[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello all,

Well I haven't been here in a couple days due to a case of the stomach flu. It couldn't have come at a worst time.
Last week I took an excess of pills of Depakote and Norvasc wanting it all to end and figured because of all the days I missed, I would be fired. I work four hours away from where I live. I came home, called my work and to my surprise they gave me one more chance. I was so pumped up, imagining a better life for me and my partner, paying off some of my debts, and getting an Ipod Touch 4G. I was supposed to return to work Wed, the 15th.
Monday morning I woke up with the worst heartburn I've ever had, took a zantac, and then started throwing up. When I kept throwing up and then started having diarrhea (I'm sorry about the details), I realized I was having the stomach flu or gastroenteritis as we call it. It was the worst day and I felt my partner wasn't as supportive as he could have been. I probably wasn't the most pleasant person to be around though.
All I could think that day besides getting better was that it had to be fast so that I could leave to travel to my work destination at 3am on Wed morning. That night I had a fever and couldn't keep warm. Today, Tuesday, I feel sick to my stomach and still have diarrhea although I am not throwing up anymore. I feel too sick to go to work, and certainly can't leave to go to the motel in the city where I work at 3am. As it stands, I'm writing this at 2am on Wed morning. This is first time I've been up since I got sick.
So now my dreams of giving my job my all are ruined. I feel like calling them and telling them that they have been so understanding but that this is not fair to them and quit the professional relationship. Granted, this "excuse" was not for psychological reasons but still, I know my manager has lost all faith in me.
Here I had insurance with this job and was looking forward to getting a pdoc and T and being proactive. I was arrested for DUI on November *no prior criminal record* and have a hearing in January, face thousands of dollars in fines and possible jail time, can't pay an attorney, owe family thousands of dollars and I just don't know what to do. Strangely I'm not suicidal right now.
My parents want me to move back with them for a little while but I don't know if that would be a good idea. I feel I can't leave my partner, and he can't come with me.
I feel I just need to to work and all my problems will go away but the same story happens over and over and over again. Get job, lose job to absences, spend time off recovering, go further into debt, feel empowered again, get job, lose job..."loop"
Thanks for letting me get this out.

Z

P.S. My partner swears that my stomach flu is the result of an anxiety attack. I told him I knew it wasn't. I've had the stomach flu before and know what's like. It takes away every ounce of strength one has...at least in my case.

[Rohag]

Hello, Mustkeepjob32! Sorry about the stomach flu.

Question: Have you frequently been employed far from where you live? How much stress does that contribute?

[Chaddiwicker]

I hope you feel better soon.

In the past, when I've been unable to go to work due to depression, I would call in sick. I would lie and say I have a physical ailment because I feel ashamed about being depressed and judged because people think depression is something you should be able to just "work through". Then I would start feeling guilty for calling in sick and lying and would just stop going to work out of shame and the depression would just spiral.

It doesn't sound like they've fired you yet. Going in when you feel better may be hard, but try if you can. You were honest that you are sick. There should be no shame in that.

That four hour commute sounds burdensome all by itself.

Take care of yourself.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thank you all for your comments. I do feel recovered from the stomach flu mostly. I did talk to my work and am going down to part time, actually per diem. This means that I can work as little as I want essentially. It doesn't help the pills but at least I'm not fired and am still with the organization.
Yes the drive is not fun! I have been doing this kind of thing for a year, or at least trying to. It has to do with that my partner can't leave where he's at, and there was a hard time finding a job where we were.

[SophiaG]

That's good that you weren't fired. All hope is not lost.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Today I slept all day which is not good. It just made me feel worse. I see my old friend emailed me and said he just passed his Family Nurse Practitioner test and will now be able to prescribe. I feel so jealous.
Him and I were best friends but I feel he used me. For years he would drain me by only telling me about HIS problems, HIS HORRIBLE problems. He never asked about me. If I needed to talk, it was like pulling teeth. Finally when I met my partner, I was able to slowly get away from my friend. And now he was able to continue professoinally to where he's at now and I haven't been at all. I've stayed stagnant. I should be happy for him but I I hate him for it and want to talk to him and say horrible mean sarcastic things to him. Because he drained the life out of me for years, and now this. Where's at was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be the Nurse Practitioner.

Z

[(JD)]

You do sound stuck to me... and with a partner that isn't giving you support but adding to your stress?

Why not change things up and give yourself a chance for that new beginning? If your partner really is who you need him to be, then even if you stay at your folk's place, he'll still be there for you (if he is.)

Parents often have good ideas, and connections and wisdom at times too that we can all use. Sometimes we don't realize that until too late, and they're gone.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down on your life. I do hope you can find a therapist that will help you sort things through. You haven't always felt so low, and you can feel better in the future. It might not be easy though. I don't think you want your life to end, but your life as it is now to end...and you can make some changes without dying for them.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks JD. I'm sure my partner would understand if I stayed with my parents for a little bit but I don't want to do that to him, leave him in this ugly living situation down here alone.
I don't want to die at this point but I am going through "a living nighmare" where it is impossible for me to see a bright future. I am so caught up in resentment towards so many people. I finished my associate degree in 2003 and have essentially done nothing since them. I've just kept spiraling down more and more in every facet of my life.
I need to find a way to be stronger and not give in to weakness. I know that IF I DID work full-time, I would make enough money to have an OK life. The problem is I think about weird stuff like the following: Why work so hard when I could die in a horrible car accident? Or if I might die a horrible slow death of liver failure? I have such a horrible fear of death I guess...
Thanks everyone for your great comments on my thread! I feel your support!

Z

[Chaddiwicker]

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

I don't want to die at this point but I am going through "a living nighmare" where it is impossible for me to see a bright future.

I've just kept spiraling down more and more in every facet of my life.
I need to find a way to be stronger and not give in to weakness.

The problem is I think about weird stuff like the following: Why work so hard when I could die in a horrible car accident? Or if I might die a horrible slow death of liver failure? I have such a horrible fear of death I guess...

I relate with much of what you've said. I've had a decent couple of days, mood wise. I notice I do better when I know I don't have to go out into the world. The anxiety starts when I know I have an appointment coming up or have to go grocery shopping or something.

Thinking about getting back into the workforce. When I think beyond that, however, I wonder why try? I've never liked any job I've ever had. I didn't finish my degree so the likelihood of me doing "OK" is slim. At best, I will be able to subsist. I have student loans that I'll never be able to repay and they'll probably take a large chunk of whatever I make anyway.

Then there's the likelihood that I'll never have a relationship in the future. I'm "over the hill" in gay years. I'm not what society considers attractive. I'm not attracted to people like myself.

And I have little interest in anything. I mean anything. Television and the internet are about it. I don't really want to meet any new friends. I'm satisfied with what I have (which is two, three if you include my mom).

What's there to live for? I'm not suicidal right now, but I have a hard time imagining living life for the next 30 or more years. I have thoughts that I wish I would get sick. Of course, I want the most painless, quick illness that exists. Which is a clear example of warped thinking because how many deaths are painless?

My therapist said something I like when we met on Friday. She said that depression is about looking at the past and feeling powerless to change it and anxiety is fear about the future. I think there's a lot of truth in that for me and I'm trying to remember the past without ruminating on it. The future part I'm having a harder time with. I've been feeling a lot of pressure to change everything RIGHT NOW. The therapist was good about reminding me that it'll take time.

Anyway, I guess I blathered on about all that because I get a lot out of reading your posts because I feel we have similar issues. This helps me feel less like I'm the only one. I hope me sharing my "stuff" is helpful for you or others in some way.

Will you still have insurance working "per diem"? Will you be able to get a therapist? I know you said you were hoping to but I didn't know how recent events affect that. I hope bringing that up doesn't bring you down.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Chad,

Your comments definitely do help me! About the insurance, I am pretty sure I won't have it, but I am clarifying that with HR and I should find out by tomorrow.
I am 32 and people have told me I'm over the hill in gay years. I never went clubbing or flirt endlessly with guys in my early 20s, and now I wish I had...or that I still could!.
I have also wished to get a terminal disease. So that people will never expect a bright future for me. No one will expect me to put forth all this effort into my future if I'm dying of a disease right? But that can't be right to think that way.
We tend to negate any possible positives that might come our way in the future. I tend to think that is an insidious thing that depression does to us in making us think that way. If we give into it, we are basically telling depression and anxiety to devour us.
Like you, I find little joy in anything. It's called anhedonia. Even when everyone is laughing or having fun, it is actually painful to try to laugh with them at times. How messed up I am!

Z