Scared to post....

hey Jen,

I'm sorry for everything you are going through and feeling. i only read your postings so i'm not sure what others have said. u were saying u weren't sure why u were feeling this way, and that u have a new place and a new car. i'm wondering if u are scared of these things? that although u want them and they are good things, maybe u are scared for that independence because u aren't used to it? scared u will mess it up? i'm not sure, i could be way off. just thought i'd ask and see if it struck anything for u.
obviously i don't know what your memories are of, and i'm sure if they are evoking such a response in you that they are unpleasant. but it's important to work through them. going to see your therapist and working through it. sounds like u are taking the right steps to get through it. and i know when u get so close to certain wounds in yourself it is really frightening to feel that way again and re-live that pain. but it's necessary for healing. have u heard of EMDR? ask your T about it. i've done it before and it's a great tool for taking the emotional response out of painful memories. maybe that will help u work through it better?

i hope u are well! xoxo

LittleMissSunshine,
Thanks so much for your response. yes I am def. scared of new things, especially living on my own again because I have failed at being independent everytime I have tried. I either end up in a group home or back with a family member, but most of the time I have had to move because I was not mentally stable and ended up in a group home. But this time I feel so safe here and secure. I know people, well at least they seem to know me and are very nice to me. i am actually going to a picnic here today with all the tenents or whoever wants to go. So that should be ok.
yes the memories are horrible and I don't want to believe they are true...so i call them visions, but the body is getting memories too and it's so hard to explain I guess.
Anyways, I have not tried EMDR and I don't think my T does that, but she is helping me as much as I am letting her at this point. I am fighting these memories hugely with her because of what I see in the visions and feel in my body.
Anyways, ty very much for your thoughts and questions. i really do appreciate it.
hugs,
jen

WHy are you resisting telling her? How would it be harmful to try and work throgh these memories instead of struggling with them alone?

(((((((((((((( jen29 )))))))))))))))

no worries Jen, enjoy the picnic!!! and take a look into EMDR, they can't really explain how it works, but it does! it's used a lot to help people with phobias and stuff (i had a friend do it for her fear of flying) it's really quite amazing.

I know all will start to ease eventually, so don't give up hope! you made a great choice coming back here! i know i did too! we're here for you!

SophiaG,

I am not sure as the reason am not telling her, ever since I started experiencing memories I am so resistant to telling her about them because I do NOT want to believe their true. She tells me that the way I act when some of them come out in Therapy session is so uncomfortable for me that I need to get them out. I know it's probably for the best to come out and say these things to her. Sometimes I don't remember what have told her cause I dissociate a lot of the time when i start to tell about them. Anyways, maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone, but to me it's so uncomfortable that it terrifies me.
anyways, am rambling and not really know what am saying.
hugs,
jen

It may feel scary...but when you finally stop running from what scares you and let your therapist help you. I think it might make things better for you.

So is there a point to life anymore?

I have T tomorrow and I so don't want to go. i don't even know what to say. I thought about writing something to my T but i don't even know how to start. I can't stand myself anymore. I thought I was ok when I came home, actually I was ok for 2 days maybe, and now am back down again. Didn't last very long this time.

Thinking I am not going to get better anymore. maybe I am not supposed to do or maybe I don't want to, but when I think about that, I do want to get better, but it's not working. I try to be open, I want to say things to my T about how bad I hurt, but then it's to hard to say it...I don't know anymore.

Thinking is there a point to going to T anymore, taking meds anymore? I don't know...I can't make a simple decision right now. I don't know why that happens or what it means.

I should be happy right? I have a nice place to live and a vehicle now. I have things that have wanted for a while and am on my own...isn't that enough? Why am I so selfish?

Jen

thinking these things is a good sign to keep seeing your T and being on meds. Though maybe time to see about boosting meds or changing them? i don't know what u are on now, maybe anti-anxiety stuff might help?

please dont think u are selfish. u aren't. u are just in need right now. u can do it jen! not sure how into music u are, it's a huge thing in my life, maybe get some super positive and/or inspirational songs and make a playlist. listen to it when u are feeling down. do something to make yourself laugh, my one friend likes to really over indulge in a negative emotion when she's feeling it- so if u are feeling overly selfish, maybe put on a tiara and declare yourself queen of everything. just walk around the house over dramatizing it, it takes a lot of the seriousness out of it. (note- do it in private, other might not understand. hahahahah)