Assaulted by Worthlessness Feelings

So, I met this girl and...she may like me. I talked to her last night a bit and things seemed to be going well.

But then, when the conversation was over. I had a panic attack. Like, she told me she wanted to get to know me better. And After the conversation I thought about these words and I began to panic.

Right now I am on a Leave of Absence from school due to depression.

I volunteer 3 hours a week at a deaf center.

Other than that I dont get out much.

I just imagined telling her that and immiediately felt like a worthless piece of ****. Like, if I tell her this, that she'll see what a pathetic loser I am.

I hate love. Maybe this is why it scares me so much. Deep down inside I feel like i am so messed up and that love brings this messed up part of me, which i usually keep hidden, to the fore.

The messed up part of me that is depressed.
The messed up part of me that is on meds.
The messed up part of me that feels I will not go anywhere in life.
The destructive messed up part of me that wishes I didn't exist.
The messed up part of me that doesnt know what I want from life.
The messed up part of me that is stagnant, but I usually try to keep hidden.

I just kept thinking last night...

one day of stagnancy turns into two.

Two turns into a week.

a week turns into a month.

a month into a year.

a year into a life time.

And I felt horrible.

Catastrophic Thinking for the win. -_-

*sigh*

Everyone tells you that you need to work on yourself before you can date. Something tells me that we all just want to be accepted: foibles and all.

SophiaG,
You are a worthwhile person. You are not your illness. And even depression, awful and isolating as it is, can have a way of connecting us to other people. (Ever made or deepened a connection with someone over shared pain? For example, just yesterday, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and ended up having a very meaningful conversation with someone after the meeting with someone with a story similar to mine.I think I find myself MORE interested in getting to know people who haven't been dealt the easiest hand of cards, who have had to overcome some difficult stuff in their lives, but are surviving all the same.)

My point is, that this woman is obviously seeing something positive in you, something she would like to know better. You are already OK, "foibles and all" (as you put it.) Seeing where the relationship might go does carry with it the risk of being hurt... but if you feel the same way about her, it could bring some good things into your life as well. Not that any of us are ever "cured" by a relationship, but we are enriched by them.

for some reason, a poem by Mary Oliver is coming to mind, so I'll share it here.

Wild Geese (by Mary Oliver)

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Hello, Sophia. The negative stuff is so devastating. Debunk the distortions and ban the negative chatter.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/

Perhaps you have to accept yourself, foibles and all?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

Good luck.

Dear Sophia,

Please don't let your self doubt, keep you from pursuing, what could very well be a great, fulfilling relationship.

I wish you the best,

Larry

((((((((Sophia)))))))))))


The thoughts of worthlessness get to me sometimes too, especially when I'm meeting new people because I feel like I'm constantly hiding something from them. But you need to remind yourself that there is nothing WRONG with being depressed or taking medication for it, any more than there's anything wrong with having diabetes and needing medication for that. It's a health condition, not a deficiency in your personality. And you may be pleasantly surprised by this girl's -- or anyone else's -- reaction when you tell them. When I told my boyfriend that I was taking antidepressants he just said "Oh, okay." And that was that. Sometimes we let our negative thinking build this up to something we think we should be ashamed of, but it's not! It's a totally valid medical condition and the fact that you're getting treatment for it speaks to your STRENGTH of character, not any kind of weakness. It's not easy to get help for this kind of thing. Besides, anyone who judges or disvalues you because of your depression is not worth having around in the first place.

If you're uncomfortable sharing with this girl about your depression right off the bat, that's fine. You're just getting to know each other. It's not something that has to come out right away because honestly, it's nobody's business but your own. Tell her if you feel it's right, if you feel you can trust her. Show her how kind and caring and fun you are for now ... there will be plenty of time for the other stuff later.

Sending lots of gentle hugs.

did u just pluck that out of my head? i feel the same way. my boyfriend just broke up with me 2 weeks ago and i'm back to square one. struggling cuz i still want to be with him. but it's true, u do need to work on u first. i thought i had worked on me, but it wasn't enough yet. too many unhealthy habits still kicking around that cause distruction when it comes to relationships.

so true. just want some one to love us no matter what. everyone in the world is just trying to get by and be accepted. we just want to feel like we belong. we feel so separate from everyone when we suffer. but the best thing my mom ever said to me was "we're all a part of the walking wounded" everyone's got their pains, their sufferings, their secrets, their heartaches.

hang in there. learn how to love yourself on your own. all of you. i say this still trying to do just that. one thing that has helped me immensly was getting a favourite picture of myself as a little girl (i'm 4 in the one i chose) and when i start to talk negatively to myself i look at that little girl (she sits on my computer desk) and ask myself "would you say those things to that little girl?" and the answer is no. i wouldn't. and that little girl is me. you gotta be kind to yourself. be gentle and caring. cuz we are all just scared little kids on the inside.
the other thing i did, just last night infact (and i cannot believe how much lighter i feel now) was picture everything i'm feeling-all my sadness and worries and stress and anger and hate and fear, everything- and imagined that that little girl was feeling those things. and i asked myself how i would console her. and i imagined it and wrote it down andi observed how i felt how i felt in my body and what i was thinking. and i just kept on consoling her until she felt safe and she felt better. cuz you have to be your own best friend. and after knowing that for years, this is the first time i've understood how to do that. or at least what seems to work for me.

i hope this helps in some way, if none other than knowing that we are all walking with you among the rest of the wounded.

(((((((((((((( SophiaG )))))))))))))))

no,you can love and you will find a good person who can love and accept you inspite of your depression ,sophia you deserve love .

(((((SophiaG))))

oh dear duckling I am sorry I didn't see this sooner (you must update me!!)

You are NOT worthless or a pathetic loser or anything at all like that.

You are bright, funny, loving and caring person.

We all hit bumps in the road, but it doesn't make us worthless or anything of the sort.

I encourage you to pursue this and see what happens! (and of course keep me updated on it)

Always here for you hun, and of course cheering you on! *quacks*

Lots and lots of love
Typo

Hey there Sophia, just a thought:

True. I both agree and disagree. If you're not aware of the problem, and are unwilling to work to get yourself better, likelihood is your problem will interfere in the relationship. Since you're not willing to make it better, well.. it'll fall upon the other person in the relationship and probably mess things up.

In your case, I think you're trying to get help, and you're trying to get better. Although its harder to start a relationship if you have a mental issue, or a physical one for that matter, it is not impossible. I can say that 100% sure. My boyfriend and I are going strong over 2 years after we met/ got together. I have gotten WORSE while with him, and BETTER. He has seen the very WORST of all my mental problems. And our relationship is still here. So it IS 100% possible to have a relationship, but you DO need to work hard, and be willing to try your best to take care of yourself.

So please don't give up hope