it's been awhile since I've been here...

I have not posted in the depression forum for quite awhile but here I am again depressed and feeling the all too familiar feelings of why do I keep trying, what is there for me, is this as good as it gets?

I posted a couple of posts about my depression and avoiding the pain by sleeping for long hours in the PTSD forum but either nobody much read my posts or nobody cares. Or both. I am not asking you to care. I would never dare to ask somebody to feel something that is not sincere.

I don't know much what happens from here. I have been increasing my meds so I can sleep longer without having to awaken. For the past couple of weeks I have been having nightmares about guns and being assaulted and shootings and stuff and this week I increased my dose of xanax and added a Lortab each night. Some nights I have taken temazepam which I had quit taking several months ago because I think it is too strong for me and may be what has caused my aphasia but right now I don't care. I just want to be unconscious. I not anywhere near overdosing the amounts just taking the maximum dosages I was prescribed. If really wanted to OD I would add alcohol but I don't want to cause my death (yet) though it wouldn't be such a terrible thing if I never woke up, would it?

I sent emails to my pdoc last week and again today. I know he is busy. Not really sure what he can do anyway but wish he could help me bear this burden.

(((Yoda))) - I know you're a proud person but I'm happy to support you genuinely during this difficult time. I wonder if the whole reality show filming and the problems with getting jobs done...then the dishonest guy - resulted in this crash. You had to be revved up everyday, coping with the chaos - I'm sure the hoarding had strong emotional connections. Did they offer you additional counseling, to deal with how your emotions were connected to the hoarding. If you don't make this emotional correlation - you may go back to the same pattern.

I feel concerned with your desire to hibernate and shut out everything. Is this how you usually cope? Have you ever tried meditation? There are free sessions on the internet...I've tried it and it's surprisingly relaxing. I wish I could offer more and know that we care about you.

((((((( Yoda! )))))))

The care is there, but fear I've not the discernment or knowledge to match. You ARE doing a lot to cope with the current pain. I'm sorry the results are not optimal.

Sleep is great, but if it isn't genuinely refreshing sleep then it helps little. Have you ever had a sleep study? Unfortunately, in my experience, the folks running sleep studies almost always look exclusively for signs of sleep apnea. If they find it, they say, "Ah-ha! there's the problem." If they don't find it, they throw up their hands in resignation. Too few look beyond to the nature of your "sleep architecture."

The aphasia is also a concern...

(((Yoda)))

Gentle hugs to you. I do care ~ I know that doesn't you feel better at all, I know. If you haven't heard from your doctor yet, I'd recommend calling again and be a bit more open with how you're feeling. That way, the nurse understands that you seriously need his/her assistance to help you through.

You are in my thoughts...

Please call your doctor (p or T). Sleep apnea can be a very dangerous thing, especially on high dosages of knock out medications. That's an accident waiting to happen there. I know that there are many people who would be very sad & stricken if you weren't to wake up in the morning. I am one of them ~ please reach out again.

In the meantime, we're always willing to listen. You've certainly listened to us, sharing your wisdom & kindness many times. We're there for you too!

I am in quite a depressive state for quite a few days now. The only respite is sleep. I have an appt with my Pdoc Monday afternoon. I am trying so hard to hold it together until then.

I keep asking myself why choose life? There is only one thing that keeps me alive now - knowing my son still needs me. I wonder when he will stop needing me.

I won't bother you to list my problems because you can't fix them. I am not sure even if I can fix them. I know for sure I cannot do anything in this depressive state. I wish it would just get better or get worse and be done with it.

***Sitting holding your hand****


I used to feel the same bleak feelings when over about twelve years my life turned around, tenfold!!

I sincerely wish this for you

Yes, yes, I do have sleep apnea. I have a CPAP machine. It works fine when I am sleeping except for when the cat steps on the buttons and turns it off.

Yoda,

YOu still have a great sense of humor. Your cat should be ashamed of himself for shutting off your cpap! My hubby sleeps with one too....

He scared the crap out of our grandson a few years ago when gs walked into our bedroom as grandpa was going to lay down and take an afternoon nap. He had the face mask part on, but the hose part was not hooked up to the machine part, it was just swinging loose in front of him When gs walked in, his eyes grew as big as golf balls and he dropped to his knees and crawled out the door. (he is mildly autistic and was about 7 at the time). It was so funny, but I felt bad that it scared him so much.

Hope my little story cheered you up. Keep your appt with your pdoc on Monday and know you have tons of support here. Please be careful with mixing all those meds. I'm no doc, but even though you are taking the correct dosage, it is the combination of everything that worries me about what you are taking. Remember Anna Nicole Smith?

We are all pulling for you Yoda.

Gentle hugs to you

(((Yoda)))

**Sitting beside you**

Yoda I am proud of you for getting rid of your clutter. We all need to do that. At least, I do. -_-

Must. Go. Declutter!

But in all seriousness it requires bravery what you are doing and i am proud of you. ^_^

(((((My Friend Yoda))))) Sorry you're having such a rough time, and I hope your Pdoc is able to help you find some more effective meds and coping techniques during this period.

It sounds to me like you are depressed about being depressed; this can more than double the load, especially if you allow yourself to ponder big questions that are impossible to answer even when we're not depressed. Try to set those aside for now and just focus on dealing with the moment. As for your nightmares, they seem to be expressing your feelings of insecurity - of being unsafe. Since your physical environment and lifestyle have been so radically altered recently, I think it's natural for you to be experiencing this anxiety, as well as grieving for the loss of the familiar. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process to give your mind and emotions the opportunity to adjust to the new reality.

I think those of us with depression are extremely emotionally hypersensitive and are highly susceptible to emotional injury - we feel more and more deeply, especially if we are dealing with a number of medical and/or mental conditions simultaneously. I saw a nature documentary many decades ago about a bear who was seriously injured in an encounter with another bear. It went back to it's cave, curled up, and went into an unseasonal hibernation instinctively. When the bear awoke some months later, it's wounds were healed and it was able to resume its normal life. While the bear was hibernating, its body was able to devote all of its resources to healing the serious wounds because the bear was not taxing those resources by being active.

I have used a form of this same technique many times to heal from major surgeries better and more quickly, being still and quiet even though I wasn't necessarily asleep thereby allowing the body to use all of its resources to heal itself. Then I tried applying this technique to my severe depressive episodes. Just like our bodies can experience physiological overload due to illness or injury, our psyches can experience psychological/emotional overload. Since I am allergic to just about all medications, I have been forced to develop techniques for getting through my severe depressive episodes without assistance. I treat my depression the same way I would if I had a severe physical illness, and do what I call "cocooning."

I reduce mental and emotional input and output, reduce noise and distractions, watch old movies instead of TV because the commercials break my concentration and irritate me, or listen to instrumental music so there are no words demanding my attention, put on comfy clothes or PJs, pile up the pillows and blankets so I feel like I'm inside a great big hug, make a cup of chai tea with honey and milk, then I'm just still and quiet. I don't ask myself questions about anything (especially "why" and "what for"), I don't think about what isn't getting done, I don't think about anything - just float, drift. I take care of my basic needs and focus completely on what my psyche needs at that moment - and do my best to stay in the moment - just be still and quiet and allow myself to feel whatever emotions need to be felt, and do for myself whatever I find most comforting and consoling.

You have just been through some major and unsettling changes in your life, and you need to allow your psyche time to adjust to those changes which can produce feelings of loss and grief, insecurity, instability, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about what is to come in the future - leaving behind the familiar and not knowing what lies ahead. Allow yourself to just be in, deal with, and feel safe in the moment, and give yourself whatever you need in the moment. Rest does not always mean sleep - I find most often for me it means disconnecting and puttering around the house tidying or doing little projects, or just curling up in my cave to hibernate until my mind is able to handle the input and deal with the demands of the world again.

Hope you are feeling much better soon! lynn09