[Overcastbutclearing]

Trying to understand things.
Trying to trust my T.
Trying to remember all we talked about Thurs. in my session and all the things that I need to take into thought when I think I have a destiny or a time line I have to meet.
I think I need the forums more then I should, or more then I wanted to...
I know I am not the only one who feels things like being lonely and dark even when life and light are happening around them.
We all have a "choice". But do we know our limits> And can we provide the strength we need to be sure we are making the right choice?
So many questions.
So many hurts.
So many scars from my childhood...
Trying to sort it all out.
Thanks for listening...once again!

I hear you...

Every word.

Petunia

[MacD]

The title and first word of your post are clear evidence that you've already ahead in the battle....Grace

[Hope4me2]

so true so true

[LadyDragus]

oh I can understand this one so much.
Undestanding things can be so rough at times, and when our minds do not want us to, makes it so hard to understand when they are messed up..

I fully understand this one..

<marquee> dragon hugs to you </marquee>

[Fuzzybear]

Trust?

What is that?

Fuzzy

[Quizbur]

Hang in there! We all have rough patches and somehow manage to get through them. You are stronger than you think..... <font color="blue"> </font>

[oksomaybeimnuts]

((((((((((((((((((((Susan)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts

[LadyDragus]

fuzzy we all have to learn to trust..

I know you have it in your heart to do that to others..

it will take a while.. I know you have been in hared times. and so has this person..

ok..

love to the both of you..

the dragon..

[__zh]

We applaud your efforts and echo Grace's sentiments </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The title and first word of your post are clear evidence that you've already ahead in the battle

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You've shown much growth in your approach to life in the time you've been on this board. Thank you for sharing your courageous "sorting out" with us. We have seen much change in you for the better over this time online at this site.

The feeling like we need more than we should or more than we wanted to is fairly universal for those of us with issues from childhood. You are soooooo not alone with that.

Keep sorting please! We know it isn't easy. We're here along the way.

kindly,
__zh

[Fuzzybear]

i can see positive change in you.

As for me I am keeping TRYING. sigh.

Meaningful hugs (and growls)
Fuzzy

[Overcastbutclearing]

What's the use in trying?
When all you think about is dieing?
When you are no longer sure who is telling the truth and who is lieing?
And you would prefer to hiding...
Hiding from the sin and sorrow and anger and hurt
That make you want to be six feet under the dirt
Where no one can harm you, no one can tease you, no one will cause you pain
So, what is the use in trying..again and again

[__zh]

the use in trying is that change can and does happen. It is hard to grasp when one is in a mindset opting out.........we've been in that mindset many many times with the complete negative black white either or thinking. With therapy and meds and many kinds of support.......IRL, online, professionally, socially, from medical journals and books and articles, etc.

We're sorry you're expressing what sounds like a hopeless feeling.

Keep working with your T please!

We implore you use all resources available to you to get through this time.

I'm so sorry it all seems so black to you. But you are doing well, you are making progress, just through being able to try even when you don't feel you see the point in doing so.

(((((((((((((((sj0401))))))))))))))

Caroline

[LadyDragus]

oh honey dont feel that way..

I will dig till I find you..

You will not go .. I will help talk to us.. We are here for you.

I am and so many others are too.. Use this fourm to let it all out.. ok.
Talk speak write it tell us what is eating at you.. Do not let the beast win, if you do then the progress you have made is not worth anything.. Keep fighitng, I do every day.. That is what Trying means.. Keep fighting daily..
we all do it in our own little ways..

Some days are good some days are bad..
I have had a rough day, i know how you feel right now ok.. Trust me I do.. but I am here to help you in any way I can ok.

Love to you..
Dragon hugs away

[Overcastbutclearing]

Had one of the most intense and worst sessions with my T last night. It got so intense that I totally shut down.
I couldn't even look at her. I couldn't even respond to her.
I just don't know what happened to me to be the way I am.
So many years with only thinking there is one way to solve everything...always fantasizing about "S"...always thinking that was my only option for peace.
Sometimes feeling better and letting that slip away, but always having that same feeling creep back in my life. So times coming back more harsh then the last time.
I need mercy. I need healing. I need to not just put a band aide over my pain and anger...it needs to be healed.
I made another appt for tonight to see my T again. I guess it's the insurance plan..if you will.
I really don't want to die. I just don't want to keep living like this.
Sometimes I separate from who I am as an adult and I fall into this kidlike mode of thinking. I get scared. I look for help, so hard to find at times. I feel like a lost kid who has no one to run to. Where is my mommy? Why doesn't she just love me, no conditions?

Again, thanks for listening. Thanks for all your replies.

[LadyDragus]

i am proud of you that you are stll going..
Even tough you shut down you are making progress, you are going back again tonite..

good job.. now just open that little door speak just a little..

Tell her what is wronig why you want to die, tell her why you get kidlike, tel her just like you tell us..
I know it will be hard because you can nto see any of us.. We are all a keyboard or a monitor for you to look at.. but hey, we are still people who do care about you..

Talk to us.. Tell us what ever you think you need to get off your mind..

[Overcastbutclearing]

I feel very strange when I feel like a kid. I don't know if I could verbalize that to my T. I have such a hard time verbalizing my feelings to begin with. I can write anything...and write about anything.
But actually forming words with a voice>>>almost imposible.
I just hope tonight is not as intense as last night.
It made me so tired and weak.
I felt like a Mack Truck ran me over when I woke up this morning.
Thanks LadyDragus...just knowing you are at some keyboard somewhere listening makes a difference today!

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I really don't want to die. I just don't want to keep living like this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> YES!! That's the truth sj! That is the reality of depressive thinking.........we often really do not want to die but the pain we exist in is too much so we want that to end therefore we conclude we must die. We are very sorry that things are this difficult right now but are so proud of the courageous work you are undertaking in going to your appointments. Your T sounds like she is a good ally in this battle you're in. How helpful to have someone like that along the way as you deal with this stuff.

We don't want you to have to live in pain either. Please keep on sweetie.

We're listening and hoping for you to start feeling better. We've been in that place of wanting out so badly and not knowing how to live and just being in so dang much pain. It is possible to get through. You're doing it!!

[Overcastbutclearing]

I just wanted to say I don't mean to scare anyone or make anyone upset. I wish I could just be normal...and I thank you for giving me the opportunity and support to "sort" things out here on the forum.
I know tonight will be tough. I have to face my fears...I have to just be open with my T. No matter what..I have to get this darkness out of me.

I was honest with my gf on how I have been feeling. And that I had a time line and planned on "leaving" this August 23rd. I even scheduled the 23rd off from work like 2 weeks ago. I told her that too.
I don't mean for anyone to personalize what is going on in my head.
I just need compassion, a hug here and there and someone to watch over me quietly to be sure I make it through.
I am not out of the woods yet...but I am closer to the perimeter of safer land.

{{{{{ SJ }}}}}





Petunia

[dayzee9]

(((((((((((sj0401 )))))

I've been layin' back & just ready the progression of this thread........frankly, your very first post is what I think you should take to your T......it's raw, unpretencious & tell her in that "tone" If she doesn't get THAT smash her over the head w. a frying pan! Practice your tone of voice, accentuate the main words, cry like a baby, but DAMN GIRL! Give it a try, for me???

I've been thinking the forbidden "word" that you first entry hit home...........BUT I DIDN'T FEEL ALONE ANYMORE!!!!!

I am very sad, that you are also very sad; but my T's on vacation for a week....you've got a chance girl -- whether like a child, angry, whatever works, ya know? I would feel so much better to know that someone else in this sea of anonymous faces & voices -- that ONE PERSON makes it! Make it happen!!

peace, dayzee9

[LadyDragus]

always remember you have live lines on here..

I am one of them

Iam here for you ok

[LadyDragus]

then take those feelings that you write down to your T..
show her what you write I do..

and it helps.. I know they hate spending time reading. but when we have such a hard time experssion our wrods that is what matters we show them what is wrong.. ..

keep posting it will help ok..
I am here and so are all the other ok.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Ok, so session last night seemed to go well. Feels like just a relief to let some of this madness out.
But, this morning woke up still unsure. Still feeling doubt. Not that I thought it would go away over night...I mean, I know it is going to be a process. But, I thought I would feel better then I do. So, I am angry. I want to just feel relief.
My whole body aches like it was hit by a Mack truck. It is all emotional drain.
I want help. I need help. I promise to listen to my T.
But, in the hours by myself...in the time that I have only my thoughts...what do I do?