[Gently1]

Hello everyone,
Looking for support.
Feeling that in the near future that I will be deciding whether to move forward into healing or to lock myself in the past coping/hiding from life.

Feel control is in my hands, yet the fear of the unknown is very strong, and I don't know if I have the strength. So much energy for hanging on...
afraid to let go and claim health.

So close, yet so far, anyone else ever feel this way?

[garden gal]

Gently1,
I'm not sure exactly what you're experiencing... it sounds like you feel that you are reaching a point where you need to make some kind of decision? I don't know the situation that you are in, but a couple things I have learned from my experience are 1) try not to make huge, life-changing decisions when I am really depressed, and 2) take things one day at a time, or even 10 minutes at a time...

Could it be possible to work on healing for ten minutes, and then hide and recover for an hour, then work on healing for fifteen minutes? I guess what I'm trying to say is that things in my life rarely seem to be so black/white and either/or. For me, getting better often looks like one step forward and two steps back.

thinking of you,
garden gal

[Gently1]

Yes, I am on the edge, as I find that after working in GT, and my own exploration of my new willingness to be aware, that the small changes/steps have let me to a place where it seemed to be time to 'make a leap of faith' and step through the shield of distrust that I had built around me a long time ago and is no longer serving me.
I feel a time pressure but it is me, I really thought I would be further along - judgemental thinking. Pdoc advised forcing issues could slow down healing. Even lead to decompensation.

My distress is that I have a trait of working until I drop, and had pushed myself into another flare-up of depression. Yes 'one step forward and two back' I keep having to learn that I can not control everything, and even though it is true I am close to the fire of tranformation, it is what it is.

My decision to open up in group and trust in myself and the group wisdom, does not have a deadline. So I have decided to continue in GT and see what comes up for me at the time. Saying hello to black and white thinking as awareness, and not judging myself. If I happen to open up to new territory, it will be what and when it will be.

Thanks for the pacing advice, I follow www.flylady.net to learn how to pace my house work and now you have suggested the same fly lady idea that we are never behind just start where we are at.

Garden Gal, thank you. I am going to rest now.

[shezbut]

Gently1,

Yes, I can relate. I am kind of stuck in a similar state of mind. My depression has eased in the past few months. I am sure of that. I am in a romance, and have become completely smitten with him. However, I am very aware that my state of mind is extremely fragile.

I do worry about leaning upon my bf too much; over-reacting to something & pushing him away; and not really being able to handle the pains of daily life. Times have come in which I was very close to ending life. What kept me from taking that final step was the hope that my bf gave me ~ the hope that my life may actually get better someday. I actually caught myself even daydreaming about living with my bf, out in the country. I haven't fantasized in YEARS! It feels strange ~ scary, yet enjoyable.

It is a fragile teeter totter that I'm on. I am sitting on it as steadily as possible to avoid the fall. Is this what you're talking about?? Either way, best wishes to you! Hope that the depression continues to ease.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Gently1 )))))))))))))

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Gently1

Hello everyone,
Looking for support.
Feeling that in the near future that I will be deciding whether to move forward into healing or to lock myself in the past coping/hiding from life.

Feel control is in my hands, yet the fear of the unknown is very strong, and I don't know if I have the strength. So much energy for hanging on...
afraid to let go and claim health.

So close, yet so far, anyone else ever feel this way?

hang on, gently, you're one step away from sucess. hope can sometimes be as "small as a mustard seed" but it is there!!!

[invisigirl]

Yes, I can definitely relate. I often find myself there. Sometimes I move forward, sometimes I step backwards.. I can tell you, moving forward, when you can, is definitely more pleasant. Even if you're going through the motions at first. I often find that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to moving forward. There's always a still small voice that says "I don't want to!" - but if I ignore it and do what I know will be better for me, it shuts up after a bit.

[SophiaG]

trying to cope by hiding is something that alcoholics do. It's something that a child afraid of growing up does, when he turns to WoW. It's something that a druggie does to deny that he has emotions to work through.

Escapism. Ultimately it does not work and leads to many regrets.