[nihowes2]

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life....
I put sooo much effort into not letting the symptoms of my depression show that most of my friends and family don't even know about it. And the few that I have told felt that my smile always hid it from them.
One of the few people that I have trusted with actually knowing what is going on with me is my husband. I try extremely hard to make sure that my depression doesn't affect him or our way of life.
But I just can't do it anymore....even with the effort that I have put into my relationship with him my husband has gone as far as to say that my depression is making him depressed....he tells me I need help...
I KNOW I need help and am actively pursuing it so what is his problem....
I've read a lot about depression and how to overcome it and am doing everything I can to get through it.
I just wish the people that are supposed to care about me the most could see that. I feel like they don't even see me anymore they just see the depression.

[Caramel]

Originally Posted by nihowes2

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life....
I put sooo much effort into not letting the symptoms of my depression show that most of my friends and family don't even know about it. And the few that I have told felt that my smile always hid it from them.
One of the few people that I have trusted with actually knowing what is going on with me is my husband. I try extremely hard to make sure that my depression doesn't affect him or our way of life.
But I just can't do it anymore....even with the effort that I have put into my relationship with him my husband has gone as far as to say that my depression is making him depressed....he tells me I need help...
I KNOW I need help and am actively pursuing it so what is his problem....
I've read a lot about depression and how to overcome it and am doing everything I can to get through it.
I just wish the people that are supposed to care about me the most could see that. I feel like they don't even see me anymore they just see the depression.

Hi nihowes2,

Have you considered having an evaluation by a psychiatrist? My depression has been so severe I have needed medication to deal with it. I have felt well on the correct drugs.

I imagine living a double life would be exhausting. Do you think talking with your husband about what treatment or therapy might be the best for you would be helpful? I hope you will be able to find the help you need.

Caramel

[nihowes2]

Thanks for the response Caramel
My GP just recently changed my meds from Effexor to Cipralex, and I'm on a waiting list right now to see a therapist.
I can't wait to get in to talk to someone to get some third party insight to help me get through this.
I definitely know that I'm on the right track to getting better, but getting there is definitely a rocky road. Luckily, I found this site that lets me connect with people that can relate.

[REINE D AMOUR]

hi and welcome on pc ,living wih someone depressed is not easy,your husband should understand and support you

[sunsetsunrise]

I am severely depressed and just lost my therapist when I went on disabiity. turns out that medicare doesnt pay for LCSW My pdoc is in the same practice as the therapist who dropped me like a hot potato when she was not going to get paid by insurance. unless I could come up with 72 dollars a week. On the teeny bit of money that disability pays me. And I do mean teeny because I was not able to work much in my life. So I cannot go back to my pdoc either because I do not want to run into the horrible person who dropped me when I was hanging on by a thread. When I had free state insurance that covered her, she thought that we were led to each other to work toegether because she could help me so much. When I lost that insurance and had to go on medicare, all of a sudden I was very expendible. And now I do have to find another pdoc. I will not look for another therapist. My expereince is that they cannot be trusted. They are just out for the money. But thats just my expereince.

[nihowes2]

That seems to be what I'm getting from everyone Reine
We did have a good talk last night, and for now things are better between us. I have made a decision for myself that regardless of what he says or think about my illness, I'm not going to let it affect me anymore.
This is a huge turning point for me, and I really do have this forum and the people I've been talking to thank!

I'm sorry to hear that sunset
Hang in there though. I know it's especially hard to feel unwanted and insignificant by people who are supposed to be there to help, but therapists are human just like the rest of us. Just because this one was incredibly unsupportive when it really mattered doesn't mean they'll all be like that. Don't let this keep you from doing what's important....taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to get better!!
Hopefully there will come a day when you can walk into your old pdoc's office to look that therapist in the eye to say 'thanks for nothing'!

[Caramel]

Originally Posted by nihowes2

Thanks for the response Caramel
My GP just recently changed my meds from Effexor to Cipralex, and I'm on a waiting list right now to see a therapist.
I can't wait to get in to talk to someone to get some third party insight to help me get through this.
I definitely know that I'm on the right track to getting better, but getting there is definitely a rocky road. Luckily, I found this site that lets me connect with people that can relate.

Hi nihowes2,

Can you tell yet if Cipralex is helping? I am assuming Effexor was not effective for you.

I agree with you that getting better is a rocky road. It has been hard for me to be patient while waiting to see if a medication is going to work. Side effects and withdrawal aren't fun either.

Seeing a therapist was helpful for me. I learned a lot about myself, my husband and my marriage, as well as depression.

I believe you are showing courage in seeking the help you need!

Caramel

[nihowes2]

I think it's still too early to tell, but I have started to feel a bit better over the past few days. It's been awhile since I've had that general sense of well being, and it seems to be coming back. At least the brain shocks from the effexor are pretty much gone now. I can't stand those things.
Yeah I'm really looking forward to therapy. I have trust issues when it comes to opening up to friends and family so I'm hoping talking to a third party outside of my life will help.

[Caramel]

Originally Posted by nihowes2

I think it's still too early to tell, but I have started to feel a bit better over the past few days. It's been awhile since I've had that general sense of well being, and it seems to be coming back. At least the brain shocks from the effexor are pretty much gone now. I can't stand those things.
Yeah I'm really looking forward to therapy. I have trust issues when it comes to opening up to friends and family so I'm hoping talking to a third party outside of my life will help.

Please let me know how you are doing and if you are pleased with your therapy sessions.

Caramel

[WikidPissah]

yea, I can totally appreciate the double life, I've been an expert at living it for years. I will sleep all day, but get up an hour b4 hubby comes home from work to fix dinner and pretend to be ok. It doesn't always work though, he sees thru it. I try to avoid friends and social situations with one excuse after another. These days I seldom turn my phone on, except to collect voice mails. Pretending has taken it's toll on me. I recently tried to confide in a friend, but she totally didn't get it and I ended up feeling hurt and alone. I have a T, but it's rare that I confess what's going on with me...I tend to pretend there as well.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I recently tried to confide in a friend, but she totally didn't get it and I ended up feeling hurt and alone.

(((((((((( Eileen ))))))))) I am sorry that happened I think that for many of us who live double lives, often friends will not understand if we admit the truth. Because the friendship with them has been based on presenting the other side of the self. What I call the mask I put on when I go out into the world. Eileen, I am glad that you are here where you can be your true self. Warts, roses, love, pain and all.
by the way, talk about living a double life, I used to volunteer as a healer. I always had the ability. But went through training also. People had really good results and enjoyed it also. After it was done, I was expected to give suggestions. And that was fine. I could do it. But they did not know how broken I was. What a double life !! To my credit whenever they wanted to know if they could come to me for a fee for services. I would always say that I do not accept paying clients. How could I charge knowing I am so broken inside. I finally stopped doing it though. I feel too broken to continue. Even though I loved doing it. I always always worked in the name of love and light. With love in my heart for each person.

[nihowes2]

Hey Eileen
I know exactly where you are because I've been there! I really think you should consider confiding in your T. You need to get how your feeling out there, and opening up to a nonbiased party could really help you. For the longest time, I thought it would just be better to keep it all inside. I couldn't stand the thought of what other people would think of me if I let it out.
For me getting help is about breaking the cycle of mental health issues in my family. I have it on both sides, and knowing how it affected me growing up... I don't want my future children to experience that.

Sunset,
That is such a wonderful gift to have! I can't imagine anything quite as rewarding as being able to relieve other people's pain. I'm sure it was very hard, though, being able to heal other's pain and not your own...
I do hope you can find your own inner peace to be able to start practicing again.