where has everything gone too??

This is not about anyone here at PC. I'm only writing here because I have no place else to let my emotions out. No place else to turn, no one that really cares any ways. Maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here....what will happen...people will hate me if they don't already...should that matter....it does....but why should it....I can't decide.............

It's really upsetting when you think people get you and understand you but then find out they are just being around you because they feel they have to be. I feel I have worked very hard at my recovery for 3 1/2 years yet I'm still so lost. Still don't know who I am, what I should be, who I should be.

I don't understand why, when I try so hard to change my life, I feel I am hit with so much loss, dispare, hurt, and disappointment. I feel I have given so much of myself, my feelings, emotions, thoughts, to my old T, and I've lost him....I've done so much to make my life at home better....to know avail. I've even put myself out there to be abused, again, when I thought I would never do that again. It's my fault, I was only asking for it. Not to mention, I lost my parents to me going to therapy, listening to my T, trying to do what I thought was good for me. I want to take it all back.

I want, maybe.....my head it so running, so fast I can't think....where does this lead me....dead end.

I have an MRI next Monday the 29th to see if the mass in my head has grown. These are times when I just wish it would take over my brain and let me go. It' doesn't really matter if I'm here or not.

((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))) - I can really hear and feel your pain and frustration - OUCH! I'm soooo sorry - I'm pretty much in the same place right now myself.

I don't hate you, and I'm sure there are plenty of others here and in your real life that don't hate you either - and if anyone does, that's THEIR problem!

It is not your "fault" that you were abused again - your abuser is responsible for their own misbehavior. Those of us with backgrounds of abuse frequently have difficulty staying out of abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Having been abused in the past, especially for prolonged periods of time, we don't always recognize abuse for what it is right away because we're used to it - our minds have learned to "accept" a certain level of abuse as "normal," so we don't always see the red flags or hear the alarms until the abuse escalates above a certain point. Also, we have a tendency to actually be attracted to abusers because we feel "comfortable" because it's familiar - and even being around non-abusers can be very uncomfortable and unsettling because it is foreign to us - we don't know what we are seeing and it scares us - and we even have a tendency to think that we don't deserve to be treated with respect and consideration due to the damage inflicted on our identities and self-esteem by our abusers.

Your user ID and your signature quotes say so much - they speak to hope even when you are feeling so hopeless. I understand your feelings of despair and loss over the efforts you have made that have not produced the results you hoped for. Healing, just like the rest of life, is a "trial-and-error" process - a matter of learning what does and does not work for you - so your efforts and experiences to date have not been wasted. Even though your efforts have not produced the positive results you want, at least you know some of the things that don't work and you can eliminate them and move on to the next approach.

I know that you invested a lot of yourself in your last T and are deeply wounded by how that relationship ended. However, this does not mean that the same thing is going to happen with your next T - it may or may not - but you have to keep trying out Ts until you find the right one - the one who is qualified and able to help you reap the best return on your investment of your time and energy. I know - it's exhausting even to think of starting from scratch with a new T - been there! The truth is, however, that you really are not starting from scratch because you are taking into that new T/client relationship all that you have learned from your past experiences.

You need and deserve the very best treatment and support available to help you become the person you want to be and to create the life you want for yourself. Those who are not or cannot be willing and able to provide the specific support you need must be weeded out whether you like them as individuals or not - it's about making progress towards achieving your goals and improving the quality of your life - your one and only life. This is important work you are doing, and you are the BOSS looking to employ the very best staff to do the jobs that you need done.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing - and how the MRI comes out. Please take extra-gentle care of yourself - be kind, care, and compassionate towards yourself. You're not a machine - you're a frail, flawed human being just like the rest of us trying to figure out how to make the best of the life and time allotted to us mere mortals. Ease up on yourself. lynn09

Lynn said it SO well, that how can I add anything to it. All I can say is YOU ARE IMPORTANT HERE. You count!!! We NEED you here. We WANT you here!!! Please don't forget that! Many of us feel a bit confused as you do. But we have to keep trying and keep talking - we'll soon find our way. You're doing a GREAT job at expressing yourself. We CAN get past the hurt and the abuse. We're with you all the way. God bless you "Trying" and please keep posting! Hugs, Lee

Don't think I am important here. That is obvious with this post.

I'm sorry you're feeling so "invisible" right now, but you're no less important than anyone else here, (((tryingtobeme))). What is making you feel unimportant? Is it because you didn't receive many replies to this thread? Please don't judge yourself so harshly. Most everyone here has felt the very same way at some point.

I don't reply to every post I read; and, looking at the statistics for each thread in each Forum, there are always way more "views" than replies for each thread. Not that many people reply to the threads I start either, but I think that when others don't respond more often than not it's because they don't know what to say to make the person feel better and they don't want to make them feel worse by saying the wrong thing, and/or they're struggling with their own issues at the moment and just can't respond. This time of year is really rough for many PC members and it may be difficult for them to support others when they are in need of extra support themselves. In other words, it's probably us, not you.

However, many members will gladly respond to PMs even when they're not really up to posting in the Forums. Any time you need more support than what you are receiving in the Forums, don't hesitate to send PMs to those with whom you have established a relationship. The worst thing you can do is allow those negative feelings to get a hold on you because Depression will feed on them and get a tighter grip. Also, if people aren't responding to a particular thread that you've started, just go ahead and start another thread - do whatever it takes to let others know that you need input and support NOW!

By the way, have you gotten the results of your MRI back yet? Please let us know when you do, and just keep posting and PMing until you get the support you need. lynn09

i just am COMPLETELY identifying with EVERYTHING you say. you know?
i have been trying to put my life together for like 5 years during college and then quit it....

I feel unimportant and isolated despite having 2 Ts - one clinical and one only a yoga like holistic.

I have been trying to do this...do that..has been feeling like "what`s the point?" We really want they suffering to end. At the same time - the pain source is the insignificance of our lives...i know it sounds big but so damn true.

I feel exactly your way was abused and put myself for abused and did everything my first T years ago told me and still it was never enough

Still hanging there. Just like you. Good luck.

Why would you say "that's obvious with this post...?" according to the replies ...I would have felt otherwise...(((((((HUGGS)))))~W~

((((((((((((((((tryingtobeme))))))))))))))))

How low you must be feeling ttbme, how dreadfully lost and alone you sound. Let me add just a few words in the hope that you will fully and truly understand something.

ttbme you are important, whether you realise at the moment or not you are important and valuable. If anyone has said or written anything that makes you feel less than you are, please don't listen.

You may feel lost at the moment and it does sound as if you've invested a lot in your therapist but didn't receive much in turn. Your therapist should have seen this emotional attachment forming & should've done something about it; you should not have been left hanging with no direction and no forward growth.

There is a way forward for you and there is relief and growth for you too. If you start in one section of your illness and work on that and the issues that have arisen from it, you will feel relief and you will come to be strong and you will feel that strength and the forward movement it encourages within you.

Any help we can give you is here. Please keep posting so that we can help and support you to the best of our ability.

Safe hugs to you

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. I still feel very invisable in my life. My home life, well it isn't really that bad when I look at things. I know my husband does love me and we have had our issues, I just hope we stay on the right path and continue to make our lives stronger.
Just had the MRI a few hours ago. I have to wait for the surgeon to call me and let me know how bad it has gotton.

((((((((((((Trying to be me ))))))))))))))))) Please, let us know hwat's happening with you, OK? You ARE important.

Nothing new yet on the results. Still waiting.