[tryingtobeme]

Depression hole has opened up and is calling my name. I don't knoww hat to do. I'm a CSA, physical, emotionly, verbal abused survivor. A few night ago, I was with my husband sexually. Let me just say this doesn't happen very often since I usually freak out. Well with everything going on, being out of it, I guess I thought being with my husband would solve everything. WRONG It only made me feel worse, 10 times worse.

Basically everything hurt physically. That morning and since then I have had this sense of great shame, regret, guilty, feelings of being dirty, being a wh... , wanting to get rid of certain body parts or cut them so bad that no one would ever want to see any part of me again. That sounds like such a wonderful idea right now. It has for a few days and today it's more front and centre and I want to do it.

I'm not sure what I am to be feeling, what I am supposed to do with all these feelings or who to turn to since I don't have a T right now. I'm not blaming my husband, well maybe a little, I feel pressure to be a good wife and give him what he needs, and shouldn't he be able to say hey your not in the right state of mind to know what you want.

Everything seems so dark and unclear. I'm very lost with these feelings and don't feel I have anyone to go to. I'm really feeling the need to run to my mom and dad but they are the ones that did a lot of the abuse when I was younger. They would only say I have to do my job as a wife I guess.

I'm confused, what more can I say......put me in my grave for good is the best thing for me right now.

[Miracle1986]

(((tryingtobeme)))
I'm so sorry to read about what happened.
I know all about the pressure to be a good wife.
But let me assure you, your struggles do not make you a bad wife.
Have you tried to talk to your husband and explain things to him?

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Miracle1986

Have you tried to talk to your husband and explain things to him?

I wish I could talk to him. I am very scared to bring anything up to him. I can't even bring simple things up to him for fear that he will yell, scream, hit, throw things, I'm just not sure of him.

[lynn09]

Hi, tryingtobeme. I'm sorry you're struggling with so much emotional pain and confusion right now. It makes it especially difficult to deal with such feelings when the people you should be able to seek comfort from are the ones who inflicted pain and damage on you in the first place.

You said, regarding your parents, "They would only say I have to do my job as a wife I guess." This is a very telling remark and possibly the crux of the matter. In order to facilitate easier access to the victim, an abuser violates the victim's boundaries by convincing the victim that they have no right to establish, maintain, or defend personal boundaries, and that the victim has an "obligation" to allow the abuser to abuse them. So, it would make sense that being with your husband out of a sense of "obligation" would trigger the same negative emotions you experienced as a child when you were forced to fulfill your "obligation" to your abusers.

The guilt and shame you feel are not your own, but belongs to your abusers alone. They imposed that guilt and shame on you to make you believe that you deserved to be abused so they wouldn't have to be responsible for their misbehavior; please do not punish yourself for their crimes. It seems to me that your wanting to get rid of and/or damage certain parts of your body connected to your childhood abuse is actually representative of your desire to get rid of the emotional damage inflicted on you by your abusers.

Please make a concerted effort to find a new T to help you deal with all of the pain and confusion you are experiencing. In the meantime, if you feel that you might do something to physically injure yourself, please go to the ER and let them help keep you safe, and refer you to appropriate mental health professionals for consistent longer-term care and support. You do NOT deserve to suffer this way; your FIRST "obligation" is to yourself, and your physical and mental well-being. lynn09

[jilliebeanmn]

That feeling is all too familiar to many of us I fear. I am also a SA survivor, and though I don't have any profound advise, please know you are not alone. Gentle hugs to you!

[tryingtobeme]

It is very hard to seek any kind of comfort from my parents. They never did give any before and they certainly won't now. Especially now that they we don't have any contact what so ever.

I'm not sure how all the shame and guilt is theirs? It's what I feel not what they feel. Maybe I am miss understanding what you said about. Sorry if I am.

[tryingtobeme]

Thank you jilliebeanmn for letting me know I am not alone.

[JustAPixie]

((((( tryingtobeme )))))

It so common among sa survivors to have difficulty with sexual aspects of a relationship. We spend so much of our time hating oursleves and putting ourselves down. We equate sex with wrong, guilt, bad etc. It is understandable that being with your husband can be traumatic experience, especially if you aren't able to talk to him. We put so much stress on ourselves to fulfill society's idea of what we are supposed to be... you have to have money to be considered successful, you have to please your husband to be a good wife, you have to be skinny to be beautiful. Al these roles that we are trying to fulfill take us so far away from who we really are... Istead of focussing on yourself, starting to love yourself for who you are, being able to look in the mirror and not wince. It is a long and treacherous journey, and I myself have not reached the destination. lynn made a good suggestion of finding another T... you don't have to battle this alone.

[buggedbybugs]

when my ex raped me twice, my folks looked at me like i was complaining for no reason.after all, 'a husband cant rape a wife'..thats what my dad told me.. i said wrong.,divorced him soon after that.still to this day cant sleep in the same bed with anyone.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by JustAPixie

We put so much stress on ourselves to fulfill society's idea of what we are supposed to be... lynn made a good suggestion of finding another T... you don't have to battle this alone.

Yes I know I put so much stress on me...I need to be the best mom for my son, a good wife, work full time, spend time with the two of them, expected to keep everything clean and in order, and do odd projects that my husband or son needs. Not to mention that being a mom you are also a maid, doctor, security guard, car driver...the list goes on that comes alone with being a mom. We have so many hats to wear and I can't take it any more. I can't do what I am supposed to.

About finding another T, I was trying. Saw 2 new ones and the one laughed at me and the other one talked over me all the time, couldn't wait for me to answer. Honestly though, I don't want to see a new t though.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by buggedbybugs

when my ex raped me twice, my folks looked at me like i was complaining for no reason.after all, 'a husband cant rape a wife'..thats what my dad told me.. i said wrong.,divorced him soon after that.still to this day cant sleep in the same bed with anyone.

my husband had taken advantage of me earlier in the year. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

That morning and since then I have had this sense of great shame, regret, guilty, feelings of being dirty, being a wh... ,

I'm really feeling the need to run to my mom and dad but they are the ones that did a lot of the abuse when I was younger.

Hi, tryingtobeme. What I meant about the shame and guilt belonging to your parents and others who have abused you during your life is that you have done nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Your abusers have made you carry within you the shame and guilt that belongs to them for abusing you.

No, your abusers don't feel the guilt, shame, etc., that they should because, like all abusers do to their victims, they have made you carry emotionally the responsibility for the crimes they have committed against you so that they won't have to accept responsibility for their misconduct. They have convinced you that you deserve to be abused for not fulfilling their unrealistic expectations of you.

Like all abusers do to their victims, your abusers have instilled in you the idea that if you were just a better person then you would fulfill their expectations of you as a wife, mother, daughter, employee, etc., and would be worthy of their love, acceptance, and respect. The problem is that the game is rigged. No matter how hard you try to fulfill their unrealistic expectations of you, you will never be "perfect" enough to "earn" their love, acceptance, and respect because they would then lose their justification for abusing you.

The abuser's goal is always to feel and present themselves to the victim and others as being more superior and worthy to exist than the victim, and always at the victim's expense by demeaing, debasing, shaming, and being hypercritical of the victim, and defaming the victim to others. In this way, the abuser controls and adversely influences how the victim and others perceive the victim's identity and worth, enhances how the victim and others perceive the abuser's identity and worth, and justifies abusing the victim - all to compensate for the abuser's own feelings of inferiority, incompetency, self-doubt, self-hatred, fear, etc. - attributing to and punishing the victim for the abuser's own flaws and failings. I hope this clarifies my meaning for you; if not, please let me know.

Finding a good match for you in a new T can be a daunting and very discouraging task - it can take a lot of time. Perhaps you would benefit more at this point by getting involved in group therapy here on PC and/or in your local community with other abused women who can really relate to your experiences, provide better consolation and support, and help you develop more realistic expectations of yourself. Again, you do NOT deserve to suffer this way. Take good care of you! lynn09

[tryingtobeme]

Thanks Lynn. Yes this does clarify what you said. Thank you for taking the time to write all this. I am going to print both of them out. Maybe if I read it enough I will believe it...?

I do have an appointment with a new female T on the 25th. She comes highly recommended in the town that I live in. Unfortunally, we don't have groups in our town. I live in a college town therefore people come and go so much that it is so hard to get a group going and keep it going.

When you say group therapy here, do you mean the chats about certain things like Borderline or DBT? I used to go to both of them and need to get back to going. I just don't feel important enough to be in these groups. Let me know if you mean something else that I am not aware of. Thanks again for all the kind words!

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

When you say group therapy here, do you mean the chats about certain things like Borderline or DBT? I used to go to both of them and need to get back to going. I just don't feel important enough to be in these groups. Let me know if you mean something else that I am not aware of. Thanks again for all the kind words!

I did a Google search on "online support groups for abuse" and came up with page after page of links to sites offering online chat groups, guidance, information, hotlines, etc., including the ones available here through PC.

You are no less important than any other person on this planet, and no less deserving of being treated with the same respect and consideration that others expect and demand that you afford them. First and foremost, you must replace with healthier self-esteem, self-respect, and self-talk the corrupted programming that was instilled in you by your abusers that tells you that you are not important enough to care about. Listen to what you say to and about yourself; your abusers have programmed you to demean and abuse yourself even when they are not present to do it personally. You have no more right than others to abuse yourself - to devalue and demean yourself.

You are an especially important person in the life of your son. Children learn how to be adults by mimicking the attitudes and behaviors of the adults in their lives - especially their parents. Think about what your son is learning to expect from life and relationships; what he is learning about how to perceive and value himself, how to treat others (especially women), and how he can expect to be treated by others. How can he learn to develop healthy self-respect and respect for others if the most prevalent behavior patterns he has as references are those manifested by abusers and their victim?

Perhaps looking at the situation this way will help to motivate you to actively pursue therapy and even participate in the abuse support groups. Studies have proven that children who witness others being abused in any manner (physically, verbally/emotionally, etc.) are negatively affected by the experience even though they were not necessarily the target of that abuse themselves. So, if your self-esteem is still so damaged that you can't yet get help for your own sake, then do it for the sake of your son so he won't suffer the same emotional trauma and damage that has been inflicted on you by your abusers or become an abuser himself. He needs to know that the abuse you experienced in the past and the abuse you are still experiencing in your marriage is unacceptable - it is WRONG - in fact, it's illegal.

I know that you want to be the best Mom you can possibly be for him, and that means being the healthiest person you can be in order to set the best example for him - to teach him that being abusive and being a victim of abuse are both unhealthy points on the spectrum, and that being a healthy, responsible person means respecting others AND himself.

We're all standing with you and rooting for you, tryingtobeme. lynn09

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tryingtobeme))))))))))))

I wanted to give you hugs. You deserve to feel safe especially in your own home.

[tryingtobeme]

Thanks lynn for everything.

I just want you to know that I don't let my son see any of the bad in me. When I or my husband and I are home with him, we are two civil people doing everything we can to be with our son. He doesn't see our arguments, he doesn't see me upset or hear me say bad things about myself. We keep our "bad issues" away from him. So, my son is very secure and a very happy child. We had him evualted by two psychologists just to make sure he is doing well and not being affected by our own issues.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((((((Tryingtobeme))))))))))))

I wanted to give you hugs. You deserve to feel safe especially in your own home.

Thank you googley!