May trigger.

I got my schedule for school courses next year. Going back to school. Some people already know that. I should be excited. It's a big step. Doing something with my life, or trying to at least.

I don't. I feel like ****.

I'm not smart. Who am I kidding? I'm really not. I'm not the stupidest guy but I'm very far from being smart.

I'm not going to fit in there. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in anywhere on PC, which is a support site, and should be the easiest place for me to fit in anywhere. I don't fit in here. It's my own fault, I suck at supporting people, I'm probably not easy to get along with, I'm a burden. Maybe I belonged here at one point but I don't think I do anymore.

I don't fit in anywhere IRL. I don't belong to any active communities. I miss being on my old hockey team. I bother my friends all the time. IDK who is a friend and who isn't. I don't know much. I don't know what's paranoid and what's regular caution. People don't like me. I don't like me. I'm nothing I want to me.
I'm too damaged. Broken vase. Shattered up. Fragmented. Can't function properly.

All over the place. IDK what's happening half the time. I can hardly sleep at night, nightmares play loops in my head and make me feel sick. People talk to me but I can't make out what they say sometimes because everything is too foggy. I think of everything at the same time, and I think too much. Is it possible to think too much yet still act so stupidly and recklessly?

There's this dull pain. Sometimes I lift it a minute by finding something to be happy about, then it comes back and covers me, I make myself sick thinking of how I've failed. How they've won and how I'm still the weak little boy I've always been.

I want to curl up but I want to smash my fist into the wall and scream in rage at the same time, drown myself in a bottle or just get a hug.

[ab4224]

Sounds all too familiar to me.

[Ascension]

The difference between guilt and shame is guilt is something you feel about an action you take and shame is feeling like you are the mistake. The only fatal mistake we can make is to feel shame. We all do and say things that we regret but once you let you mistakes and guilt color everything you identify yourself as, you can't get better. I hope you find some peace and learn to forgive yourself for what you feel is bad about you. I hope you learn to take time to rest and truly rest. Not feel guilty/shameful about needing some time to recover or asking for help, because if you are fighting guilt when you are trying to rest you are not recovering physically or psychologically. I hope you peace and balance.

[turquoisesea]

((((((fenrir))))))

[Rohag]

Hi, Fenrir! Laying aside the question of intelligence, what do you hope going back to school will profit you?

[Lisa Michelle]

I think perhaps you're suffering with a lot of self doubt. Maybe a low self esteem/confidence?

Anyone can go to school. You're obviously not stupid (I can tell just from reading your posts), but I know that doesn't mean you don't FEEL it. But honestly, even if you weren't the brightest spark, you could still do relatively ok in school. I went to uni (quit, but still) and I knew people who weren't exactly academic, but if you put in the effort you can do well... the work is not THAT difficult! (ok well in the UK standards are way lower lol, but still, nothing you're given to do is impossible). I'm sure you're much much more clever than you realise, though, and you will do fine. And the point is that you don't know this stuff, you're there to LEARN it, everyone is equal in that. Once you settle in you'll realise you can do it

Maybe you haven't found people who fit you. You don't have to fit in with others, let them fit in with you :P ... when you find a bunch of people who are similar in some ways, you'll probably feel much more comfortable (example, my brother is a bit 'weird', always been a bit of an outcast socially... and then he met a load of people who were also 'weird', and hey presto he fits!! And that was at the age of about 27. I hung out with them and... I didn't fit in, lol).

You'll probably meet people in college who you get along with. It just sort of.. happens.
Perhaps join a group, or going back to your hockey team?

Do you think you'd benefit from therapy or medication? Sometimes those things help. I'm currently reading a book on self esteem, only a few pages in but... I do think EVERYTHING is easier if you have an at least ok self esteem.

Good luck x

[pegasus]

(((((((( Fenrir )))))))) Here's a hug!

You have an opportunity to better yourself and yet you have these yucky 'parent' tapes that play and tell you all sorts of awful things that try to stop you being who you are.

The truth is you are very intelligent, you are not broken, and you are not weak. You do fit in very well but your 'parent' tapes don't like that because it makes you an amazing person.

Having the chance to do this school course and the realization that you are worthy to do such a thing is scary. It's scary because you are delving into the unknown and you happen to be fighting those 'parent' tapes at the same time. You can do this, take each day one step at a time, don't look too far ahead and know that you can succeed because you are a fighter!

[SophiaG]

You're telling yourself what will happen before it has even happened. Don't do that to yourself.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hi, Fenrir! Laying aside the question of intelligence, what do you hope going back to school will profit you?

OK, I've reread my question and think I have to start all over from the beginning...

Fenrir, despite your doubts and fears, you've made a plan and begun the process of going back to school. Some force or combination of forces moves you in that direction. I hope a knowledge of what's leading you back to school and of what you seek to gain in this course might make the elements of this challenge clearer and less threatening to you.

Success is possible. Success and happiness are what I hope for you.

Thank you everyone.

I want a career, and the lines of work I wish I could go into all require a continued education. I regret not having continued with my education and I don't want to put it off. It's just a big plunge. I know part of me wants to take that plunge, but on the other hand, I don't know if I have the capability to. If I'm chasing a false dream, if I should just recognize my place in society and accept that I'll never really amount to what I want to be.

I can't go back to hockey, physical reasons. I miss being on a team, knowing that everyone had your back, having a place, being an important cog in a big machine. Needed, I guess.

Thank you for the support and hugs everyone, could do with them and I appreciate it. It's hard not to listen to the bad and agree with it.

Edison told us long ago, “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration!” Hard work, preparation and perseverance will get you down the road to success.

[Helpmegetbetter]

*HUGE GROUP HUG* You are smart, you fit in here perfectly,you are not a burden and you shouldn't think of yourself like that,again you fit in here perfectly,not everybody belongs to active communities including me,it's ok if your not on your hockey team,you don't bother your friends too much,I can be your friend(a real one too lol even though I'd just be talking to you over the internet which still helps),it's just caution,I like you and so does everyone else who has commented so far(trust me there will be more), I'm broken too,I can't keep up with the world around me either,I can't even sleep at night anymore(which is why I'm answering this at such an odd hour lol),I think alot about nothing in particular too,you haven't failed that's why you're here trying to find help,if you were in hockey I seriously doubt you are a weak little boy, and it's ok to let your anger out when you're ready too.*MORE HUGE GROUP HUGS*
Feel better yet? I can keep doing this for a while if you need it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Fenrir ))))))))))))))))