So tired of life

As the title says I am so tired of life, if you can even call this a life. I'm fed up with being mentally ill and the symptoms that it brings with it. I don't think that I can stay alive for much longer. I only live for my brother but he has moved out to go to college and is shaping a life for himself. He doesn't need me any more. But I am just trying to fool myself: he does need me. If I were to kill myself it would shatter his life. I could talk to him first though, get him to understand. That's what i'm longing to do, to just tell him that I cannot do this any more.

I wish my brother would die and i'm tired of saying that. If he was dead I could kill myself and be free from all of this. To get through i'm going to have to self harm and overdose so badly. I am one week self harm free and the only thing that is stopping me from self harming is the fact that I have stitches. They are being taken out today and i'm worried that it will make me self harm again.

I also want to overdose. There is nothing stopping me from overdosing other than my fear of causing permenant damage to myself. I have a feeling that I will overdose soon. I try to hold in the urges so that I overdose only once a month but this time I don't think I can. I overdosed almost 2 weeks ago.

I'm sick of the dull daily routines, of having no close friends and no one to socialise with. Not that I could socialise properly, with my social anxiety. I will be working on my social anxiety with my psychologist but it's the waiting to get better that really gets to me. I'm not sure that I ever will get better.

Nights are so bad for me, when all of the professionals have gone home and i'm left with no one. I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they never know how to help, literally. I don't know how to get in touch with the official crisis team as it has just been newly formed. I don't want to HAVE to live life any more. I am being forced to live. I want to WANT to live but I don't see that happening. The best thing for me would be to die. I just have to convince my brother of that.

How long have you been Mentally Ill?

9 years.

sorry u are feeling this way.

(((((((((((( littlelindsay )))))))))))

You want to want to live because you remember a time in your life when that was actually the case and you want that feeling back again. You want to be yourself again.

The most important thing is don't forget who you are. You know yourself better than any professional. I know it might seem like you've completely lost yourself, but I personally find that if I just let go of trying so hard to be normal again and stop being so judgmental of who I have become, I come back. Strange isn't it? But if you think about it, when you felt happy and normal in the past, were you putting great effort into feeling that way? Probably not. Most people dont, and if they did, living would be an endless chore, which is how it probably is for you.

Its scary trying to let go of a mental state, but I don't think you have a choice. You've got to give yourself some time, and space. You probably haven't given yourself a break in a long time. You aren't the enemy, okay?

Killing yourself wont help anything. Imagine if you had killed yourself nine years ago. Imagine all that time that you would not have existed. You could cut all connections to your brother and let him assume you have changed your identity and left to live elsewhere, but that isn't what you want to do either. Nobody wants to live a life of solitude- Even your brother desperately craves your presence on this planet, you and he were thrust into this world together, you've known each other's lives from the start. Without you, he will forever walk alone, wondering why he is here at all. I sometimes wonder why my own consciousness was not in my brother's body when he died at the age of 6. Somebody had to experience that, and it seems so odd that I just happened to be me instead. We are all stuck on the same rock, and it isn't perfect, but it's what we have. We are too brilliant for our own good, that is your only problem. The sky and the oceans and the land will not comfort us like it does the other creatures, all we have is each other. If you die that is the existence you lead. But if you take this as a lesson and come to the conclusion that questions of "to be" or "not to be" best be left to the philosophers or god (if you choose to believe in one) then maybe, just maybe, your life can be tolerable, or even good. Because I'll tell you what, it may seem like we have to think about this ****, but we just weren't built for it- its just a sad case of evolution stumbling onto the ability to think about questions it didn't know existed.

Hope that leaves you

((((((((((((((((littlelindsay))))))))))))))))

I know it's hard but dying does not solve an issue. I've been there and it just is not what you expect. After we die we still think and we still have all the same issues as when alive.

It's difficult to understand unless you've been there. But please don't make the mistake of thinking it is peacefully nothing, because it isn't.

Please keep posting so that we can support you

I have the same problem you have and i TRULY understand your situation. I'm also SICK and TIRED of living everyday of my life. I hate to be a loner and failed to reach goals. It's living a boring life everyday and no solution for my problems. Only taking away my life is the final solution to end my problems.

This is my first time here. I dont know what caused your pain but as I read your words I felt it deep within myself. I am not going to try to convience your choice of life, or death because I too am struggling with the very same empty dark lonely feelings as you. Like you, I am tired of all the pain that never ends. Maybe knowing that some one hears you and truly gets it, meaning ME....you can hold on a little longer. I came here to find out if I could read anything that could maybe make me want to keep trying...........and I read about "you". I know this may sound sick but I dont mean for it to be taken that way........just knowing there is a person that feels almost the exact pain I feel made me....right at this very moment to give myself more time to think.Yes thinking is mainly what is causing my pain so I assume the same goes for you.

Stay for a little while longer. you can help some one and by doing that it will make you feel a moment of peace. I know it's not much but it is something, as I said I see my feelings in your post. I have done the VERY SAME things to try to end it. But........I am still alive and trying to want life.

Oh Littlelindsay, I feel your pain. I could have written your post myself because I feel the same way. I don't want to be here but I feel like I'll make life hard for my bf if I end my life. I feel he'd be better off with someone else. But for someone to lose a loved one to suicide i feel will really do them a lot of damage. They will always think they didn't do enough to make you want to live. I get mad sometimes that I have to be here to keep someone else from feeling pain. It sounds wrong and twisted but thats depression for you. People have turned away from me because of my depressed negative state and I feel alone, I'm estranged from my family, my so called friends. My bf loves me but i feel like i'm making his life miserable and i feel guilty about that. I also worry that if I did try to end things I would end up being brain damaged or something instead of dead, that does happen and it would probably happen to me. So here I am still trying to get through each day. I guess I'm not the best person to be talking to you but i wanted you to know that I know how much it hurts to feel lonely and depressed. You can always vent here so keep posting and know that your not alone others have been there and are still there and struggling to hang in there right along with you. Hugs and Prayers, Anjelmarie