Long post, please read (and reply if you have time)

Do you know what I realised today?
I realised that I wish I never existed.
No, not I wish to die.
I don't want to die. That would hurt the people I care for and just cause so much trouble. Plus, it never seemed to work anyway.
But I wish that I never existed. Never was born.
I havent contributed anything to the earth, nor will I ever. I'm useless at everything I try. Be it cheering others up, acting, giving advice, drawing, etc.

It's very confusing. I dont feel particularly sad anymore.
Just numb.
I mean, I still feel guilty and scared and hopeless and worthless. But not sad.
I dont think this feels better than being sad though. At least with sad I could label it and cry and write about it. With numbness, its as if there's nothing that I can do about it.

I also feel bad because I cut myself for the first time in a couple of weeks. I keep trying to stop, but i'm not strong enough.

I told some old friends about how I feel the other night. Everything. But they joked about it, thought i was kidding.
I can't tell them again. I'm too scared.
And I cant tell anyone else.
The one person I feel that I could tell has so many problems of his own that are more important and serious than mine, that I dont want to share my negativity with him.

So, as with every post I make on here, I end with how I'm feeling stuck.
I dont know what to do. You'd think after 5 1/2 years this would be over.
I've even tried herbal remedies, none of which work. But I'm too much of a wuss to go to the doctors (the last time I went was over 7 years ago).

Sod this.

Sorry about the rant guys, but I dont know who else I can talk to. xxxxx

Hi Music Rules Me,

The world is a much better place because you exist.
The feeling that the world is better off without us is a hallmark of depression.
I urge you to get to the doctor.
Medication can often really be helpful, and there are good new ones coming out all the time.
Seeing a therapist can really help too...
You deserve to feel better.
Hang in there and please take care of you.
You deserve to feel better, not numb anymore.

Sending supportive thoughts your way...

E

THAT is familiar!

I regret the response of your old friends to your feelings, but I'm not surprised. Few of us have the kind of friends to whom we can tell such, friends who'll handle what they don't understand with care.

You go ahead and "rant", Music Rules Me, and preserve the rants for the day when you will have a friend or a professional with whom you can share them.

Music Rules Me,
I have often wished the very same. They promise me some form of life, even in death and I do not want it. I want to disappear.
I can also relate to you about the numbness... it is nothing and yet it is everything.
And yet, all is not lost. There is help out there and there is a hope of feeling and wanting to live again. I hope you that you are able to reach out to a doctor. You are not alone in this, Music Rules Me. You are never alone. It may not be easy and it make scare you to death, but courage is not the absence of fear, but doing something in spite of fear.
I am sorry about the reaction of your friends... it is hard for so many people to understand and what we fail to understand, we fear.

Hello, Music Rules Me. May you soon find music that gets you dancing.

Thankyou very much, all of you, for your encouraging words.

It's just very hard for me to do anything about anything:
- I cant tell my friends because they have so many problems of their own.
- I cant tell my parents because theyre the nicest, most loving people ever and i wont allow them to blame themselves (also, they dont believe in depression or anything like that)
- I cant tell the doctor because Im too scared to go there.

So yeah, for the time being, having you all listen to my rambles does give me some support and once again I thank you all. xxxxx

Music_Rules_Me, I know what you're going through.
I feel that way all the time now. As you said, "not particularly sad, just numb".
Doctors scare me too. They might diagnose me with something awful, or try to prescribe some medicine that will mess with my head.
But counseling helps. You say that you want to talk to someone- there's your solution. Their job is to listen to you, so you don't need to feel like you are burdening them with your problems. And they can give you tools to help keep the sadness/numbness away. It can be scary to talk to them at first, I know. (And I don't think anyone knows that better than me. ) But it gets better, trust me. It gets a *lot* better.
I hope you find some help, and start to feel better!

See, i understand that what you said is the best solution, but i've been to the counciller before and i couldnt tell her anything about what i was feeling, i just ended up talking about my past and stuff.
I dont know, i suppose that i want to tell people about it, but i just cant bring myself to. I'm too scared.
So, i dont know what I'm going to do. Every suggestion is better than what i'm doing, yet i still cant do it. =/
But thankyou for your support. xxxxx

i have all the feelings u have & its a really dark lonely place just wish i could go away to a long term mental hospital & live there i dont feel i serve any purpose i cant even cry cuz of the zoloft yes im on meds but like they always said in the psych wards i cant just depend on the meds well i work out read my bible but i realized im gainin all this weight cuz im a stupid sugar addict & workouts arent enuff to burn it all off i just hate myself & hate everything i feel so ugly i know ive been depressed since childhood also cant talk to anyone noone to talk to anyways i feel like giving up my exercise & eating but then i will just get fatter & fatter & even more depressed. i have a t but i dont want to go out of the house i need to write him a letter & explain maybe he will commit me but last time he said theyve got to where they dont commit u unless ur gonna kill urself or hurt urself & i jokingly said well i can always accomodate em by standing there & cuttin away like i feel like doin rite now cant go on like this

There is no shame in asking for help..we all need encouragement sometime. Give a doctor a chance, I went through many before I found a keeper. Take care