crushed and in pain...

because i haven't gotten better in the past three years, my parents think it's my fault. tonight, they cut any last hope there was of EVER trusting them again.

they ambushed me... told me i have five weeks to move into my grandma's house (she's in an assisted living home). i have that time to find a way to pay for it and all they'ed do is help with filing out the paperwork... i have to look up insurance numbers, loan info, utilities stuff and more...

i've been living with my parents for three years now. and in that time, i've never asked for anything except the ONE thing i KNEW i couldn't do, and that was support myself financially. if i could, i'd never moved back to this he--hole in the first place.

i met with my doc four weeks ago, and she could see that i was getting worse. that i was slowly losing my ability to keep trying, to keep fighting. then this sh-- goes and happens. it's times like these that i KNOW i'd be better off not being here at all. the one and ONLY thing still keeping me alive is my 5-month old baby kittens and their mom outside.

i've got two fav songs right now. each has their own chorus go like so:

"Help me. I'm caught between demons and angels. I'm fighting but I keep on falling..."
"How long can I keep on holding on..."

((((((((((jrae)))))))))))

Hello, Jrae!
This may be obvious, but if you're moving out, you don't have to do what your parents want. You know the truth about yourself. You know pretty much what you can and cannot handle. If moving into your grandma's house is not your best, most realistic option, choose another path to independence.

Reach out for the help that will best support YOU (not your parents) in this time of transition.

((((((((jrae)))))))) maybe seeing your doc would help you sort out these emotions. i'm sure you may feel overwhelmed but you do have 5 weeks to try to adjust to their plan or one of your choosing. we're here to listen.

THE WEEK FROM H3LL...

i just don't understand anymore. now the whole "moving into my grandma's" thing has become this big S**T between my parents and my dad's five siblings. and it all comes back to them yelling at me for asking my aunts and uncles what they thought of the situation...

and i've already had to bury two baby kittens this week. now i have to bury three more tomorrow and most likely the most cat in the morning...

and my uncle went off on me today. he said that the only way i'll ever get better is if i do an 'in-patient' treatment program; that i'll never get better without it. and that i've created a 'fantasy world' that i live in, cuz all i do is talk about my cats. F- YOU!!! what the h do you know about my situation?! my cats are the only positive thing i have in my life right now! Excuse me for not wanting to talk about this crap 24/7. and who gave you the right to tell me what YOU THINK would work for me and that nothing else ever would...

i'm holding onto life by ONE dang thread. and i pray everyday that i'll find some way to keep on doing that. oh man, there are plently of times when i just want to let go and wish like heck i could. everyone makes it that much harder for me. i sat in the bathroom crying a couple days ago, just saying, "God, i need someone or something". give me one dang reason why my life is worth so much f-ing pain...

i'm a fighter - i just don't have any fight left in me..........

_____________________________________________________________________________

song of the night:
"Take me away, take me away
Take me away you put me here to do it God
Take me away you gotta see me through it God
Take me away need you to do it right now"

you keep praying...i did and a miracle occurred in my life, justme. i am so sorry there is all that negativity swirling around you at your house.i know it doesn't help the way you feel. but know this...you are of value and worth!!! stand tall and know you will get better. keep praying...He will answer. ppl who are so unkind...grrr..they don't realize how fortunate they are not to have deep depression. be kind to yourself. little acts of kindness...know that we are here for you, we're listening, and we care.

Family and friends are a great support, but only if they know there is hope. I don't know if you've shown them that. It's a crappy situation, but a lot of people think that depression is fake. They see the commercials for zoloft and think to themselves "Why don't those people suck it up and just quit worrying?". They will be sympathetic and help you, but they will never have as much patience for you as you do yourself.

Fact is, we are on our own in sickness and health.

Don't discount what they have done for you, though. They did help you during a hard time. They may be your parents, but this isn't their fault. They played by the rules- fell in love, had a family, raised you. Life isn't always fair, these will always be more your problem than it is theirs. We can only hope to take our experiences and change minds and try to create a future where people take notice and care for each other in abundance. That's what this forum is for, after all. However we can't give you shelter either.

These things you have to do, are possible. Perhaps easy.
Get some food stamps if you dont have a job. My friend gets 200 a month. Tell your parents you can help pay for food and they might let you back in.

Jrae, are you safe, hon? There is a worth to you, and there is a point to things even if you can't see what it is right now, just don't let loose of it. Maybe your uncle knows that it's not good for you to live with your parents and it's not good for you to live alone. When there is a lot of conflict, things can lóok very differently than they're meant. I'm sorry about your kitties, honey. I'm sure you did your best for them. Sometimes things just weren't right with the little things from the begining.
Hang in there, OK? Talk to your T. There must be something that can be worked out. HUGGGSSSSS

i understand how you feel...when it feels like sh#t just keeps getting worse and worse. it is definitely NOT your fault. nobody wakes up and says "damn i wish i had depression". alot of parents are not that supportive, especially with things they dont understand. i try to think about what i want to do with my life and how im gonna get the F*&k out of here. i try to think of making a life for myself instead of thinking how crappy it is now...if your not happy now, then you have to make yourself happy, anyway you can. hang in there man

well, it sounds like your folks are a big part of your stress, they sure aint helping you!! have you checked into getting section8 or something like that? try to move out, you wont get better around people that think its your fault.if you cant move out, have you tried to get your parents to talk to your doctor? maybe that may help