[lonesomedove]

I'm alone.....have no one, except my elderly father. I'm 50 yrs old, lost my mother 5 yrs ago to cancer. She was my only friend. Have no siblings, no children and have never been married. I don't trust people....I've been hurt and only know people who use me or decieve me.

I hate to say this, but I don't think my father really cares about me, if he does, it seems like it's only for his own benifit. He acts like he loves me, he helps me out when I'm in a bind....but, I also feel used. He's almost 90, but he is capable of taking care of himself. I help him when he needs help...like cooking and cleaning. I live here with him because I fiancially can't find my own place to live. I'm so depressed. I'm afraid of being alone. No one calls me, no one cares about me! I only know how to work, having fun or getting involved with church, or organizations are out of the question.

Right now, I can't help but cry. I need someone to talk to, but have no one. My father knows I'm sad and lonely but he could care less. I just gave him his dinner, now he sits in his chair and watches tv. The only words that came out of his mouth after he ate, was to ask me if I knew how to cook something he wanted to try for tomorrows dinner. I was doing dishes, threw the pan down and ran to my room and cryed a blue streak.

All's I need is someone who cares about me, who gives a crap about me and not think of me as a walking meal ticket. I'm so scared and lonely.....please someone help me!!!!! I can't write anymore, I can't see from all the tears.

Hi- We have alot in common. I am also taking care of an elderly parent, my mother who has dementia. It is very stressful and can be isolating.
I do not have any children and also feel lonely at times. I have started therapy and have found everyone on this site to be supportive and caringI. It has helped me considerably. Please email me anytime. I care and I am sending you a hug.

[Lilleth]

All you say I can relate to wish I had an answer that would help. But you have people here who always try to give encouragement and at least you can let out your emotions here which may help a bit.

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by roxiesmom333

Hi- We have alot in common. I am also taking care of an elderly parent, my mother who has dementia. It is very stressful and can be isolating.
I do not have any children and also feel lonely at times. I have started therapy and have found everyone on this site to be supportive and caringI. It has helped me considerably. Please email me anytime. I care and I am sending you a hug.

Hi,

I'm so glad you understand where I'm coming from. I'm a caregiver at every angle. That's my occupation and here at home. I just wish at times someone could actually care about me. I want to find a counselor if I can financially. I'm at the point where it's almost suicidal. Thanks for caring. I'm not much good on advice right now, cuz I need all the support I can find, but maybe when I can control this depression, I too can help with others pain. Thank you for the hug

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by Lilleth

All you say I can relate to wish I had an answer that would help. But you have people here who always try to give encouragement and at least you can let out your emotions here which may help a bit.

Thank you for your reply, no not a whole lot to be said, except it felt good writing my frustrations down. I'm just scared and worn out, and used up.

[Rohag]

Hello, Lonesomedove! Thank you for the first installment of your cry for help. I say "first installment" because, having had no one with whom to really speak, I suppose you have a lot more to share. We can't replace a flesh-and-blood friend, but we're here to listen (read).

Originally Posted by lonesomedove

I'm alone...

Yes. Your 90-year-old father most probably can never serve as the friend and companion you need.

Originally Posted by lonesomedove

...getting involved with church, or organizations are out of the question.

Is this because of the depression itself, life events/traumas, agoraphobia, illnesses, something else? (No need to answer; just trying to throw some thought at your isolation.) You have been used and deceived -- that may be explanation enough.

I wish you well, and please keep posting.

[Elana05]

Hi Lonesomedove,

It doesn't seem fair. You had just finished cooking a nice meal and he was asking about the next one? That would have made me feel so frustrated and exhausted too...
I'm so sorry to hear things are difficult right now.
Sending you warm wishes and good thoughts.
I hope you are able to find a councelor or therapist. I have found it helpful.

Elana

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Lonesomedove! Thank you for the first installment of your cry for help. I say "first installment" because, having had no one with whom to really speak, I suppose you have a lot more to share. We can't replace a flesh-and-blood friend, but we're here to listen (read).

Yes. Your 90-year-old father most probably can never serve as the friend and companion you need.

Is this because of the depression itself, life events/traumas, agoraphobia, illnesses, something else? (No need to answer; just trying to throw some thought at your isolation.) You have been used and deceived -- that may be explanation enough.

I wish you well, and please keep posting.

Hello....thank you so much for your care and concern. I feel so mixed up at times, then other times I have it all together. The same with my father. When I'm really down, like yesterday, the last thing I needed to hear was what to fix him for the next meal. I wanted understanding and didn't get it. I have a huge weight on me....the fear of being alone. No matter how exasperating my father can be....I'll miss him. I can't stand the thought of being in this house alone, just to hear the echo's of my own voice scares me. Hearing the echo's of my mothers voice and my fathers will haunt me for the rest of my life. It's all my fault, I never ventured too far from home, so I relied on my folks for support as far as friendship. I'm an introvert so making friends is so very hard. I question their motive, especially around this area. I'll stop here with my "book". It's getting too complicated to explain. You're right, I've so much "stuff" penned up inside of me I don't know where to start. Again, with all the hurt people are going through, thank you so much for taking an interest in me.....

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Hi Lonesomedove,

It doesn't seem fair. You had just finished cooking a nice meal and he was asking about the next one? That would have made me feel so frustrated and exhausted too...
I'm so sorry to hear things are difficult right now.
Sending you warm wishes and good thoughts.
I hope you are able to find a councelor or therapist. I have found it helpful.

Elana

Hi Elana,

Yes, I want to find a councelor, but have to wait awhile....my copay is $30.00 plus extra in which my insurance won't pay for since it isn't a dr. I'm seeing. I think of all that everyone else is going through and I'm ashamed of myself for asking for help here on this site. I think my biggest problem is that my whole life I've been sheltered. Never did much....too comfortable with the way things were in life. Now it's all desinigrating with the death of my mother and I can't cope with life. What friends I had, I've slowly drifted away. They showed their true colors so I kind of became a recluse. At work I have to battle with people. Ok, that's enough....that's another story. I'll stop here. Thank you for writing to me. Maybe life is worth living after all

[Emotionally Dead]

Well the first thing I would like to say is you aren't alone. There ARE people that care about you. Just look at all these strangers replying to you to just try to give you a little bit of happiness. So the first thing you should always remember is people do care, and you aren't alone in this world.

I am not completely alone in life. I've been hurt a lot by a lot of people, I had a Mother that walked out on me, a Father that was never in my life, and a Step-Father that was abusive while he was in my life that went from physical to mental. Luckily I have amazing Grandparents that are still alive and still appear to care for me, also an Aunt. They are all I have and though I DO have them at times I feel alone too. They don't always understand the things I am going through but compared to the rest of my family they've done a pretty good job of staying in my life. What I want YOU to know is that even though some of us aren't completely alone nearly every one of us feels lonely at times or feels alone. Even those that are married or have a decent relationship don't always feel great about it. A lot of times we feel lonely because we feel like no one really gets us. So there again you aren't alone if you look at it in that aspect.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I have two jobs and meet all kinds of new people, and although I don't generally keep contact with those people I get to talk to them for that day and that helps with feeling lonely. I am sure if you would try to go out some even if it's just to the movies or to a place where you could play pool or something you would meet some people and it would drastically change your opinion about being lonely. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to, and although you have your father he is getting very old and he's not going to be everything you need. You need to get away from that some times and meet some other people. Once you do that, I am sure you will realize there are people that care about you and are supportive and that you don't have to be alone.

I wish you all the best and if my post did nothing more I hope it at least made you feel a little better about your situation.

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead

Well the first thing I would like to say is you aren't alone. There ARE people that care about you. Just look at all these strangers replying to you to just try to give you a little bit of happiness. So the first thing you should always remember is people do care, and you aren't alone in this world.

I am not completely alone in life. I've been hurt a lot by a lot of people, I had a Mother that walked out on me, a Father that was never in my life, and a Step-Father that was abusive while he was in my life that went from physical to mental. Luckily I have amazing Grandparents that are still alive and still appear to care for me, also an Aunt. They are all I have and though I DO have them at times I feel alone too. They don't always understand the things I am going through but compared to the rest of my family they've done a pretty good job of staying in my life. What I want YOU to know is that even though some of us aren't completely alone nearly every one of us feels lonely at times or feels alone. Even those that are married or have a decent relationship don't always feel great about it. A lot of times we feel lonely because we feel like no one really gets us. So there again you aren't alone if you look at it in that aspect.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I have two jobs and meet all kinds of new people, and although I don't generally keep contact with those people I get to talk to them for that day and that helps with feeling lonely. I am sure if you would try to go out some even if it's just to the movies or to a place where you could play pool or something you would meet some people and it would drastically change your opinion about being lonely. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to, and although you have your father he is getting very old and he's not going to be everything you need. You need to get away from that some times and meet some other people. Once you do that, I am sure you will realize there are people that care about you and are supportive and that you don't have to be alone.

I wish you all the best and if my post did nothing more I hope it at least made you feel a little better about your situation.

Hi and thank you for all your support. You sure have been through a lot and have a level head about all of it. Me, I'm an emotional mess. I think at times I have social phobia that keeps me from doing things. Work is all I know. My job is such odd hours and days. Depression and worry is the only activities i know on my days off. It's got to stop....I know. I just have to figure out how and when. When or if I go to the movies, I've got to fight the emotional stuff of wishing my mother was with me like it used to be. We did everything together. Wish I could run away from it all. I'm so tired right now....I'll close and really appreciate your care and concern.

[kiim]

My situation might be different but I feel exactly the same, and I know how bad it feels
I am here for you, your post made me cry.. I care about you.

[lifeisgoodx10]

I'm in a similar situation. I am a caregiver in my job as well. I do not live with a parent but they are both aging and I'm considering moving back to my hometown to care for them. I went through a divorce last year and made a 200 mile move this summer to a new city and new job. Since the move (and a a couple months prior to) I have been slipping in and out of depression. Right now all I want to do is isolate. I run and workout, and if I didn't I don't know where I'd be. I have stopped socializing and even made excuses the past two weeks to not go visit family. I do see my x occasionally and I believe this is one reason for the depression. Even though I am having a terrible time getting over him, being with him makes me more depressed. But I cannot seem to let him go completely. I have plans to start work on my masters in January but if I don't get ahold of myself those plans will go by the wayside too.

[lonesomedove]

Originally Posted by kiim

My situation might be different but I feel exactly the same, and I know how bad it feels
I am here for you, your post made me cry.. I care about you.

Hi Kiim,

I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday, wasn't feeling well. i've been reading some of the posts....everyone has a sad story. Makes me cry just reading theirs. Thank you for caring about me too. I want to be there for you too. Right now, things seem ok, I've been on this seizure med, which is also for depression. I don't know but somethings happening to me. I've felt pretty good today....not so much of the doom and gloom (and my father doesn't look as hard on me as I thought)..... I don]t know it could all be me and my perseption of life. Also, been writing like a diary here on this site....that seems to help too. I'snt it hard with all these up and down feelings. Ya never know from day to day how you'll feel. Oh thank you so much for caring. I needed that, especially knowing that I'll be going to work tomorrow where people could care less about me

[turquoisesea]

I'm coming late to this thread so I think you've already gotten a lot of good thoughts. Glad you're writing a diary that has REALLY helped me. Hope the meds keep working!

I think alot of depression, in general (dunno for sure about you) is our perception of life, like you say. But it's also physical brain chemistry, our situation in life... all sorts of things. So I've found it best not to be hard on myself when it comes to that, but to try to change my perspective as best I can and remind myself that lots of it is coming from bad chemicals in the brain, or having been taught the wrong way through most of my life how to deal with things. Keep posting, I love your username btw =)

[lonegael]

Hi lonesome dove; reading your posts, I thought, yep, that's a caregiver, more worried about the woe her psot will cause to us than the need she herself has. as you see, there are a lot of us here. I think that those of us with mood problems are those who feel a lot for others and in one way or another end up in positions or professions where we care for others, although in the case of your father, it doesn't sound like you have much choice. One thing is pretty sure though, when we listen to each other, we are heard ourselves. and that is pretty darned important. It sounds like not being heard and not being seen except to be used is something you have had enough of.
So welcome. Hope you find the support you need, and don't be shy about coming here for it! HUGGGGSSSSS!

[kebsfroggy]

Hi lonesomedove, as you can see many here can relate to your experiences and feelings. Everyone has provided good information and ideas so this frog of little brain doesn't have much to offer.
I do have an elderly (85) father and my mother passed a little over a year ago from ovarian cancer. I don't live with my dad but do visit him from time to time. Our visits are usually reliving old war stories or wishing he had done things differently with my mom.
It must be very difficult to live under your circumstances. My heart goes out to you. Please feel free to post any time. We're always willing to listen and visit.

[Lizabelle]

Hi-

I am really sorry to hear about what has been going on. I don't think that I can do anything but offer my encouragement. I really hope that you feel better, and that things turn out all right.
My prayers are with you!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by lonesomedove

I've got to fight the emotional stuff of wishing my mother was with me like it used to be. We did everything together...

Hi again lonesomedove,

I can really relate to this. I spent most of my life (up to my late 20's) living with or near my mom. We did everything together. At times I miss her so much. But... it also could be a difficult relationship b/c she drinks a lot and always has. Since she moved away 3 years ago I have been the one who has pulled away. So I guess my situation is more that I have pulled away for my own mental health reasons. But... I just wanted to say that as you begin to get out a little bit and meet a person here and there you may begin to find someone who you really enjoy spending time with. I think pretty soon you may be able to find comfort deep within yourself for spending time alone or with a chosen friend. I just wanted to say... True, I don't think that "longing" ever really goes away. But over time it can fade and the person you love and care for (in this case your mom) takes a certain place in your heart while you grow and learn to live and enjoy your life without them... I think therapy can really help in this area...

Sending supportive thoughts...
E