i AM A MESS

I know this will be moved, it's ok I just don't know where I fit in. I am so sad, depressed, and life is meaningless to me any more. I fear my marriage may be falling apart, my own doing. No one neads me, my husband does but I just feel......I don;t know......I can't stop crying, I wont eat, my mind is tempting me, I am in so much physical pain as well and mental, my meds do NOTHING, I could go on but why bother any one. I am due to travel back "home" to be with my family, my children mainly and I am terrified. My father is dieing, how can I be strong for THAT my God. My dad is a mean man, always has been and I have prayed for this day to come, now I feel terrible. My kids act as if they don't need mommy any more, the have MONEY NOW and seem happy to know they can have and do anything they want. My middle child hasn't really changed, he is so loving and tells me I can always call him by his nickname I gave him when he was a baby. His younger sister, my little girl OMG, it hurts so much knowing I am missing out on so much, she told me she is growing up and doesn't need me that much. She is only going to be 9 for crying out loud. So I will honor her request and try to......hell I don't know any more. I don't even know my own kids. They act so different in the short time I saw them last. I had them almost the entire summer and since then, every thing has changed in ME I guess for the worse. I have to go now. My husband will be home and he doesn;t like me coming here. He feels it is making me worse, it's not. Here I can tell the truth. In person I try to hide, I am ashamed of myslelf and it has caused me to act out and say terrible things to the man of my dreams. I have hurt him, he is not my kids father, their real father is in a family of power and money, I couldn't take it any more and had an affair with this man, I lied to him, he thought i wasn't married or he would NEVER have met me, look at me now. I am his wife and hold so many secrets that are coming out of me badly.
What do I do? I am so alone and afraid to tell him every thing but he knows something BAD is wrong with me. He tells me to leave if I feel going back will make me happy, I can never go back. I just want my children back, I have paid the price long enough for my sins. He is here, I must go. He knows I am sad mad and so much more. I wish I could tell him what i tell all of you ppl that I don;t even know, but if I do he won't love me, so I stay silent. No one can help me. It's to late but I thank you all who read this. Good bye.

oh midnight sending you lots of warm hugs!!!! it is complicated. what could you do to simplify and address one thing at a time? i know you miss your children from other posts. that is always a mother's pain when they are not with them. but can you see a therapist to try to sort all these emotions that are rushing towards you? if i was you there is no way i could deal with it alone...it probably makes you depressed and feeling helpless and hopeless. i felt that way one time and my T literally saved my life. do keep posting so we know how you are. if ranting helps, do it. hold on dear one. there are solutions...you just can't do this all alone imho.

Hello, midnight_soul. I hope you find some peace.

Hi Midnight Soul,
It's not too late.....it may not be of any consolation, but in all of your hardships, think of your middle child...not that I'm saying to prefer this child over the others, God has a way of sending us kisses when all seem lost. I know what it's like to feel like you're losing everything, and that there is no way out (that is a lie that the enemy wishes for you to believe) The fact that I'm typing this to you...is my proof of Gods rescueing power when all seem lost...PLEASE HOLD ON!!! The answer is in the picture that you posted below your entry. You can read my testimony "my forty days" in my site. I pray that it brings encouragement to you. HOLD ON! PS. You're NOT A MESS !!, it's a test.

Hey Midnight_Soul,

Ok.... This wasnt on the plan for u right! U sounded so much happier when we last spoke. I hope u can pull through today at least. Can u speak to ur pdoc? I hope u can come back on and talk to us.

Btw my friends say the same thing bout comin on here. But it DOES help me.

Hope ur ok!

Xxx

Thank you every one. Yes, I have a T. I must stop due to how shall I say, I am not asking for anything, but we can't pay him so....he won't see me. piece of **** made me this way, all the ECT'S and look at me. I am so full of hate, anger, lonelyness and more. My husband says I am worse now than before I saw this T and did these treatements. I don't know what to do now. I don't give a damn. God has left me, I don't trust in him even though I have this fake beautiful picture in my sig. He loves as he chooses, and I am not the chosen one. oh well. if that picture helps any of u, great. I need to post else where I think. I don't want to hurt any one with my hate, my anger etc. would the moderator kindly send me a private message telling me where i should go? I think I will stop now. I wish all of you the best, I mean that. My posting is stoping for a while, but I read every day.

Hey Midnight,

I wish u would love urself the way u use to. Its really hard for u at the moment and I hear it wen I read ur post.

Time out maybe a good idea for u! Recharge ur batteries. I do hope u come back now and again let us no how ur gettin on.

Is there no free therapies u can use? Counsellors here come government Funded. Ye there is a waiting list and ye u only get X amount of sessions but its kinda worth while. I am not really into religion. Although I no a lot of people r on here. I hope u find inner strength. God to me doesnt have ALL the answers..... He only nos somethings. We no the rest.

I hope ur ok xxx

(((((((((((Midnightsoul))))))))))))) just rmember right now that even if you don't post or if you don't feel you can believe in anything , there are manyhere, myself included, who care very much for you a nd will continue to do so. Hang in there. Do what you need to do, and get through this. HUGGGGGGGGSSSSSSS, and peace to you, hon. My thoughts are and will be with you.