[tangodream]

Hi, I'm a 44 year old woman who has suffered from depression & panic attacks since I was a teenager. Right now, I'm on 20mg of Lexapro daily & have been for many years. I had therapy on & off years past & it has helped me sometimes, sometimes it hasn't.

Both my parents were alcoholics; my mother died in May 2005 of lung cancer & my father is still alive. My parents divorced when I was in high school after my father met another woman & wanted to be with her. Within a year and a half, two family members close to me had died & my mother was really drinking heavily. I had my first very serious depressive episode then, at age 18, was suicidal & spent a year like that. My parents didn't know what to do with me & they didn't get me help. I got help when I made myself go back to college & went to the student counseling center. Throughout my life, I've had times when my depression & panic attacks have almost made me unable to function.

I've been married twice. My first marriage ended in divorce in 2008 when my bipolar, alcoholic ex-husband started losing himself mentally. We separated in 2005 when he started getting physically abusive towards me & I just couldn't take it anymore. He was committed by the county for a year at the end of 2005 & while he was committed, we tried to work things out, but couldn't. I ended it for good in 2007 because he couldn't change.

I knew my current husband as an online friend for many years & in early 2008 we met face-to-face for the first time. I was not looking to get romantically involved with anyone but I guess my Higher Power had other ideas. We hit it off & got married in December 2008. Right before we got married, my current husband told me he was a cross-dresser. That has developed into him questioning his gender identity & he is in therapy for that.

Okay, well, I lost my job in December 2008 in a mass lay-off and couldn't find another one. Last year, my husband's 16 year old daughter came to live with us because she couldn't stand the situation at her mother's anymore. Now, his 14 year old daughter has moved in with us just this past week because her mother & step-father were kicked out of where they live. She doesn't really want to be living with us since now she has to go to a totally different school.

We've had financial problems due to my unemployment: mortgage issues, creditors calling, student loans piling up even more interest, not enough money to get needed medical and dental care sometimes.

I've got some chronic health problems that make life difficult for me at time: interstitial cystitis, chronic sinus disease, Polycystic ovarian syndrome, migraines, and lately, strange joint pain that started in my hips but has spread now one foot. Plus my depression & panic attacks. Plus I need some dental care I have not been able to afford.

Well, this past Monday I finally was offered a job. I should be thrilled, right? But I'm not. Instead, I feel terrified, sick to my stomach all the time, and terribly depressed. I am not sleeping, I have no energy, no desire to really do anything. Sometimes I feel so full of fear I break out crying, sobbing. I'm hurting inside. Right now I'm also fighting off a sinus infection that I got medications for yesterday.

I've been working so hard to find a job & you'd think now that I've found one--right when my unemployment was about to run out--I'd be happy. It is just the opposite. I've been miserable since I got the offer on Monday after the interview & I'm supposed to start on 8/16.

I wish I could just curl up into a ball & sleep for six months or something like that. I am feeling consumed with so many negative thoughts & emotions & I don't know why I'm feeling so badly.

Yes, I'm under a lot of stress, I know. I'm still dealing with issues from my first marriage because my ex-husband stalked me & went to jail for breaking my protection order. He's left me alone for a year now, but I think it is only because he's on probation for what he did.

I'm just feeling so lost & alone right now. I have not told anyone else what I'm feeling except for my husband because they just wouldn't understand. My husband doesn't really understand, either. I tried talking to him last night but he just can't quite understand what I'm trying to say. He thought I was just nervous about starting a new job but last night I got through to him that it is more than that.

I'm just really afraid right now. And I don't know how to handle this or what to do with myself.

Thanks for listening.

Kim

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Tangodream!

Originally Posted by Tangodream

...this past Monday I finally was offered a job. I should be thrilled, right?

"Scary" often accompanies starting something new, and for people free of depression it's usually a positive or at least bearable "scary." For someone shouldering heavy psycho-social-physical weights, however, I cannot be surprised the "scary" is really scary and even paralyzing.

Were I you, I'd throw myself a party just for arriving at work on that first day. Getting through the first day would call for a second party! (Actually, I'm so apathetic, I'd probably drink a club soda and call that my party.)

It's no shame to be afraid. We're here to listen and toss around ideas. Sift them out and see if any help or comfort.

[owen2110]

I am sorry to hear how badly you feel right. I know it probably doesn't help, but I wish you and your family happiness.

[justjoanie]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Tangodream!

"Scary" often accompanies starting something new, and for people free of depression it's usually a positive or at least bearable "scary." For someone shouldering heavy psycho-social-physical weights, however, I cannot be surprised the "scary" is really scary and even paralyzing.

Were I you, I'd throw myself a party just for arriving at work on that first day. Getting through the first day would call for a second party! (Actually, I'm so apathetic, I'd probably drink a club soda and call that my party.)

It's no shame to be afraid. We're here to listen and toss around ideas. Sift them out and see if any help or comfort.

I completely agree! Well said!

[tangodream]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Tangodream!

"Scary" often accompanies starting something new, and for people free of depression it's usually a positive or at least bearable "scary." For someone shouldering heavy psycho-social-physical weights, however, I cannot be surprised the "scary" is really scary and even paralyzing.

Were I you, I'd throw myself a party just for arriving at work on that first day. Getting through the first day would call for a second party! (Actually, I'm so apathetic, I'd probably drink a club soda and call that my party.)

It's no shame to be afraid. We're here to listen and toss around ideas. Sift them out and see if any help or comfort.

Its nice to hear from someone who understands where I'm coming from. I guess I never thought of it that way--that I'm trying to look at this from a non-depressive person's point of view, when in fact I can't, and trying to do so makes it worse for me.

So I acknowledge that--but now what? I'm still feeling terrible inside today. Physically, I feel awful too. My sinuses are really bad with an infection & allergies right now & my doctor couldn't get me in today for my joint pain because he doesn't give injections. I'm so worried that my physical health will ruin things for me no matter what I do.

I feel like such an utter failure right now, for feeling this way. I've never dealt well with major changes in my life, unless they were ones that were extremely positive, like falling in love. This new job doesn't feel like a positive change for me, not in the least bit.

I'm so confused.

Thanks for the welcome & the advice.

K

[bipolarbearV]

tESTING TESTING MODERATORS, A NOTE ON MY POTENTIAL POST SAYS I NEED TO ADD 8 CHARACTERS. i TRIED THIS MANY WAYS BUT THE SITE STILL WON'T ACCEPT MY POST. CAN YOU HELP? BIPOLARBEARV

[bipolarbearV]

I'm so sorry you are going thru all of this. I wrote you a better e-mail but it's not getting accepted, so this is my 2nd attempt.
I know you have lots of things wrong with you medically and have no insurance or money but we do have something in common. I had poly-cistic ovary disease. My pap smears kept coming back worse and worse and my OB-GYN said that it would turn to cancer if I didn't have a complete (all organs out) hysterectomy. Well, I did it and IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID!! I immediately felt better in all different ways. Clearer, sharper, more energy, slept better etc. My p-doc said to have the surgery because my ovaries were emitting toxins which were hurting my body. Based on both Drs telling me to have the surgery I did. Call your OB and ask him how 'close' you are to getting cancer. It's free and it might clear up your thinking. I know it won't cure the other things and the operation may not do anything for you, but I have ready many many stories of hysterectomies all saying the same as I did. Just think if you did get cancer somehow you would find the way to get it treated. Maybe it's the same way here. I don't mean to scare you but it's one avenue you probably haven't explored. I wish you only the best. God Bless You.

My T says she can fix me with Crazy Glue!!

[bipolarbearV]

TO MODERATORS, MY 2ND POST WENT THRU, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN EXPLAIN THE PROBLEM TO ME AND HOW TO FIX IT. aLSO HOW CAN I REACH YOU ON THIS SITE. I TRIED ASK, HELP ETC AND GOT PSYCH HELP, PRETTY FUNNY. BUT THANKS. BIPOLARBEARV

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello tango,

Your situation is tearing at you I know that because I've been through it. But I agree with Rohag. Go to wrok and don't allow this to make you agoraphobic.

I gave in and I've been agoraphobic for years literally a prisoner in the house 6 days out of 7 I don't even go onto the deck.

I know things are hard on you tango but please hold onto that job and in a short amount of time you will be so very happy you did,

Good luck

[tangodream]

Originally Posted by bipolarbearV

I'm so sorry you are going thru all of this. I wrote you a better e-mail but it's not getting accepted, so this is my 2nd attempt.
I know you have lots of things wrong with you medically and have no insurance or money but we do have something in common. I had poly-cistic ovary disease. My pap smears kept coming back worse and worse and my OB-GYN said that it would turn to cancer if I didn't have a complete (all organs out) hysterectomy. Well, I did it and IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID!! I immediately felt better in all different ways. Clearer, sharper, more energy, slept better etc. My p-doc said to have the surgery because my ovaries were emitting toxins which were hurting my body. Based on both Drs telling me to have the surgery I did. Call your OB and ask him how 'close' you are to getting cancer. It's free and it might clear up your thinking. I know it won't cure the other things and the operation may not do anything for you, but I have ready many many stories of hysterectomies all saying the same as I did. Just think if you did get cancer somehow you would find the way to get it treated. Maybe it's the same way here. I don't mean to scare you but it's one avenue you probably haven't explored. I wish you only the best. God Bless You.

My T says she can fix me with Crazy Glue!!

You know, my Pap smears have all been normal for years & I haven't had any cysts for years, either. I've been on the Pill since I was 19 & that was for the PCOS. It was after I went on the pill that I finally started coming out of my first depressive breakdown. I've long wondered if there isn't a link between at least some of my mental problem & my PCOS.

I don't even see an OB/GYN, I see a GP for my female issues. It has been years since I've seen a specialist for my ovaries. I have a urologist for my bladder, though, a good one. I have a ENT for my sinuses, the best I've found so far.

Maybe I should see on OB/GYN.

Kim

[tangodream]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello tango,

Your situation is tearing at you I know that because I've been through it. But I agree with Rohag. Go to wrok and don't allow this to make you agoraphobic.

I gave in and I've been agoraphobic for years literally a prisoner in the house 6 days out of 7 I don't even go onto the deck.

I know things are hard on you tango but please hold onto that job and in a short amount of time you will be so very happy you did,

Good luck

I am sorry, Rhiannonsmoon, that you have become agoraphobic.

I really am not afraid to go out of the house. Today I had to go to an adoption event for a dog I am fostering & then two pet sitting jobs (I'm a pet-sitter). While I didn't really enjoy today's adoption event as I normally would have, I was able to handle it & smile & answer people's questions. The pet sitting jobs are a breeze because there is no one in the client's homes but the pets I'm taking care of. My husband goes with me sometimes to help on the pet sitting jobs.

Then, when I got home, I had to get on the phone & duke it out with the mortgage company, again! That really drained me.

Tonight, I'm just feeling totally spent, drained, and disappointed in myself. My joints are hurting & I feel all foggy. I'm not sure why I'm disappointed in myself since I actually did a lot today.

I wrote my husband a note yesterday, trying to explain to him what I have been thinking & feeling. I think he understands more but he still can't help me. He's worried about me. He told me not to work if I don't think I can but he can't carry the entire economic load for our family himself! I don't want him to!

I just don't know where all of these negative feelings are coming from. I'm wondering if I should go to the hospital & check in for a mental evaluation. I've never had one before & I wonder how well I've been diagnosed in the past on an out-patient basis regarding my depression.

Kim/Tangodream

[bipolarbearV]

Originally Posted by tangodream

I am sorry, Rhiannonsmoon, that you have become agoraphobic.

I really am not afraid to go out of the house. Today I had to go to an adoption event for a dog I am fostering & then two pet sitting jobs (I'm a pet-sitter). While I didn't really enjoy today's adoption event as I normally would have, I was able to handle it & smile & answer people's questions. The pet sitting jobs are a breeze because there is no one in the client's homes but the pets I'm taking care of. My husband goes with me sometimes to help on the pet sitting jobs.

Then, when I got home, I had to get on the phone & duke it out with the mortgage company, again! That really drained me.

Tonight, I'm just feeling totally spent, drained, and disappointed in myself. My joints are hurting & I feel all foggy. I'm not sure why I'm disappointed in myself since I actually did a lot today.

Kim, you haven't mentioned if you have gone to a p-doc (a psychiatrist, MD or a PhD) or a t-doc a therapist (MS or PhD) Only the psychiatrist the MD,can precribe meds. Many communities have mental health centers where all types of medical and group therapies go on, often on a sliding pay scale. I know you don't have much money, but this is definetly worth looking into, esp. for an evaluation. I don't think you need to go to the mental hospital for a check out though unless you are truly suicidal or a threat to other people. Many drug companies also offer either free or almost free psych drugs to those who need it. You have so many problems right now that I would be evaluated and I think therapy might help you. Of course I'm no Doctor, though. Good luck with your search.

My therapist said she would cure me with crazy glue!

I wrote my husband a note yesterday, trying to explain to him what I have been thinking & feeling. I think he understands more but he still can't help me. He's worried about me. He told me not to work if I don't think I can but he can't carry the entire economic load for our family himself! I don't want him to!

I just don't know where all of these negative feelings are coming from. I'm wondering if I should go to the hospital & check in for a mental evaluation. I've never had one before & I wonder how well I've been diagnosed in the past on an out-patient basis regarding my depression.

Kim/Tangodream

My computer is still saying this is too short. Just trying something.

[tangodream]

Originally Posted by bipolarbearV

My computer is still saying this is too short. Just trying something.

I have had thoughts about suicide but only thoughts, within the last week or so. I have not planned anything out...because I already know how I'd do it, if I were desperate enough.

I see a psychiatic nurse for my medications. I'm not seeing a therapist or a P-Doc right now.

Kim

[bipolarbearV]

Originally Posted by tangodream

I have had thoughts about suicide but only thoughts, within the last week or so. I have not planned anything out...because I already know how I'd do it, if I were desperate enough.

I see a psychiatic nurse for my medications. I'm not seeing a therapist or a P-Doc right now.

Kim

Kim, Oh I feel so bad for you. I think you know what to do. I think it would be better if you found a p-doc (MD) who can give you better advice. If you can't do that, well then, maybe you should check into a m. hosp. just to make sure you are safe. An easier and cheaper way to do it is to have someone who loves you and who could stand up to you if need be, stay with you 24/7 until you are over this hump.

I care. Please do write me or this site back to tell of us of your progress. Don't do anything impulsive except go see an p-doc!

[tangodream]

I know I need to see a P-doc, but by starting a new job tomorrow, it is going to be hard to immediately ask for time off from work so I can go to the various doctors & a dentist without risking losing the job. The job is at a small company in the USA, one small enough not to be covered by certain laws that protect people when they or a family member gets ill.

My husband would stay with me 24/7 if he could, but he can't. My brother is too involved in his own life, my father & I are not very close, & my sister has her own maritial, emotional, & physical problems right now that are tearing her life apart. My mother is dead. No one can has with me 24/7, expect my step-kids, and I can't do that to them!

I kind of figured out how I'd end my life when I had my first breakdown when I was 19 years old. I've had that stuck in my head since then, somewhere in the deep shadowns in good times & right in front of me in the bad times.

My husband says my health comes first--he keeps offering to work a 2nd job so I don't have to work. He works 12 hours a day outside in a rail yard four or five days a week unsually...yet he'd do that for me. I said back to him, you're health is important too & you can't do that.

Why does life have to be so crazy?

Kim

[bipolarbearV]

Originally Posted by tangodream

I know I need to see a P-doc, but by starting a new job tomorrow, it is going to be hard to immediately ask for time off from work so I can go to the various doctors & a dentist without risking losing the job. The job is at a small company in the USA, one small enough not to be covered by certain laws that protect people when they or a family member gets ill.

My husband would stay with me 24/7 if he could, but he can't. My brother is too involved in his own life, my father & I are not very close, & my sister has her own maritial, emotional, & physical problems right now that are tearing her life apart. My mother is dead. No one can has with me 24/7, expect my step-kids, and I can't do that to them!

I kind of figured out how I'd end my life when I had my first breakdown when I was 19 years old. I've had that stuck in my head since then, somewhere in the deep shadowns in good times & right in front of me in the bad times.

My husband says my health comes first--he keeps offering to work a 2nd job so I don't have to work. He works 12 hours a day outside in a rail yard four or five days a week unsually...yet he'd do that for me. I said back to him, you're health is important too & you can't do that.

Why does life have to be so crazy?

Kim

Kim, I feel so bad for you right now so I'm sending you some much deserved . What will you be doing in your new job? I hope you like it. One good thing about it is that you will be with others for 8-9 hrs./day plus the time getting ready for work and driving there too will keep your mind on the positive side. I wish I could come up there and help you but that's not possible either. Yeh, sometimes life does 'muck' doesn't it?

Please send me your e-mail if you want so that I can send you a card to lift your spirits. It is unlike any other e-card you have ever seen. I'm ccampbll@ymail.com (note no E in last name, me E key stuck) Looking forward to hearing from you. I wish you much luck and new friends and opportunities. Your (hopeful) friend, bipolarbearv.