giving up...

Hi everyone,

First I want to say thanks for listening to those that read this. I don't even know what to say right now, but feel that maybe posting about how i am doing may help some...idk???

So I have been having many discussions with myself about why I am so depressed and at the end of my rope. I think about the things that I have and am grateful for and everyday it becomes less and less.

I have been physically ill with a lot of pain since the 4th of this month and have been to my doc and in the ER and had many tests and nothing comes up. So I think they think am either drug seeking, or it's all in my head or both. I have turned down some of the pain meds because I don't want to be "out of it". I finally took a script for a different pain med and took 2 and it didn't help anything. Anyways that's a big stresser on me right now.

I have become so depressed, i have been in the psych ward 2 times this month and the last time i just said i was fine and get them to discharge me. They weren't doing anything for me and forgetting about my meds or telling me they already gave them to me.

Getting out of bed is so hard and going to bed is hard. I am afraid of sleep most times and getting out of bed is scary now too. I don't even feel like leaving my place and just want to curl up in a ball and hide forever. Now my dad and step-mom moved into the apt. building next door and so it might be more difficult to hide all this from them. I don't know why i don't tell them or anyone. I don't want people to worry or burden anyone. My family has been through enough with me. I don't want them to deal with that nymore and so the thought of giving up is so high up there right now. Then it would be less to deal with.

I am so done with doctors and my pdoc I see friday and want to tell him i am done. i have been trying to tell my t i am not coming back and I keep going back. WHY?

I have been going through some hallucinations and am having a real hard time dealing with lots of things that giving up just sounds so good. The flashbacks are bad and dreams are bad too.

I am at the end of my rope and feel like I have gone so far down hill there is no way up. I really don't know how I got here or how to get out of here. Right now I can only think of one way and it sounds so good to me.
I am sorry everyone for being so selfish and complaining. If you have talked to me in chat lately that's how I have been and am sorry.

I am so sorry this is so long. I feel like I haven't said anything in all the words that are on this page.

Thanks again
Jen

((((((((((jen))))))))))

Hi Jen, hang in there, keep trying!!

Hi, Jen29.

Your words are meaningful. They tell a story of two torments -- psychological and physical. They tell another story of seeking treatment, which, unfortunately, turned out to be ineffective.

I would like to tell you to go ahead and burden someone to ensure your safety. Yet, when the imperative "to not be a burden to others" is so ingrained, the reluctance to reach out can be overwhelming.

I hope you can find a way to reach out, and find those who will help.

thanks everyone,

I am so scared to tell anyone. i wanted to call my T today and talk to her but i just thought ok i can make it another hour without telling her or anyone. Well I don't know what to do now. I don't want to bother her at home...I don't even know what to say.

thanks again everyone
Jen

((((((((((Jen))))))))))

I'm glad that you posted!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time? Do you have a PCP, if so, have you seen him/her about your pain? They probably would be able to do a more thorough followup instead of the ER. The ER often can't find chronic conditions as they just want to treat the symptoms and not necessarily find the cause. I hope you feel better soon.

Jen, call your T. Keeping everything bottled up isn't good for you or your health.

I called my T last night and left message. I have appt. with her today, I just I don't know anymore. I even told my dad that having hard time...just not that want to give up.

((jen29)) good luck with your appointment. This difficult time will pass...hang in there.

Glad to hear you have an appointment!!

good to hear you called t.. keep going to t... so important it sounds like u like t.... t can help you sort out what you need to do. Just keep going to that and get the physical things worked out. I am sorry you are in such emotioal and physical pain. Hold on... sometimes that is all we can do.

BOTHER them! That's what you pay them for! They exist only to help you. And if they don't help you, try someone else. Is there anyone close, friend, clergy, doctor, or family member, that can advocate for you??? It's really hard to advocate for yourself when you feel so awful. We're here for you!!!!

Went to therapy last night...didn't go so well. Didn't actually think it would. I couldn't stop shaking and thinking and moving. I kept stumbling over my words, and just told her it was a waste of time for me to even come here. She is very supportive and I just don't understand how she can even deal with me anymore. She keeps saying hold on one more week...ok so I hold on that week, now what?

I have a pdoc appt. on Friday and I could care less if I go or not. We have to fill out this piece of paper on how well we are doing and crap like that, I just want to lie and say everything is fine, him just fill the meds, not that I need them and be on my way. Tell him am done seeing him and that's that.

My mind is so f---ed up right now. I don't know which way to go anymore. I know my thinking is distorted at times and not thinking like I should, but ya know, I can't help but go down that road at times, and now it seems almost every waking moment is spent going further down that road. So many thoughts go through my head. so many ideas and plans. WTF is going on with me, and why can't I control these thoughts.

I told her I am done with doctors and my pdoc and she asked if i was done with counseling. I told her I want to be, I said it should be done now. She told me there is no time limit to healing and that she is there when I need her. That's the thing, do I need her or don't I? Do i need anyone really? Do I need me?

It's getting to the point that things are so screwed up I don't even want to leave my place anymore. I have laundry to do today and it's just down the hall, but leaving my apt. is getting more and more scary for me. I really don't understand where this is all coming from but I don't know if it's ever going to stop.

Well, am going to try and get another couple of hours of sleep if I can. My mind is so full of crap that I can't slow it down or shut it off.

Thanks for listening and am sorry if it sounds like am complaining, am just saying what is going on.
Jen

((((( Jen ))))))

It really sounds like you've hit the bottom. Don't give up now, don't quit therapy and call your t if you need to. They get good money for doing what they do and you don't have to feel bad about it. They became therapists because they want to help, and you sound like you need help. I wish I could do more or say something constructive, but all I can say is just DON"T GIVE UP!

Sending you lots of love
Pix

I'm glad you called your T and spoke to your Dad. If nothing else you are reaching out to those who care for you.

Best of luck on your appt!

Sending lots of hugs your way....

(((((((((Jen)))))))

Thanks everyone for you continued support. It's been a very hard week and I made it through. I have been started on a new medication and so I started it today. Am off all other meds, well mostly all other meds.
Thanks again, not much to say right now, am having lots of racing thoughts and so I hope am able to get it all together before I go to bed.
Tc,
Jen

hi all again,
just wanted to say feeling like crap, i don't know my feelings are anymore. a friend of mine went back in hospital a couple days ago and i know she comes home soon and i don't know how to support her anymore or at least right now. i feel bad for her, yet i am angry at her too. why should i be angry with someone who is suffering so much? am i that bad of a friend to her to be mad? what is wrong that i should feel so much anger when i talk to her or am around her?

anyways, not so sure why am writing, but guess just sharing thoughts.

hugs,
jen

Hi, Jen!
Perhaps not "badness" but closeness is related to your anger?

I really am not so sure if it's closeness as maybe I am feeling the need to back off from the relationship. I am afraid of her coming home and then me losing her cause I know how serious her attempts have been and how she feels about ending her life. I don't know how to feel besides anger when I talk to her or am around her and I am the one that I guess is picking her up tomorrow, if she comes home tomorrow that is.

Right now I feel so fricken dirty I have to go and scrub myself till I "feel" clean.

thanks,
jen