[LittleForgetMeNot]

I love taking pictures. Love, love, love taking them! I also like taking pictures of myself as well.. BUT I always come out looking so horrible in them! 10 times worse than I see myself in the mirror. Pictures, videos, anything like that, I am unhappy with. I have no idea why. People say we look the same as we do in real life as pictures.. so why do pictures always come out so crappy?

I could take 100 pictures of myself (and I have before) looking for the one that doesn't look like ****, and I'll NEVER find it.

[lynn09]

Hi, LittleForgetMeNot. Depression has a vicious way of skewing our perceptions, especially of ourselves - makes us hypercritical of ourselves - tells us all kinds of lies about who we are and are not, tricks us into measuring ourselves against unrealistic standards in order to set us up to fail.

You need to become your own best friend and be just as accepting of yourself as you are of your friends. Do you obsess the same way about the way your friends and other people you love look in person or in pictures? I suspect you don't. Do the best that you can with what you have to work with and focus more on the character qualities you want to possess and epitomize. Flesh is frail and subject to all kinds of wear, tear, damage, aging, etc.; no matter what you do, it will never be "perfect." Your true identity - who you choose to become, the character qualities you choose to develop, the way you treat others - is much more important than the packaging can ever be. Ease up on yourself there! lynn09

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

I love taking pictures. Love, love, love taking them! I also like taking pictures of myself as well.. BUT I always come out looking so horrible in them! 10 times worse than I see myself in the mirror. Pictures, videos, anything like that, I am unhappy with. I have no idea why. People say we look the same as we do in real life as pictures.. so why do pictures always come out so crappy?

I could take 100 pictures of myself (and I have before) looking for the one that doesn't look like ****, and I'll NEVER find it.

I hate seeing myself in photos and try to avoid having my picture taken because of that. The only time I think a photo of me looks good is if I'm 100% happy & having a good time at the moment the photo was taken. It's like the happiness gives me a special 'glow' or something. Even when I can fake it for the people around me, the photo never lies because the 'spark' is missing.

Perhaps you don't like the photos atm because you can see that your 'spark' is missing too?? Here's hoping it returns soon

*Willow*

[LittleForgetMeNot]

The thing though, I'm horrible with friends. I'm horrible with people all around. I'm a very selfish, dramatic, bossy and angry individual. I envision how I want people to be around me, how I want the situation to go, and then always get so upset if it doesn't end up that way. I blame people for things they cannot help and I push a lot of my friends away. I have trust issues and the fear that everyone is out to get me; that everything someone says is a lie.

I suppose you could say, I use people as a punching bag, and as soon as they grow tired of it and I have nothing left, I use myself.

It's hard to see beauty in something with such an ugly personality.

[Belle1979]

You do not have an ugly personality on here so I do find it hard to associate your description of yourself with you. You are a sensible, mature and loving girl.

As for the pictures... well I think that in 90% of photos i look like another person.. others have agreed.. I tend to photograph well.. so they are not a true refection of anyones beauty imo

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I tend to think a lot about myself, and talk a lot about myself to people. I can't really have a normal conversation. But what is bad is that, my paranoia partnered up with my ability to reveal wayyyy too much about my life really ends up betraying me. I'll say too much, and then for the rest of that friendship I'll be scared if they really care or if they're lying to my face. Yell at them when I think they're lying, etc. all of that fun stuff. I did that to Jesse a lot, as well as Rachel. We got into tons of arguments, and I can specifically remember them both telling me to stop being so paranoid and actually trust them for once, or telling me that not everyone is out to get me like I act.

I base my view of my personality on how I interact with people..

[Belle1979]

trust... Jesse and Rachel... thats wasn't paranoia that was your gut telling you the truth about them

[LittleForgetMeNot]

lol, about them, well i suppose that's true. when i went through my old chat logs with him, (which i have deleted) i noted a lot of the times where i told him it seemed like he was hiding things from me, how he seemed distant, all the times i called him out on his lies but i had no proof.

when i used to be upset, and he used to try to say "oh but ily" and all that, i used to retaliate and say "no you don't, i'm just your back up, that one person you go to when you have nobody else so you'll feel wanted. and if i dont want u, u'll guilt me back to u cause you know i'll give in and forgive you." and recently, through that stupid website of his i found out that whole accusation (that i threw on him so many times) was true. every time that other girl didn't like him, he would come back, and he admitted it. The last time i spoke to him when he was whining about rachel, he told me he was GUILTING (he actually used that word) her into getting back with him. When I heard that, I just thought like, wow, I was completely right. My blind accusations, those things I said without any proof, words that were just from an emotional rage, were all true. What was even scarier to me was that I sensed all these things through a computer screen, off pixelated text.

I think i might be physic :x

[Belle1979]

now that would be something but then life wouldn't be interesting if you could tell what was going to happen!

I think that rage and blind accusations have to come from somewhere.

When I accused Mark of having another woman.. he lied, got angry and bascially made me feel like crap.. for doubting him.. well it made me doubt myself and guess what, I shouldn't have as I was correct!

The anger and intuition has to come from somewhere I believe.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

With Rachel I actually admire her way with words. The way she would lie, it seemed like she was pouring out her heart and soul. It was more than just "I don't feel that way, I really do care". It was very long paragraphs of words explaining feelings that seemed so honest and true, that it would make you feel guilty for ever suspecting any wrong of such an innocent and good friend, without her ever actually accusing you of anything. But I guess what was what she wanted me to feel, because she did what she did. It goes with what they say, I suppose, that sometimes the most charming ones are the most dangerous.

I would have never known who Rachel truly was if she had not revealed her true self to me.. actually, to be honest she didn't. I could only predict what she was going to do. Her talent with words didn't reflect on her ability to plan and her schemes were always a cycle: take the guy I like. I think it's funny though, I remember once in August, I believe around the last time I spoke to her after she had taken Jesse but before I knew, she told me she could read me like a book.. and now when I go back on those words, it was really only me who was doing the reading. I'm a person who analyzes people. I sensed her jealousy but didn't want to believe it cause I sensed other things as well from her.

I always debated with myself if it wasn't just a bad personality and ill feelings, or if there was something else in there. I mean me and her had a perfect friendship mostly, until I started liking guys and as soon as I did she felt the need to tear us apart. She used to tell me that she was afraid of loosing me and she was selfish and just wanted to keep me all to herself. She treated our friendship as if it were a relationship, which I found so frustrating as well as confusing.

With Jesse, I got his personality in an instant. He was an insecure, selfish guy, who had lived out most of his life with rejection. He over-romanticized everything, the one he was with was always who he was gonna be with forever. He was also hostile, mean, lazy and insensitive under all that supposed "caring" but I felt bad for his insecurity and I wanted to play nurse, therapist and hero.

With Rachel I could never tell who she really was, I could never see through her actions like I could with Jesse. I still can't figure her out. She kept saying a lot, that she hated me, she hated me, she hated me, I was a horrible friend and all that, but so many times had we stopped being friends and she would always come back and try to make it all nice again. I never got that. I still don't. I don't obsess about it anymore though, but it's something that goes through my mind every now and then.

But enough about my frustrating past "friends" () this is supposed to be about my low self-esteem.

[kebsfroggy]

LittleForgetMeNot
If photographs are a reflection of yourself then I sank with the titanic. Even when I'm "smiling" I look like I'm frowning and being 50 lbs overweight doesn't help.
The closest I get to a real photograph of myself is my avatar.

[lonegael]

First, Kebbs, It makes me want to run over and hugggggg you right away, which probably makes you want to throw your coffee in my face and run screaming for your life
And second, I don't think that last discussion was off topic at all. Hon, It showed that you are able to first, recognize that you aren't responsible for when other people can't manage to be honest in a relationship. it doesn't sound like you stage managed that one at all; you responded to appropriate cues that you were getting from them (like being told you were a crappy friend just to have her come back and make up all the time? WHat's with that?)and interpretted them correctly. That s not paranoia. Paranoia is taking your own internal únacceptable feelings and assigning them to otherpeople, with yourself as the target. Usually. So you see cues that aren't there and respond inapropriately to those that are.
so, on one level, your self esteem is actualy pretty good in that you know you can do this. On one level depression is telling you you can't, but on another, you don't really buy it hook line and sinker yet. This is good.
Remember, when you see a picture, you are also seeing all you associate with that picture, all the emotional cues as well. If you are depressed, and depression is telling you that you are pretty disgusting, then that is likely to be what you feel when you see yourself, whether that is what I would see when i see your picture or not. Frankly, I kind of doubt that I would be disgusted by it at all. HUGGGGGGGGGGSSSS!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

i have the constant feeling of being inferior to anyone else. i feel less than those around me. i feel selfish and unkind. my appearance isn't greatly improved by me being in the midst of my teen years and having extremely sensitive skin. washing my face with the most gentlest cleansers will dry it out completely, and then i break out and its just not fun. my hair is very "fly away" i guess, and can look like i haven't showered in 5 days after one night. it doesn't help that while following my dad around on his paper route last week one of the security guards thought i was a boy. both my parents have perfect teeth but i was some how not blessed with this and have to wear braces, and my eyes are really horrible from so many years of sitting around in front of the computer.

I've had friends, and strangers tell me I'm very pretty or cute. But then there's the other side where I've been called anorexic because I'm thin, as well as too fat (?) or like that guy called me a boy when i wasn't wearing eyeliner (which is the only thing i wear), or i look like a nerd, or "i should really dress better" cause i like baggy sweaters.

I really envy those girls who know how to put themselves together, who know what type of clothes and hairstyles work for them, and can afford to buy 100 dollars worth of products to live and look as a celebrity.