Impacts to my family by my depression

I have the meeting with the pdoc, t and dbsa this week - my goal to be honest.

I live another day, thank you ALL for your support.
I appreachate any kind thoughts.

Lynn P yes I am currently in therapy. Trying to make it though.
Lonescout

(((LoneScout)))

My Daddy killed himself when I was 8. He left my Mom 7 mos pregnant with one brother and also me and my other brother who had leukemia. My Daddy was a wonderful man, my memories of him are of a smiling, loving father with periodic dark days. He made some bad business choices....and just saw no way out...

I wish he would have thought about how much he was loved by his wife and his children....maybe that would have helped him through the darkness..we loved him so much.

The aftermath of his choice was very, very bad....even though I was only 8..I always felt that if I would have just been a better daughter......My Mom felt that she should have seen some sign...she should have been better wife....she never remarried or even dated.

In so many ways....life stopped for us when he left.

Now, I am almost 47 and have had to fight suicidal impulses since I was around 10. That is the legacy my beautiful father left for me....my brother with leukemia..he died 2 years after my Dad...the brother that my Mom was pregnant with....well...he has no memories of Dad...still...even though he is better adjusted than me..he has issues.

I am so glad you are getting help!! Please, please don't do this to your family.

I think your expecting wife and son would go through h*** if they lost you. For me, if I was pregnant right now and my husband did this, I would be completely devestated. Even if I wasn't pregnant.... I'd have a total nervous breakdown. I'd have to check into the mental hospital. Yes, it would be selfish, because you would not only be leaving your wife to take care of your son and baby-on-the-way all by herself for the rest of her life, but you would be putting her and your kids in misery. I know they love you and it's a terrible economy right now, your family could suffer without you, they could be left hungry. And you're all she has? Do you not understand how much that would hurt her? PLEASE, please, please, call a crisis line or 911 and get help. I used to be in this position all the time. I wanted to give up so much, so many times. Until I had my son. Now I can't give up, because he needs me. I can't give up on him. I can't give up on my husband. And I'm all my husband has, he has some family in the U.S., but they abandoned him. I live for the love of my family. I live for the hope and faith that better days will come. My friend just felt the same way as you and my/her friends and I talked her down. Now she says to get to the rainbow, I have to go through the rain, and it's not just raining, it's pouring. My other friend told her, the more it rains, the brighter the rainbow will be. Don't you want to see your little baby-on-the-way's face when she/he is born? Don't you want to watch you kids grow up? Go to their graduations, weddings, see their children's faces when they're born? Would you really want to miss all that? It's not just selfish, it's not fair to yourself. You can get better, here at PC you have found people that will give you support. Please don't give up. You know you're stronger than this, you can make it through and get better for you and your family.

Susan888 - okay I will turn myself in
ur post is the most powerful real example of how being sick an dieing not just kills the person but the family. I am so scared but I have an apt with the pdoc today and I will be honest - really honest - I have pasted the critical stage (I think) but super scared (can a man share that?)
Ashadow - I feel the warm breath of life, your whisper, talking reason in my ear - like mother nature herself trying to save animals in a burning forest - through triggering instincts of survival. The words, don't u want to see ur baby's face will resonate with me today.

I feel very sorry today. I don't mean to be crule, hateful or cause problems, I am really ill and u have all convinced me to get help. Please forgive me if I have caused any triggers. Everyone thankyou for your honesty and shared stories, I did not really think of what would really happen to my family - thank you all. PLEASE keep posting, as will I.
Lonescout

LoneScout, so pleased you are reaching out for help both here and in 'the real world'. I'm glad to hear you are setting yourself the aim of being honest in therapy.
I'm also glad Susan was able to post from the perspective of someone who lost their father, as a child, to suicide and that it's touched you. I know you don't want your children to be in that same situation.
You can get better, I think the first step is recognising and accepting there is a problem, which you have done. You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want to be well. A desire to be well can be a very strong thing.
Keep letting us know how you're doing - we all care and want you to be better!

Lonescout

I am sorry I missed this thread. I feel worse now for reading it.
I have your thoughts everyday also , but I don't have an expecting wife or son . We have to keep going. There are many good suggestions here from people who have been there. That's all I have to say. I hope you feel better soon.

Keep working it, Lonescout. Your family needs you. Death is the easy way out. Choose to live and make a difference in the lives of those who love you.

When I'm feeling extremely discouraged, I remind myself that life truly isn't easy so I need to stop wishing and waiting for things to change. This means I just accept the crappy times - it doesn't mean I give up and throw in the towel - I just stop dwelling on the negative, if I can't change it. Then I just go on with what I need to do and I find that helps me forget the sadness.

When I was a kid and didn't want to finish my dinner, my older siblings or mom would say " do you know there are starving kids in Africa, who would love to eat your dinner"? So I pull that 'starving kids in Africa' on myself and say "there are people who don't have arms but they play the guitar and here I am with all my limbs feeling sad. This lecture to myself works many times and it give me the energy to focus on other things.

Please don't do this. Please get help. Call a friend.

My good friend told me the other day that when I almost "left this world" in 2008 that she really wanted to talk with me.

Her mother attempted suicide 2 times. As a child, it devastated her.

My kids are adopted. While I was in hospital for a week, therapists told me my kids would feel abandoned for the second time in their lives.

I got meds, therapy, still see a psychiatrist, have strong faith in God, and I GOT BETTER. Is everyday coming up roses? Nope. But I know how to cope.

This is too big for just you, sweetheart. Your family needs you and loves your. Get help NOW! Go to local ER and tell them what's on your mind.

You asking if it is the wrong thing to do tells me that deep down, you don't want to do this. You don't want to leave this family.

You are not selfish. You are hurting. There is help. GO NOW!

Hi all, the caring keeps coming.. Thank you.
When to the pdoc yday he increased my Rx (which will take a week) and recommends therapy twice a week. Went to the T today and discussed going to the hospital. Tomorrow, I go to the depression and bipolar support group and will be honest.
My wife knows that I am working on issues but doesn't know that I want to die, since she is preg would be to upsetting 4 her.
Meds should take a week or more to kick in. People at work r worried and calling to see if I am okay. How did I get here?

(((LoneScout)))

You are in my prayers. I am so proud of you for seeking help!!! You are a stronger man than most to be able to admit your feelings and do something about it. Your wife is a very lucky woman!!

Much love to you LoneScout! Please remember that you are not alone in this struggle and be proud of yourself for looking for help!!!

Thank u all, I went to the dbsa grp and had the wrong night and onther person showed up and we had a small meeting for 2 1/2 hours. She just was released from trying s by j in front of a train and surived but is missing a thumb. She shared her emotional and physical scars and helped me really think things through and that I also need to stop listing to dark music and videos... I will not attempt but will instead go to the hospital first. Thank y all 4 ur support.

Music can have a dramatic affect on a persons mood, therefore you shouldn't listen to dark music and videos - it will just drag you down. Do you like uplifting music and how about some funny movies/clips? When I enjoy a good belly laugh, I instantly feel perked up. Do you exercise - you should start. If it's sunny outside -go for a brisk walk and take in all the beauty of nature - sounds and smells. I would also recommend asking your doctor to check your vitamin D levels. Experts have given new recommendations of taking at least 1,000 mg daily - it plays a role in depression and prevention of some cancers. Listen to energizing music and watch something funny everyday. Make today an awesome day.

Thanks for the info any musoc u recommend?
Take care

I can't think of any in particular - at least ones that don't make you feel worse or gloomy. Music is such a personal thing and everyone has different tastes. What makes you happy Lonescout?

Helping others.
Camping and campfires. Black eyed susans(kind of flower), travel to new foreign counties, chef tasting menus.

ummmm i dont really know what to say about that because im gothic and listen to dark music all the time...... maybe it just doesnt affect me that much. the way i see it, depression is like a demon riding your back, controlling your thoughts, guiding you and helping you to commit suicide. thats how i see my depression. i try to avoid thinking that way because i know its my depression that is making me want to do those things...depression kills alot of people and i want you to keep that in mind whenever you get those thoughts....i dont know if it will help but it helps me bring myself out of that mindset of wanting to end everything.

Hi Scout,

I'm new here and haven't posted much. Am not on meds and have no doctor, but am looking for one now, because I need to get back on AD's asap! I have mild BPD and depression.

You said you liked helping others. OK .. do you know much about cars? I could really use some help in deciding between 2 used cars I'm thinking of buying. Wanna help?

1. 2002 Saturn SL1 - only 28,000 miles .. and in excellent condition: $6,000
2. 2001 Nissan Altima - 62,000 miles .... in excellent condition: $6,500

What do you think would be the better buy?

Sorry, if this something you'd rather not help with .. it's ok, you can skip it. Just thought I'd take you up on your offer.

And about those 'chef tasting menus' .... yum, I agree! I'd love to be able to taste specially prepared foods ... especially chocolate.

Seriously though ... I SO understand where you're coming from! I too have really really dark days and want it to all stop. My reason for never taking my life is, my relationship with God, and that my life isn't mine to take ... but that's just my own personal thing.

Big hugs ... and yes, I'd LOVE to go to Holland, Belgium and Switzerland. Oh and Ireland.

Thank u 4 ur post. God wow ur strong.
Car- well if u want to keep it long saturn is no longer produced so it would be tough to get parts maybe.
I gave my son a bubble bath the other night, he was so happy and innocent playing and trying to say the word bubble (boo-bee-l) he says, this contrasted the darkness of my departure into the other world caused tears to roll down my cheeks.
There is a whisper in my ear it is all in a matter of time.
Then my recent encounter with the broken woman who by luck survived an attempt with the train, teaching always to go to ER before it. I just need to stop feeling like I want to DIE ALL THE TIME.

Here is a happy Playlist for you Lonescout. The links are semi-invisible but are under the song names/artists that I list. Either click them, or copy paste them into the url bar.

Defying Gravity, From the Musical: Wicked

Thank you so much for these songs, I am going through them.

So I have made a decision for life, or at least, thanks to you guys that I will choose life.

My entry is at Broken Ballerina who became an Angel
http://myinnershadows.wordpress.com/...os-been-there/

My son, doesn't know it yet, but he is happy that you all have been helping me.
Thank you (picture enclosed)

Happy to see you connecting with people Lonescout.
You'll be OK. It just takes time. All the best to you.

So glad you are feeling better LoneScout. Hang in there, it will get better. Everyone at PC is here for you! *hugs*

I'm not sure if I posted in this thread before, but I'm posting anyway.

When someone contemplates suicide, they are looking for a permanent escape from a temporary situation. It does not make them selfish for this. When trying to understand what brings people to that point where they feel that suicide is the only way out of a situation, it's best to remember that there is only so much weight one person can take before they collapse. Their situation was more weight than they could have withstood at that time. It is also important to notice that we all have different levels of toleration for pain. That makes it more understandable, but never right.

It is not selfish to be in pain. But it's not right to end your life because of it. As much of a hypocrite I am for saying it, that's not what matters here. What matters is that you feel better soon. Talking to someone can help you get through tough times. I recently found that out. Good luck with you.