blue new year

I haven't posted for a couple of months, but I've been finding myself logging back into PC these past few days... probably because I'm really struggling again. I've lived with depression on and off for almost 9 years. I've done (and am still doing) therapy and meds. I'm also struggling with grief after the death of my father...the person I was closest to... this fall. The last couple of months, I've felt crappy, but it has seemed more like grief than depression. Now, it is starting to seem like the depression is back with full force. I have no energy, even though I'm sleeping up to 14 hours at a time. My mood is awful, I have very little self-esteem, I'm isolating even from people who are trying to reach out to me. I have almost no motivation to do anything, and it is hard to find the energy even to care.
It is also hard to find the energy to hope things will get better, even when I'm doing things that objectively might help. I started a new psych med this week, and my therapist wants me to do EMDR. I'm going to drag myself to a social gathering tonight. I did go over to a friend's house for a little while last night. Still, it is hard to find it in me to hope or care... I only want to curl up and sleep for a long time.

Can anyone out there relate to this?

I thoroughly relate. I've lived with depression, anxiety and ADD throughout my life, but the past 4 years have been the worst. I've never been this lacking in motivation before. The drive for activities I always loved, mostly art-related, have dropped away. I've learned not to talk about my feelings with most people. It makes them uncomfortable. I do feel better when I'm around people, which isn't often enough, living alone. I should have gone to a meditation group tonight, but I felt exhausted after a miserable day emotionally. I'm sorry for your loss. That must be tough, and grief would certainly exacerbate depression. I hope you feel some relief soon. I tried EMDR with a few therapists. It seemed to work with one issue and one of the therapists. A lot of people feel benefitted by it for trauma issues. Best wishes.

I can relate too.


I've tried EMDR too, and ti does work, but it's also incredibly rough.

Yes,I relate fully.I have been that way since....well...geez a reeely long time.I am sooo sorry you are feeling this badly .I try to distract myself as much as possible...and sensor the incoming negativity.Tonight I will FORCE me to paint and watch a comedy in hopes of me smiling.But you are not alone darlin.I send warm safe hugs or just a hope of u feeling better....WO.olf

You are not by yourself. I've been suffering from depression as long as I can remember. It gets really unbearable sometimes. I've always found that any kind of gardening makes me feel better..if I can make myself do it.

I can relate to what you are going through. I have been feeling much better able to cope for the last few weeks but this morning I woke up and I am not so good I am scared that I will be back in the pit again. Not a good feeling at all.

I am new to this site. First post, but I can certainly relate very well to this thread. Probably already known, but starting a new med can be a rocky road for a few weeks, sometimes making things worse along the way.

I see various opinions on EMDR. I tried it once. The experience was a bit strange. In my case, the T tapped my knee while probing my childhood and teen years. I responded with the best of my abilities (I am in my 50's). I found the experience interesting, but it didn't really provide me any real insights. I had previously spent several weeks of introspection, including writing things down, etc. It's even possible that my prior insights tainted my responses during EMDR, but who knows?... It certainly didn't do any harm.

You said that you are isolating yourself even from people reaching out to you. It's very difficult, especially when your self esteem is waning, but it's really one of the best things you can do right now. Best of luck getting beyond your current state, and also with your new meds.

garden gal

I sure can relate to what you've been experiencing. I often fight myself, to do whatever, even if I don't want to. Because I "should". Don't let myself pull away from everyone. That doesn't make you feel any better though, I know.

Writing down the gist of thoughts and emotions does let me feel a little better. Talking with my T helps me put things into perspective for a little while. A nurse also comes weekly, to be sure that I am taking my meds & at the correct dosage. She is kind, and talks to me about her own experiences with major depression. She's been there too, which helps me feel a little better understood. (Rather than worrying that life can't ever get better.)

I've heard about EMDR too, it has been suggested a couple of times to me. Not sure that I'm ready to take that step, myself, but I do know a lady who it has helped through her depression and self-hate quite a bit. Her demeanor and general attitude about life has dramatically improved! It isn't easy though, and you have to be ready to take that step in life. (That's my perspective anyway. I'm not yet ready to accept the past, and that needs to be done before you can go forward any further.)

Gentle hugs to you ~ You're in my thoughts...

In my first EMDR experience, it seemed effective in decreasing the intensity of grief over a hot button issue. In my third time around with a different therapist, we progressed through a few stages/scenarios from early childhood. Then, I got stuck at the next level, about age 8 and memories of schoolmates and feeling like an outsider, horribly self-conscious and isolated. Maybe it's because those issues are still relevant in my present life. I think I actually got worse over the months, but that may not be related necessarily. I wonder if it's worth trying to pick it up again. I'm still seeing the EMDR therapist, but now I'm just venting and crying a lot in sessions (and feeling like I'm wasting my and her time).

Garden Gal,

It's good to hear from you... I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now. I can relate. This all just seems to take so long and go so... slowly. My T wants me to try EMDR too (for one main issue).
...Is there a way you could try the new TMS treatment? A friend of mine has had good luck with it... though I know it isn't easy to get to with insurance and all.

Be gentle with yourself. There is no time limit on how long it takes to heal. Give yourself room. Do any and all of the things that give you even a little bit of pleasure.
Sending many supportive thoughts your way...

Elana

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I'm actually feeling a little bit better today. I've managed to get to the gym two days in a row, which has already made a big difference in my energy. And, I think maybe my medication-of-the-moment (Lexapro) might be starting to do something. Although I couldn't get myself out of bed until 11:30 this morning, I've managed to stay upright the rest of the day, and accomplished a few tasks. I even got the dreaded dishes washed. So, fingers crossed, things are going a bit better.

Glad to hear it.

I feel alot of human compassion in this thread...it want to say txx to the contributors.May we all find peace and healing~W~

May all beings be happy. Metta/lovingkindness.