tell them. The last couple of people I've had to tell about my depression, I said something along the lines of "It was a serious problem, but I'm doing fine now." I wish I knew if I was telling the truth, or trying to downplay an illness that is entirely capable of wiping me out at any minute. Living in fear of depression's return ... is that normal, or another symptom? Maybe it's like when you get a new car, and suddenly you start seeing that car everywhere. It's not that everybody else has suddenly gone out and bought the same car, you just never noticed them on the road before. Will I ever be able to feel something without wondering whether my depression is involved?

That's a really tricky question, and one I've been pondering a bit lately too - I have felt so much better in the last couple of months, and I think things are beginning to shift so that I don't think of depression immediately when I feel anything. It still seems strange not to have depression as a reference point, though - but I reckon if I presented myself now to a doctor with no history I wouldn't be diagnosed as depressed.

When I was in the UK, I think there was a lot of fear connected with getting better - firstly, I couldn't see the possibility of a future that included me in it, so wasn't very well, I guess - but I had some good support and feared that getting better would mean that the support that had helped me get to that point would be withdrawn. So, apart from generally feeling better now, I also feel more in control as I can choose when and if I stop seeing my therapist.

I think it takes time to allow yourself to get used to feeling better, and to see some emotions as in the normal range. I suppose it's a case of building up some positive experiences that you can go to (subconsciously) "I've felt this before and it turned out ok" as opposed to how things were during depression: "I feel sad / depressed / angry, and I deserve to feel like this because I am a bad person, bad things should happen to me".

Don't know if this makes any sense but I am trying to pick my way through this too

[BashfullOne]

JustFloating - I've felt sort of "numb" for the last couple of weeks - I feel nothing. I'm not happy, not sad, not depressed, just plain numb. Not caring much about anything - but I managed to function though out the days. I cleaned house, but not to the extent I use to. I sitll don't do my favorite things - reading, writing, crocheting, or scrapbooking. I've hardely done anything for my self for months.... I know when I'm depressed, sad, and happy. But right now I'm not of those things. Thats a good question - is this now my "normal"?
You're not alone... But I don't have to explain these feelings to anyone - but I do share them with my loved ones (husband and sons). My thoughts are with you and I hope you feel better soon.

[yutzman]

I know the feeling.....Every time I see the Psych (weekly for now) I have to dredge up all symptoms I've had the past week for evaluation and sometimes I get lost in the 'what to include' or 'exclude'. The white areas seem gray and the gray areas seem white....and it all goes round and round.....I get lost myself sometimes...and come out of her office thinking 'did I real get anything accomplished'?......But I made it through another week so I guess something went right.....so, for now, I just take it a day or week at a time and hope things stay right.............Good Luck...Y

Originally Posted by justfloating

What is normal? How do we know when we're well? I've been unwell for so long that I'm not sure I remember what it means to be healthy. I have no idea whether my emotions are within the spectrum of normalcy, are a result of or are impacted by my illness. I am incapable of feeling any degree of sadness, anger or simple frustration without wondering whether I'm REALLY feeling it, or if it's just my illness dictating my reactions for me.

I also frequently wonder the same thing. I've been chasing 'normality' for so long now, that I can't even remember how what I'm searching for feels!! It's exhausting! Going round and round in my head.

Originally Posted by justfloating

When people ask, I don't know what to tell them. The last couple of people I've had to tell about my depression, I said something along the lines of "It was a serious problem, but I'm doing fine now." I wish I knew if I was telling the truth, or trying to downplay an illness that is entirely capable of wiping me out at any minute.

I also downplay my depression. I hide behind this mask of normality (whatever that is! lol) and apparently it's quite convincing - my mother (who I live with and who sees me all the time) said to me the other day after I said something "Oh, are you still depressed then?!" But I guess it's my own fault for wearing the mask... I think if nobody else thinks I'm depressed then I can't really be depressed...and yet I don't feel any better...but does it really matter...?? I don't know what the answer to that is, still working on it.

I hope you have someone you can talk to eg good friends, T etc. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you, but maybe knowing that you're not alone might help in some small way

Take care justfloating

*Willow*

For me the question is not whether we are normal again, are healed or have recovered. The question is one of functionality.

We were diagnosed with depression because of the symptoms we presented, like:

* difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
* fatigue and decreased energy
* feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
* feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
* insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
* irritability, restlessness
* loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
* overeating or appetite loss
* persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
* persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
* thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

The more symptoms we no longer exhibit, at least theoretically, the more emotionally healthy we should be. In other words, we should be able to function at a higher level and lead a more enjoyable life.

An important key is how well we handle change and the bumps in the road. If we are unable to deal with change very well, more symptoms of depression may appear. We once again must work our way back to a higher level of functioning.

In my mind, our mental health, like life itself, will always be a work in process.