[theave]

I'm looking to pick your collective brains if I may. I have been feeling better the last couple of months and it has felt that the depression is finally lifting. But this last week I've been more on edge, feeling agitated and just not so great. A couple of times I have thought I've heard some music that hasn't been there, but that hasn't bothered me too much - it's been a pretty fleeting sensation. But a couple of times this week I have woken very soon after falling asleep, and have been very disorientated, I find it hard to move physically and to work out what's going on. The first time, I thought my daughter was there and I spoke to her before I realised there was no-one there. Last night, I can't quite put my finger on what I thought was happening, but I was scared, my heart was pounding. Reminds me of a recurrent nightmare when I was a child - where the bed would get bigger and bigger, and I would get smaller and smaller, and less able to move - I know, that doesn't sound very frightening, does it? - but for some reason it was pretty scary.

So - does anyone have any ideas about this? It feels quite dream-like - and the fact that I can't quite remember it clearly seems to support that - but it also feels that I am awake. It reminds me a little of depersonalisation, which has happened a few times when I was very low, but not very often and not for a long time now.

I have been reducing one of my meds over the last few months, and have gone from 200mg amitriptyline to 50mg; at the same time, I have introduced bupropion (wellbutrin) and am taking 450mg. I do wonder whether, having reduced the sedating AD, the dose of bupropion is now too high and is contributing to some odd things happening.

If anyone has any ideas or experiences to share, that would be great. Thanks.

[claygenius]

Hey there,
I can't answer you specifically because these meds affect people so differently. However, I would say you need to talk to you doctor. It sounds like you are having a sleep disturbance that can be caused by medication or other health problems. The feelings of being half awake and half asleep (and not being able to move) are actually common when your brain doesn't wake up in the correct order. Definitely wouldn't stress out about it, but at the same time you need to talk to the doc as it isn't fun to experience it and maybe he/she can figure out what is causing it.

Take care

[theave]

Thanks - I will see how it goes and if it happens again. I'm not due to see my psychiatrist for another 6 weeks or so, but I can email and ask (though it does make me feel really stupid, but that's just me I guess).

How are you?

Something is amiss. Good luck in getting it resolved.

[theave]

Thank you. It is bothering me a fair bit, I think - not always good at acknowledging feelings. I feel that I have been shutting the door on depression recently and it seems hard - I think I am scared of letting go of it altogether, partly because I think still that I deserve to feel bad (and therefore feeling good is nice but is unlikely to last) and partly because I have now said to some people how much better I feel, and it would feel humiliating to have to say that I don't feel so good still. And there is no reason for it - which, tbh, has always been my sticking point with depression. There is no major trauma in my life, I had a good childhood, I have a loving family - so it seems so self-indulgent to think there's anything in me that can or should be fixed. I read some other posts here and it breaks my heart to read what others have gone through.

I wonder at times why I ever went along with taking meds and seeking help - has it all been some kind of indulgent attention-seeking on my part? Did I quite like the idea of being depressed, that it would give me the excuse not to do things I didn't want to do? I don't know. When I am ok, I can sometimes accept that I have been ill, but more often I see it as a personal weakness. And now I am feeling weak because I feel myself sliding but don't know what to do. Perhaps that's the key - I've never really been sure what caused depression in the first place (yes, there were stressors in my life at the time but nothing particularly bad) and I am not sure what has helped me to get better, so I don't know what to do to stop the process.

Sorry, trying to think aloud.

I agree with what others have said - you should contact your Dr about this as it could be the meds, or tied to your worsening depression, or a normal hallucination-type feeling around sleep (totally normal - don't freak out at the word 'hallucination'!), or any number of things. I'm sure getting your Dr's take on this will at least reduce your anxiety about it, even if they can't help.

Originally Posted by theave

And there is no reason for it - which, tbh, has always been my sticking point with depression. There is no major trauma in my life, I had a good childhood, I have a loving family - so it seems so self-indulgent to think there's anything in me that can or should be fixed. I read some other posts here and it breaks my heart to read what others have gone through.

I feel the same way. It's nice to know I'm not alone

Originally Posted by theave

I wonder at times why I ever went along with taking meds and seeking help - has it all been some kind of indulgent attention-seeking on my part? Did I quite like the idea of being depressed, that it would give me the excuse not to do things I didn't want to do? I don't know.

Yeah, I think like this too - Like my depression is some form of narcissism as all I do is think about me and how I feel all the time. And I wonder if a part of me is using it as my excuse for failing to realise my dream career, by protecting me from failure as I don't have to try. Just goes round and round my mind.

Thanks for the food for thought!

*Willow*

[theave]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I agree with what others have said - you should contact your Dr about this as it could be the meds, or tied to your worsening depression, or a normal hallucination-type feeling around sleep (totally normal - don't freak out at the word 'hallucination'!), or any number of things. I'm sure getting your Dr's take on this will at least reduce your anxiety about it, even if they can't help.

Thanks - you are right; and I think it's easy to relate everything to depression when actually it could just be anything - or nothing. I will ask my doctor.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Yeah, I think like this too - Like my depression is some form of narcissism as all I do is think about me and how I feel all the time. And I wonder if a part of me is using it as my excuse for failing to realise my dream career, by protecting me from failure as I don't have to try. Just goes round and round my mind.

Thanks for the food for thought!

Absolutely! And I think that I've had my time to think about me all the time, that I should be able to let it go now. Things are certainly better than they were; but maybe it's scaring me that this is my chance to make things properly right and I still don't know how that's going to happen. I know what you mean about protecting yourself from failure - I think it's a warped form of perfectionism. I have done a couple of university courses in the past few years, but always managed to make sure I didn't have quite enough time - so that if I didn't do so well, it was because I didn't have the time, not that I wasn't good enough. Do you think you will be able to pursue your career when the time is right for you? I hope so .

Originally Posted by theave

I know what you mean about protecting yourself from failure - I think it's a warped form of perfectionism. I have done a couple of university courses in the past few years, but always managed to make sure I didn't have quite enough time - so that if I didn't do so well, it was because I didn't have the time, not that I wasn't good enough.

Absolutely! If you don't try, then you can still tell yourself you could've succeeded if you had tried.

Originally Posted by theave

Do you think you will be able to pursue your career when the time is right for you? I hope so .

My deadline to begin my final year of Uni to finish my degree is this summer. Not so much about when the time is right for me; more 'last chance saloon'! I'm going for it though, as I will regret not at least trying my best for the rest of my life. I just hope the depression doesn't hinder me too much.

Let us know what the Dr says

*Willow*

[ThePainNeverDies]

theave. Something I say to everyone who feels like they shouldn't be depressed "because nothing's that bad in their life compared to some people" is this:

It's not how big or small the problem may be to somebody else that matters. It's about how it affects you.This is a very true statement and it took me such a long time to accept it, but I now accept it and can see that yes, people may be worse off in my eyes, but it's how my problems affect me that matters because they are only affecting me directly (and affecting others indirectly).

As for the images and sounds etc, I'm thinking it could be something to do with sleep deprivation, maybe you're not getting as much sleep as you think you are? Or it could be the fears showing their ugly faces because you sound afraid of losing the depression.

I know how scary losing depression can be. I'm in the process of doing it and it is so hard! I'm also in the process of getting rid of anorexia and anxiety etc. I understand how hard that is, but just remember how much of an achievement recovering from these things will be! Ok you might feel a little empty for a while, but that'll be a good empty that can be filled with something more positive. Treat yourself once you recover. Everytime you make a step towards recovery, reward yourself. It might sound silly but seriously, it works. I do it and it's helped me so much! I just want to pass the tips onto you

I hope that things get easier for you soon hon and please take care of you

[theave]

Thank you both so much - it means a lot. I had a more normal sleep last night and will see how it goes. Haven't contacted my pdoc yet but I'm not feeling so worried this morning.

Today has been frustrating and hard really, but nothing to do with depression this time - my eldest has pulled a muscle in her neck and is not coping with it at all well - I know it's painful but it's now lunchtime and she has just about made it out of bed. My OH has come home to work from home and to give me some moral support as I am now cast in the "wicked parent" role because there is nothing more we can do to help other than what we have done - ibuprofen and heat and trying to encourage her to move. I almost burst into tears at the pharmacy because I didn't really understand what he was saying. My youngest is also upset as we had to cancel the plans we'd made for today (they're off school on holiday just now).

WW, I hope that your return to study works out for you. It definitely seems to fall into the camp of something you'd regret more not trying, than trying and it not working out as you hope. I was in a similar situation this time last year - we had to decide whether to take the chance offered to us of moving from the UK to the US. It was pretty scary and has not been without its challenges, of course (understatement!), but I knew even when it was first suggested - which was when I was in hospital with depression - that it would be better for me to try and fail, than not to try at all (also as at the time I was suicidal, I figured it didn't really matter - didn't say that to anyone in real life though).

TPND, I think you are right, there is a fear of losing the depression - which is not something I can really discuss with many people who haven't experienced depression as it sounds so wrong - and that is possibly tied in with our big move. Initially I was worried what I would do - kids have school, OH has work, but there's nothing obvious for me. So now I think I have recovered from the effects of the move, and am on the right path for recovering from depression - and of course there is a bit of a hole. I have made a few good friends here, and I am hoping to retrain at some point, but I suppose there is still a way to go before I feel more stable. Your idea of rewarding yourself at each stage is a good one - what sort of things do you do?

Hope you have both had a good day today. Thanks again .