First day at new school for daughter no 1; first day of term for me and daughter no 2. Husband at home (lecturer) all day.

Alarm goes off at 6.30. I get up, wake girls. Get washed and dressed myself. Go downstairs, clear table, set table, make breakfasts, make packed lunch for self & daughter no 2.
Husband comes down in time for breakfast.
Eat breakfast, go and straighten daughter no 1's hair.
Husband watches TV - but does put daughter no 2's hair in pony tail.
Write letter for daughter 1 to explain lack of tie (office closed when I got there yesterday). Check both daughters have all they need for day.
7.30 am leave with daughters. Husband starts playing games on computer.
Pick up daughter 1's friend from her house, take both to new school, go to own & daughter 2's school.
Set up interactive whiteboard, meet new pupil, make labels for new pupil's drawer and find new planner.
Teach all day (class OK; some nice kids, but 9 girls to 16 boys - argh!)
Hear from daughter no 2's teacher that she has been upset. Worry why daughter no 1 has not returned (was supposed to catch bus to our school.) realise she couldn't phone me cos my phone is out of charge - argh! Start to talk to daughter no 2 and then daughter no 1 arrives & bursts into tears on me. Turns out they were told wrong bus, she had to walk from other end of village and got lost 3 times today and has 3 homeworks already. Comfort her. Try to talk to daughter no 2 who goes silent on me (has a habit of making mountains out of molehills. Eventually get out of her that she hadn't finished her work (tell her that is OK as have agreed with teacher she will finish draft with me at home as she is a very slow writer when anxious). Parent of a new pupil who has been a pain all day arrives to talk to me and agree strategy - very supportive and we agree what we will do and lay down the law to him. By now it is 4.30. FInish talking to and calming down daughters. Collect belongings, head to car. On way daughter 2 pours out her woes but at least daughter 1 is OK now!
Get home; husband playing on computer. Try to tell him about day while he plays. Daughter 1 makes me a cup of tea (bless!). I find her some books to help with homework, then do daughter 2's unfinished work with her. Husband still playingon computer. He tells me he managed to finish writing a paper (for conference tomorrow) today. Whoopee! I check email on computer then go to swim at gym.
Come home; husband still playing on computer. one of his friends is coming to stay overnight for conference. I clear breakfast things from table, load up dishwasher, empty bins, suggest to daughter 2 where she can find PE kit, empty lunch bags, remind daughter 1 to do cello practice, remind daughter 2 to do saxophone practice. Start taking bins out (collection day tomorrow). Husband calls my name. I tell him I am emptying the bins (was probably a bit "short" with him - can't think why). He says, "Fine, I'll help" in a cross voice. I take bin and 5 recycling sacks to collection point , put wet washing in dryer and put new load of washing in machine. He unpacks shopping from yesterday. I go to sit in lounge and start school work on laptop; he comes in and asks if I want computer. I say no cos I have work to do; he stands there looking pained. I ask "Did you want to watch TV" and he says yes he did so I get up and come to computer.
Some questions:
Is my sense of frustration justified?
Why do I feel angry with myself?
Why couldn't I be more assertive and ask him to help?
Why couldn't he have done some of this in the day?
Could this possibly have naything to do with my exhaustion and depression?
Does anyone care?

Caroline

[Monty_girl]

Your day sounds very busy and your H sounds just like mine does. Sits and plays computer games all day as I'm working. And when I get home there are always a billion things that need to be done while they sit playing their game. Yes I think your frustration is justified. But I don't have a magic answer to give you. If I did I won't have a H sitting in front of the computer all day playing some stupid game. I ask myself the same thing. Why couldn't my H do some of this while I was working running around trying not to go crazy in the process. And when I start to do something my H will say, "I was going to get to that." Ok, but when it's 8pm and the clothes need to be washed and I need them for the morning and I'm not going to wait for you to get up and do them. And if he does get up and put the wash in he gets into his game and forgets to dry them. And if you are like me and ask H to do something they say you are nagging them and to quit bugging them. I feel it's just easier for me to get up and do it then to listen to him. But I don't think I should have to keep asking him to do something that he knows needs to be done. But I don't have the answers. Sometimes I want to take that computer game and just unplug it.

[h0kie]

I too know what you mean. Hubby spent the better part of 2 years not working. I would get up and go off to work, while he slept. He would surf the `net and play games all day. I could leave the man a list and only half of it would get done. When I got angry, I would put a password on the computer so that he couldn't use it when I wasn't home. That was only a few times, but it got my message across, loud and clear.

It amazes me the amount of time it takes him to do something. He will spend an entire day and barely clean a room. I cleaned the entire house (vacuumed, washed furniture covers, moved furniture, etc) in one day. There were days when, like monty, I just wanted to throw the computer/game system out the window. He's told me the, "if you need me to do something, just ask"...however, I resent having to tell him the dishes need done. I believe it is quite obvious when the dishes need done.

Have you tried talking to him and telling him you need help? That worked for a little bit with my hubby...eventually he reverted, but then we'd talk again. He can't read your mind (but sometimes, that is a good thing ). Good luck and let us know how things progress, if they progress!

Hi Caroline-- I care!!

I think your frustration is very justified-- a marriage is supposed to have sharing in it-- can't always be 50-50, but it can be:
you 65- him 35 one day-- and then you 40 - him 60 another day. You are feeling slighted and rightly so.

Have you thought about not doing some of the things he needs done-- like, don't add his laundry in when you do the wash-- let him wash and dry his own. clothes. ( at least, until he shares the work more)

You probably feel angry with yourself because when one is pulling most of the load and doesn't say anything it can chip away at your self-worth-- perhaps deep down inside you realize that and that makes you feel as though you are denying yourself when you don't speak up.

I once watched a documentary about African Lions once-- the females do all the hunting and raising of the young-- while the males sit, relax and eat- only called to work if in need of defending the pride. Some human relationships can become akin to lions-- but with one big difference--- we have the ability to speak with reason!!! Please-- use your voice and let your husband know that in helping with things he's giving you and the family more value!!

(I hope what I've said is not taken as a condemnation in any way to anyone-- I still worry about things like that.)

Just wanted to help and let you know I care and that you are a wonderful and loving person.

mandy

[Gracey]

What a pain in the ***.

I'd be a wee bit ticked off too Caroline.

Here's what I'd suggest. . .take all his trousers to the area seamstress. Have her sew ONE leg through at the knee. Watch him try to put them on.

Seamstress - $50
New Pants - $100
Finally getting your point across? Priceless

[Parker10]

I care ! Men arent programmed to notice the ordinary things that women notice - for some reason, seeing a sinkful of dishes does not say to them "I need washing please" like it says to us women. Most men need to be asked to help with these things. I think if your husband would read what you wrote about today - he would be shocked at how "out of the loop" he really is ! Please talk to him, and ask him to connect with the family as easily as he connects to the Internet ! I really do think talking to him is essential - not only to get him to help you out when he is home all day, but for your self -worth, feeling like you are part of a couple, rather than alone, and so the resentment wont build up and up !

Good luck -and I am sure there are many women who feel the same way you do !

Thank you for the response, monty-girl. H does do some stuff, but I am scared to ask him to help out because he gets very defensive and angry and insists he does more than me. I just can't see the evidence of what he is doing right now.
C

Thanks, 1day. I know H does work at home and has to - he rewrote his paper for example yesterday. I just wish he would have seen what needed doing yesterday and done some of it rather than getting cross with me. I've tried asking for help in the past but he gets very defensive and makes out that I do very little around the house. He's going to be away for a few days on two conferences and to be honest I can't see it will make much difference other than that I will have to cook tea for this kids and me rather than him doing it, and I will have to go to the shops to get daily supplies rather than him.
C

Himandy.
Thanks for caring. I just feel all alone at the moment. I don't see my T for nearly a month cos she is trying to spread the sessions I am allowed out until we know what will happen long term (she has referred me to someone else). I've lost my best online friend and she hates me.
I like your ideas but I'm not sure I could do them. I'm "programmed" to help out but you are right I am chipping away at my own self worth - which was pretty low to start with.

The analogy of the lions is a good one.

I just don't know how to tell him I need more help without making him angry.
C

Like the idea Gracey. Might lead to lots of problems in reality, but I like the idea!
C

Thank you for caring, Parker.

I know about the programming. I am scared to ask as he responds to feeling guilty by making me feel guilty and I don't think I can handle more guilt right now. I have no self worth right now.
C