[jmo531]

Who decides who suffers with mental illness and who doesnt?

Why, why, why? I ask.

Thinking back on the time I joined here, how much I needed this place, how vulnerable I was. I was afraid. Depression, anxiety and OCD has pushed me into such an isolation where I was even afraid to post here. Over time, meeting people here, reading other posts, I began to feel more comfortable and knew that I was not alone.

I started treatment after joinging here, started my meds, seeing a therapist. I felt like I was at the bottom of the earth and each day was a struggle to live. Little by little, revealing myself little by little, baring my soul, little by little to you guys, to my therapist brought me to a point that I had not been to in a really long time.

For months, and months I had lost all hope in myself, my life and everyone around me. It seemed to have happened over night. In one instance it was all taken away from me. One day I am a determined, capable, strong mother of three, wife, working.....and the next day, I am a scared little girl, can not get out of bed, afraid to open my eyes. Afraid of life and everything about it. A sense of paranoia had come over me and I could trust no one. Not my hubby, not my kids, mot my mom nor my friends. In an instant, I was alone, all alone and I have never in my life been in a more lonley and scary place then that.

Little by little, over the months I have learned things about myself, or maybe I admitted things about myself that I have never done before. At times, it felt that I was taking a huge step backwards and other times it felt like I was lifting a great weight off my chest. I was learning to plan the future again, to see the future in all its glory and know that I had so much a head of me.

The last few days I have been slowley feeling lower and lower. Not sure exactly why though. Since leaving VA, I no longer see a therapist but I am still taking my meds. Maybe that is part of the reason. I dunno. I was laying in bed today and I started having thoughts or maybe feelings that I didnt want to start feeling that I was losing hope again. I was afraid. I look around at my life and and I feel so incredible lucky to have all that I have and who in life wouldnt be happy with all of this? I feel lucky. I dont feel truely happy. What the hell is wrong with me. I am afraid to start going into this negative pattern of thinking once again because I know where it will lead. I can not put my children and my hubby through this again. I cant. Until I can find a therapist, and soon, I have got to find a way to combat this. But I am losing hope and I am afraid.

I have to start journaling again, faithfully like I once was. It's hard. I had finally gotten to the point where I was up all day, doing things, staying active and sleeping a normal pattern. Now, I am taking naps more frequently, and I have to stop doing that. It's hard because sometimes all I want to do is sleep because at least then I know I have a little window of time where I dont have to be afraid, I dont have to be anything, I dont even have to feel for at least that little period of time while I am sleeping.

I dont want to die. I dont want to die. I dont want to die. I want to be normal. I want to go through a day where I can just wory about the small things, take care of my house, do laundry, hang out with my kids, make dinner, spend time with my hubby.

Instead, I fill my days with worry, worry that I am falling into another depression, that I am going crazy, that I wont make it, that I am going to die and I am absolutly petrified.

I am afraid to talk to my hubby about this because I dont want to scare him because I think I about broke him the last time I had an episode.

GOD give me the strength, please, please give me strenght and the will to rise above this. Oh please, please.

I ask for help, and at the same time I feel so incredible unworthy of his help, his love, his support. I feel like I am dirty, not worth his time. At times I feel evil. I have so much crap in my past that was morally wrong, why now do I ask for help when I dont deserve it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Now, I am taking naps more frequently, and I have to stop doing that. It's hard because sometimes all I want to do is sleep because at least then I know I have a little window of time where I dont have to be afraid, I dont have to be anything, I dont even have to feel for at least that little period of time while I am sleeping.

I just came out of that period where I felt like you do. I slept, to get away from everything and everyone. I unplugged my phone and slept. But, it didn't work for me. I had to get up, see my therapist and my Pdoc.

Please find a therapist and keep posting here, Jen. It really helps to be here. I dug my way out and I know that you can. xoxox pat

[irish_angel]

First... <font color="red">((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))</font>
Second... I am not trying to take from your post in any shape or forum..but WOW reading your post brought me to tears. Im so sorry that your mind is working the way it is, Im so sorry for the discomfort that you face and the living nightmare that you go thru everyday. That may seem a bit extreme and flashy to express those words.. But to me, WOW You Jen have just made a major break thru in someones life. The words you wrote, its like they came from my mind...my thoughts...my feelings. Reading your post... It is what my post would of been to a fine T, thank you so much for making me see that someone else, somewhere else, is going thru the same things as me.
I am in the dark place right now of not getting out of bed, not seeing the light in the day, feeling of hopelessness and dispair and have no worthy or face value anymore, not even to my kids or hubby...(and NO thoughts of sucide either)but the guilt of not being there for them 100% of the time or anyone else who needs something for that matter...prevents me from being able to just shut down, let go and re-start.

Take Care,
sorry if I made this seem melodramatic and trying to make it about me.

Erin <font color="red"> </font> <font color="red"> </font> <font color="red"> </font>

[jmo531]

Thank you Fuzzy. Your hugs are much appreciated and make me feel loved.

Pat,

I know what you mean. I am trying to make my strong side prevail and drag myself up outta bed because I know, keeping active and staying busy helps so much. I just wish is wasnt so hard. I will continue to post and I swear, starting Monday I am on the hunt for a T. I need one. Until then, I will post and/or journal because I know if I keep the feelings bottled up, I will be doomed

Erin,

(((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))

No...thank you. Part of this disease is forgetting that others suffer in the same way. I lose sight of that mostly because I am consumed with myself and my thoughts and fears. Reading your reply makes me tear up because as much as I feel comfort in knowing you understand me, I feel sadness that yet another poor soul must endure this hell just as I do.

This is why I ask, who decides who suffers and who doesnt? I feel like in some way, this is payback for the hell I inflicted on someone in my life somewhere along the line.

I am so sorry your feeling this way too. Its a scary, lonley and confusing place to be.

Please, feel free to PM me. We could talk about it there or here. Which ever you prefer. Thank you again for your post. It wasnt at all meladramatic.

Hugs,

Jen

[jmo531]

Hi Again

I slept a good portion of the day away again. I needed too. I was really tired. I feel a little better. I did some online searching for counselling services in my area. I actually found something that is not too far away. I will be calling in the morning. I have to get the ball rolling with this. It scares me when I lose hope. I also did some journaling today. About 4 pages. I guess I had alot to say.

[(JD)]

((((jmo)))) keep going....

[irish_angel]

Jen,
Do you find it as hard as I do, to actually get the ball rolling?? At night time I lay there and think of all the good and different things im going to do...in the morning...yet that morning never comes?? then the guilt and fustration kicks in and I beat myself up all day long for it.

If you ever want to just talk..pm me

[jmo531]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I actually had to kick my own butt this morning to get into gear.

I did call for an appointment to see a T and that is set up for OCT 5. I am proud of myself for doing that and honestly, I am very relieved.

Thank you for the PM offer. I am sure I will take you up on that.

Hugs,

Jen

[irish_angel]

Good for you!!!! ((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

Keep it up! now if i could just call the T that is being set up for me and find out when my first app is or if i can step the process up!

....baby steps and it will all be ok.....

YAY!

[Fuzzybear]

Great job in setting up the T appointment!
If you want to kick the bear's butt you are welcome to do so
Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

[Junerain]

Your post is a testimony to the power of psychcntral...you really GREW from us, you started out admitting things to yourself, had a feel for a need for hope, and yes, journaling is hard but for me the pain from journaling is always rewarded in the end..you show such insight...and then to hear you post again and have called your T..it brought me to tears, your post was so, so moving, thank you..I think who decides is a search for where your illness comes from, at what point it all got this way, where it begins and where it ends..only when we go to heaven to we find the reasons God had and we WILL be able to ask at THAT point why, God, why?

[(JD)]

[jmo531]

WOW. Junerain, thank you for your post. Very insightful. Thank you for noticing my growth. Sometimes I feel like I have moved backwards instead of forwards. ARGH......

Sky, I will keep going. I have too. I wish it wasnt so hard.

Fuzzy, I am glad I made the appointment too. I know that I need therapy. My last T and I were on the verge of important things before I had to leave her. I was left kinda hanging in the balance and now I have no way of handling those things on my own.

Irish,

Baby steps are the only way to go right now. Thats all I can do.

Hugs,

Jen

[radio_flyer]

((((((((((((( jmo )))))))). Your really in touch with your feelings. It amazes me when folks are so in touch with their feelings. I do understand that fear you speak of. And I do relate so much to what you have posted. The good thing is you will be going back to therapy. And maybe some adjustment time to your new living environment. Keep on hanging on.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((Radio)))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your post. You say it seems to you that I am so in touch with my feelings. See, to me, it doesnt feel that way. To me it feels like I am just floating through. Not really able to feel anything but at the same time, I feel it all. Weird and hard to explain. I just post what ever is on my mind at the time because it does get hard for me to express my feelings.
I definitly feel that I need to adjust to my new living environment. Things are very different here. Not a bad thing, just different. I miss home (Virginia). I think that is normal though.


((((((((((((((((((Radio)))))))))))))))))))


Hugs,


Jen

[(JD)]

((((jmo)))) it won't always be this hard.