[Richardrahl]

I don't even know where to begin with all this, it just seems like my life is just falling apart and I cant do anything about it, everyday gets harder and harder and Im beginning to wonder if its all really worth it. Im no stranger to the difficulties of life and Ive always tried to do my best to deal with these things but no matter what I do nothing gets any better, I just feel all broken inside, I destroy my friendships and relationships, and push away those that get close to me. Its tearing my life apart. a few years ago I was just a normal guy without any real worries or problems, now Im 32 year old who is rapidly losing control of his life. I spend all of my time depressed, and dont know how to cope anymore.

[Perna]

Richard, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I'm so sorry you're feeling so down on yourself at the moment. Have you seen a doctor or therapist for your depression? A lot of us here have felt the way you describe! Tell us more, we'll listen.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Richard,

Welcome to PC; I'm really sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to deal with when all we want it to be happy and healthy.

As perna said, you should see a therapist or doctor and find out if meds are an option.

We're here to support you as much as we can and to let you know you are not alone in this,

Rhiannon

[Richardrahl]

Sorry I'm not used to using forums this is my first time. My biggest problem is that I am a freelance English teacher and spend most of my time in Spain and travel back to the UK every month or 2 depending on how busy I am, so I dont have enough time in the uk to seek therapy and while my Spanish is good I don't have the vocabulary or time to seek therapy in Spain.
All I really know is that my good days are becoming less and less frequent and its started to affect all areas in my life.

[barleysmile]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'd say keep a daily journal so you can get your feelings on paper. Also, when you look back on a journal you can often see patterns and come to understand yourself better. Not much I can contribute here really except to say welcome to the party and sorry your hurting.

[pegasus]

Hello Richard and welcome to Psych Central.

One in four people in the UK suffer from a severe mental health problem in the UK, so you are not alone.

I would suggest going to your GP and explaining your situation and how you are feeling at the moment. You are able to hold down a job at the moment but you are struggling. There is the 'Improving access to Psychological therapies' programme which your GP will know about. He/she can refer you to one of these where you can see a therapist and I feel CBT would be helpful for you. Some of the CBT therapies only last 10 -16 sessions. If you feel you cannot do this because of your work, there is a computer based CBT course called, 'Beating the blues.' Your GP should know about this also. There is also self-help literature that your GP can point you to. If not, your local MIND can provide you with any information you need.

Your health needs to come first, that includes your psychological health, joining PC will help as you can talk to people that understand. I hope the information I have provided here will help you.

Take care.

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by Richardrahl

Sorry I'm not used to using forums this is my first time. My biggest problem is that I am a freelance English teacher and spend most of my time in Spain and travel back to the UK every month or 2 depending on how busy I am, so I dont have enough time in the uk to seek therapy and while my Spanish is good I don't have the vocabulary or time to seek therapy in Spain.
All I really know is that my good days are becoming less and less frequent and its started to affect all areas in my life.

I am sorry to tell you this but YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, YOU ARE ILL. I will share a bit of my story of how far a dug myself in a hole before I started to participate in my recovery.

It has been a long, arduous seven years since my diagnosis. I have had to endure several years of the doctors adjusting medication that are absolutely necessary but have horrible side effects. I had to relinquish custody of my little girl as I was to sick to care for her and did not want to model dysfunction for her. I had to resign from my career in biomedical research at a university as I was to sick to work. I have been hospitalized on psych units where I was denied my support system and my dignity. I have had to endure the judgement of friends and family members shrinking away from me, due to the stigma of mental illness, almost as if I was contagious. I have survived four extreme suicide attempts. Finally, I gave up on myself and isolated, rarely leaving my home. I abandonded all of my interests; reading, quilting, cooking, going to the beach. I felt like all my accomplishments were negated by my illness and I was little more than a drain on what few societal resources there are. I even got to the point when I rarely bathed, did laundry, fed myself or get out of bed. As badly as I did not want to live, I didn't even bother with suicide attempts anymore as I failed at my previous efforts. All my accomplishments in life were invalidated by my disorder and I had no hope, no inspiration and I didn't even care anymore. I drove away anyone who tried to help me because I knew I was beyond help. I was little more than a drain on what little societal resources there were. I stopped eating and went off my meds because someone else would be better off if it weren't for my consumption. I felt my little girl would benefit from my life insurance policy. It ended in a suicide attempt where I was in the hospital, a ventilator breathing for me, unresponsive to even pain for nine days. I failed again, so I did the last logical thing I could think of, I decided to live.
I find the best way to get out of the hole you are in is to quit digging. Doing what you are doing is obviously not working so, do something else. Rather than driving others away, try saying hello and smiling at someone, regardless of how you feel. As scary as it is, keep posting and tell on your disease. Congratulate yourself on even the smallest of victories. Sometimes, its all I can do just to get out of bed and then make the bed, even if I plan to pull down the covers and crawl back in. Do not isolate, if that means just going to the grocery store when you don't need anything, do it. Participate in life, after all, you are alive. Its still a decision that I have to make every day when I get out of bed. Am I going to live in the solution or will I let my disorder overcome me? Everyday. Recovery isnt something you get, it is something you do. You can't do it alone, you will need a support system. Someone is always here, talk to a doctor, call 3 people each day even to only say hello and hang up again.
Regardless, take that phrase "broken" out of your vocabulary. It is negative self talk. The more you say you are, the more you will become. Try looking in the mirror and smile and find something beautiful in your image - its there, I know it is. Come up with a list of pick-me-ups, things that are realitively small but their accomplishments may bring you a sense of victory. Painting the house is doesn't qualify as a pick-me-up but maybe washing out the inside of your refridgerator would be a quick and easy victory. Play your stereo or IPod and sing out loud to songs and bring you happiness. Another thing I do today is go to the greeting card isle and start reading the funny cards.
Whatever you do, quit digging that hole. I have been down there myself and it is very difficult to get back out, even if that takes hollering at the top of you lungs.
Today, I am relatively happy even though I have bad day along with the good. There are so many components to address should you choose recover. I wish you my best and no matter what, dont' give up
ptk

[sunsetsunrise]

wowwwwwww promisestokeep, Thank you. Thats one amazing and inspirational story you told. Grateful to read it.
Richard, In addition to everything that promises suggested, would you also be willing to see a doctor to get on some meds? My pdoc is a homeopath. But I get some rx meds from my regular doctor. Getting a good diagnosis and some medication for the depression from a psychiatrist is better I am sure. But if you cant get to one of those, then a regular MD could probably prescribe meds for depression. I am glad you are here Richard. I think you have come to a place where people care a lot. And will support you to find your way out of the downward spiral into depression. And remember, as promises said, "you are not broken !! As the lyrics to a song say:
....I hear, the tears have spoken
I’m hurt, but I’m not broken.....

[WikidPissah]

Sorry things are so crappy right now. I will tell you that it can get better. Seeing a general md would be a good start. Then finding a counselor in the UK next time you're there. Be upfront about the timing thing, perhaps they can do phone check-ins when you are not in the UK. Seeing a counselor every month or two would be better then not seeing one at all, and he/she could have some really good suggestions. Just don't try to go it alone, that never works.

[Butterflyangel]

Welcome ,
We all feel this way, but the others are right. You have depression like the rest of us. Keep your chin up and keep talking to us. We are listening and understanding.