[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I haven't started a thread in a very long time. I have become very scared of doing so. I am worried that no one will even care to even read what is written as they see the name next to the title, and if read no on will say anything. I know this is my problem, and not anyone elses and am not saying that.

I have begun to feel that I don't belong here anymore. Meaning PC, but am having the thoughts of don't belong anywhere too. I have been giving this a lot of thought, and have wanted to post this for a while now, but have been really scared to do so. I know I shouldn't care so much as to what others may say, but I care deeply about what others say and I know that I am not the only one that has this.

I have been struggling back in the depression "mode" if you want to call it that for about 3-4 weeks. Sometimes not so bad, other times it's pretty bad. I have a lot of good things that have happened to me, and so that is why am so puzzled as to why this is coming on now. I have my own appartment now, which it has been over 2 years of living with family, I have my own car as of today as well. So I am independent again and right now I could care less about any of these things. Don't get me wrong it's a great thing that I have here, but I don't feel it is great. I feel I do NOT deserve any of these things. I mean if I had the money to do so I would get in my car and drive and not look back. I just don't know what is going on right now.

I saw my pdoc today and he did adjust some meds and give me a different anti-anxiety med. Who knows if any of this is going to work, but will give it a try. I had to decide which med to not pick up at the pharmacy today cause I don't have enough money for it. It is only $1 and I can't even get enough dimes and nickels together for that. Just makes me sick to my stomach that I am like this. I get paid on the 3rd and hope the med won't run out, but it is going to by then am sure. I know it's only $1 and can ask a friend or my mom or someone to help me out with that, but I have asked WAY TOO much of them already.

I see my T on Wednesday and right now I really have no clue why I even go see her. It's too painful to go. So much has happened...a few people I have known have passed away, and my niece was very seriously injured in an atv accident yesterday and had to have emergency surgery. She is only 5 and very brittle cause she is very small for her age... I just feel so bad for the suffering she has had to go through her little life so far. She was adopted from China and had spina bifida (sp) when born...has had surgery and has to wear a diapper the rest of her life and be cathed. She will be starting kindergarten Monday with a pink cast on her left arm.

Wow, am just rambling on and on. Didn't mean to post this much, and am really sorry to bore you all. please forgive me. i am very sorry.

Anyways, to anyone that listened thanks and am sorry this really didn't make much sense.

Jen

[lynn P.]

(((jen29))) - I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Please don't be afraid to post - there are many people who are happy to hear how you feel. I'm sorry to hear of your families recent losses and your niece getting injured - praying for a speedy recovery. You're welcome to post here anytime.

[NuckingFutz]

Sending you lots of hugs! Hang in there Jen! You are priceless!

[tryingtobeme]

Jen, thank you for posting. I know this is hard for you but I commend you for coming out and doing it. I'm here for you so if you need anything, please, please let me know. You know how to get a hold of me. Prays, love, and peace coming your way.

[lonegael]

Thanks for posting, Jen. I'm glad to see you managed to, even though it was so difficult. it sounds like you are really down right now, and i really hope that things are looking up. I'm so glad hat your niece's surgery went well and that she sould be helped after the accident. You are right, that is a lot for a little girl to go through on top of everything else, but at least she is tough enough to try stuff out and bounce back. hang in there, and I really wish I couod pull you out of the swamp with my words, dear. HUGGGGSSS

[jen29]

Thank you everyone for all the thoughts. I really am in need of them right now. I don't really know what to say besides am just hurting.

hugs,
jen

[Miracle1986]

(((jen)))
Keep posting...
we are here to listen.

[WikidPissah]

sorry you're in the deep of it right now. i know how bad it sux, i have often wanted to just jump in my car and drive to anywhere but here. the desire to disappear is overwhelming when you are depressed. i'm not good with words, but my thoughts are with you.

((((((((((((jen))))))))))))

[jen29]

thanks everyone for your continued support.

right now i feel like the worst piece of crap that is on this earth. from the memories from childhood to memories of an adult...they are dragging me down. everytime i blink...so it seems....is a new vision in my eyes. i just am to the point i don't care anymore. i don't even know why am feeling so down when so many good things have come my way. anyways.
jen

[googley]

((((((Jen)))))

We are here for you. We want to read what you have to write. Please keep sharing. How is your new apartment? Do you like it? Have you got everything organized or are you still organizing? Let us know.

[jen29]

((((googly))))

I do really like my apt. It's just the right size for me. I have everything unpacked and pretty well organized. I just need to hang pics and get my bedroom a little more clear...but all in all everything is pretty much done. This is the first apt. in a very long time (prob. over 9 years) that I have unpacked all the way and put out things. Usually I am not comfortable in my new places that have lived. I have moved at least 30 times in my life so I just kept moving one place to another, but this place is safe and secure for me.

Hugs,
jen

[googley]

I'm glad that you like your apartment. I'm also glad you are almost all organized. I love it when I get my stuff all organized and feel like I have taken over a place (though most of my places so far have been dorm rooms). I'm happy that you are feeling safe in your new place.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( jen29 ))))))))))))))))

[jen29]

had a really bad T appt. today. i kept telling her i wanted to leave and started to leave and she wouldn't let me. She wanted me to stay and talk to her about what is going on. i couldn't tell her the new memory cause i don't think it's true. she told me how upset i was and the look on my face told her that i wasn't making it up. i hate memories and i want no more to do with them. i can't deal with this anymore and while in t session i was hurting myself...i didn't realize it till she was telling me to stop.
and last night got in a fight w/cousin and she just got really mad at me and told me i was having a pitty party...i told her it's true, and told her i know i have good things happening and should be happy and greatful, i am greatful, but not happy. i just didn't talk to her after that and i don't know if i can for a while.
anyways, i don't even know if any of this makes sense to anyone.
jen

[Butterflyangel]

I hope things get better for you. I also hope that your neice is doing well. My son has a lot of health problems so I can relate to your fear for your neice. I also can relate to the cash flow problem. It seems to be and on going thing. But hopefully we can be strong enough to pull through even if we don't feel we can be. Wishing you luck.....

[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I haven't left my bed at all today, and I am just going to stay here. I can't stand myself and hate for all that i have done. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I don't want to bother anyone anymore with my stuff, and I don't want to go back to T next week.
my T told me to call if I really need to and if I had bad thoughts. I told her I was never calling her again when i left and didn't give her a chance to say anything about that. I feel bad for getting so angry at her, but what is calling her going to do? I need to just deal with this on my own from now on.
jen

[googley]

(((((((((Jen)))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.

[jen29]

called T earlier, didn't call back...sure she busy.
want to hurt myself and just end it all. can't take no more.
thanks for everything and all the nice things you all said.

jen

[Sabrina]

Oh Jen, this will pass hon. Try to hang in there. I know it sounds really trite but please try to be kind to yourself.
Will think of you.

[lynn P.]

Yes I agree with Sabrina - this bad time will pass. Have you ever tried meditation Jen - there are free sessions on the internet. When I feel over whelmed I pretend to put all my problems in a box, high up in a closet. Nothing needs to be solved right now - all you have to do is take care of yourself with eating well and resting, maybe go for a walk. Take slow deep breaths and clear your mind and you're going to be okay.

[NeedHelp4Depression]

Originally Posted by jen29

Hi everyone,

I haven't started a thread in a very long time. I have become very scared of doing so. I am worried that no one will even care to even read what is written as they see the name next to the title, and if read no on will say anything. I know this is my problem, and not anyone elses and am not saying that.

I have begun to feel that I don't belong here anymore. Meaning PC, but am having the thoughts of don't belong anywhere too. I have been giving this a lot of thought, and have wanted to post this for a while now, but have been really scared to do so. I know I shouldn't care so much as to what others may say, but I care deeply about what others say and I know that I am not the only one that has this.

I have been struggling back in the depression "mode" if you want to call it that for about 3-4 weeks. Sometimes not so bad, other times it's pretty bad. I have a lot of good things that have happened to me, and so that is why am so puzzled as to why this is coming on now. I have my own appartment now, which it has been over 2 years of living with family, I have my own car as of today as well. So I am independent again and right now I could care less about any of these things. Don't get me wrong it's a great thing that I have here, but I don't feel it is great. I feel I do NOT deserve any of these things. I mean if I had the money to do so I would get in my car and drive and not look back. I just don't know what is going on right now.

I saw my pdoc today and he did adjust some meds and give me a different anti-anxiety med. Who knows if any of this is going to work, but will give it a try. I had to decide which med to not pick up at the pharmacy today cause I don't have enough money for it. It is only $1 and I can't even get enough dimes and nickels together for that. Just makes me sick to my stomach that I am like this. I get paid on the 3rd and hope the med won't run out, but it is going to by then am sure. I know it's only $1 and can ask a friend or my mom or someone to help me out with that, but I have asked WAY TOO much of them already.

I see my T on Wednesday and right now I really have no clue why I even go see her. It's too painful to go. So much has happened...a few people I have known have passed away, and my niece was very seriously injured in an atv accident yesterday and had to have emergency surgery. She is only 5 and very brittle cause she is very small for her age... I just feel so bad for the suffering she has had to go through her little life so far. She was adopted from China and had spina bifida (sp) when born...has had surgery and has to wear a diapper the rest of her life and be cathed. She will be starting kindergarten Monday with a pink cast on her left arm.

Wow, am just rambling on and on. Didn't mean to post this much, and am really sorry to bore you all. please forgive me. i am very sorry.

Anyways, to anyone that listened thanks and am sorry this really didn't make much sense.

Jen

My boyfriend's brother got into a car accident last week. His wrist was broken in the accident and he has a bruise on his chest from where the airbag hit him. I think he's recovering okay though since he's gotten back to work now. I hope your niece is recovering well too.

Take care Jen.

[jen29]

Hi everyone,
sorry haven't said anything for a while. Thank you for all the wonderful advise and words of wisdom. I put myself in the hospital on the 27th and got out a week later. Shortest stay ever for me in a psych unit. My friend took me in and was wonderful to me. I did take pills, but not to kill me, but to numb me out and my mind from the body memories and pain inside. I ended up waking up 14 hours later or so and went back to sleep and then i called my friend and told her and she asked me if she could take me to the hospital...so i said yes cause i knew what would happen next.

anyways, am home and the next day i was in the er for severe pain, but am fine.

thanks again for all the nice words and thoughts.

hugs,
jen

[googley]

I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed! I'm glad you are okay.