[dexter]

So what will be my motivation to get out of bed early tomorrow?

Last week on Tuesday they were supposed to pick me up for evaluation, I got up early, no one showed up, I found out late in the afternoon that there had been a delay.

I didn't know whether they would be there Wednesday or not, but since the evaluation was set up on Monday and it was supposed to go into effect the very next day, I thought "delay" might mean "one more day" reasonable, no?

But the next morning the alarm went off and I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. I went back into a restless sleep waiting for the doorbell to ring or a horn to honk. Got out of bed and nothing. I emailed. Thursday I stayed in bed. Nothing, and no response to my email. Friday I stayed in bed. Nothing. But I did hear back from them, they had set me up to take me to the evaluation the following Monday. I got through the weekend with that hope in place.

Monday morning, well they were an hour late but they showed up. And I did get an email in the morning saying they were running late. They took me in for the evaluation, and said I was OK for the partial program, insurance covered, everything. They would pick me up. I specifically asked when it would start and they said "tomorrow".

So Tuesday I get up early. It is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings. Nothing. But I do hear from them, they are sorry, there was a problem with the transportation service. They would come tomorrow.

Today is tomorrow. I wake up early and get dressed. Nothing, and no word from them. I go back to bed.

So I plan to be prepared tomorrow. After all, I want this, and I'd rather err on the side of being ready for them if they do come to pick me up. But I know how freakin' tired I am going to be when that alarm goes off tomorrow. Last week I was right to stay in bed for the rest of the week. If I had tried to get up I would be even more tired and stressed. So do I sleep in tomorrow and wait to hear from them? Right now I say "definitely no... get up and be ready" but I just don't know if I am going to have the willpower tomorrow.

Its been getting harder and harder to sleep at night too, even though I have been trying to sleep less during the day. Mostly I feel anxious at night. Today I was out of bed all day (after going back to sleep when the bus didn't show). I am so tired.

And I have to reply to my boss before I go to bed tonight, that's going to be even more stress.

<hr>

I've been complaining a lot lately haven't I.

[jmo531]

Hi Dex

Situations like this %#@&#! me off. I can not believe they are treating you like this. You have come forward, which takes much courage, and have asked for help. So what do they do.....they screw your around.

If it were me, I would email letting them know that this "I'll be there tomorrow, were running late" BS has reached it's limit and they need to get their act together.

As far as the sleep thing goes, I can relate to you so well. Nightime is very, very difficult for me. It seems that I can sleep like a baby during the day but when the night comes...............I can hear myself blink and it drives me crazy. I guess I can give you the same song and dance and say, drink chamomile tea, blah, blah blah but I wont. I think you shoud take a nice hot shower, and try to visualize washing all the stress away. Really concentrate on that one task of relaxation because it is so very hard to obtain true relaxation. I also use ativan as a back up to help me relax and sleep. Maybe you could try this also. Staying awake duing the day helps too because the time nightime rolls around your pretty tired and ready for that sleep. Just keep trying Dex. It seems that you are doing all you can at this point and unfortunatly, the system is jerking you around.

You know what else I do to relax and I know it sounds dumb, but I play my computer games. Not just any game but SCRABBLE. It is challenging and gets your mind working trying to come up with bigger and better words. LOL. This also makes me very tired. Just a thought.

I wish you peaceful rest and sweet dreams. Take care


Huggles

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi Dex I guess YOU are your motivation because you want to be well...BUT I would be so fed up and busting out mad.....I think I would cry at all this BS
you have had to put up with
HUGS

[BlueFaith]

Geez, I can certainly understand the frustration! And that's putting it lightly. I'd be pulling my hair out by now, dex. I hope you are able to at least maintain yourself as much as you have so far. I think you are doing exceptionally well given the circumstances.... which are not your fault at all. Hang in there.

[dexter]

Grrrrrrrrr.

Why am I upset with myself?

I got out of bed when the alarm went off this morning but just could not bring myself to shower and dress. I had an awful time sleeping last night and did not really fall asleep until after 4:00am. I am also almost out of the sleep aid my doc prescribed so I don't know how I am going to get any sleep at all when that is gone.

I'm back in bed and I hear a car horn. I leap out of bed, it is 8:30, look out my window and there is a van outside. #@%$!!! I throw some clothes on and go downstairs (at 4:00am I took some more painkiller so I was able to get down the stairs FAST) and there is no one there. I don't even know that that was them, could have been someone honking for a neighbor.

So I'm all revved up now, don't know if I missed my chance for today or if I'm all worked up over nothing. I check my email and there is an email from the program saying they were at my house yesterday but I did not answer the door. Which is BS... I was showered and dressed by 7:15 and watched from my window (my computer is next to my window) until about 9:30 when I gave up and went back to bed. Even if they had come after that I would have still heard the doorbell, I was still dressed and ready to go. I might not have heard a horn, but doesn't "you did not answer the door" (the exact words in the email) imply they rang the doorbell? And if that was them this morning they most certainly did not ring.

So why am I mad at myself? I replyed to the email, but was very careful to be polite as I feel that if I upset them they won't come back tomorrow. That is probably stupid, and judging from the comments here, I probably should have given them heck (I still could have done that politely but I didn't have to be walking on eggshells when I responded).

I am so tired. I'm sitting here dressed and feeling all yucky because I did not shower. I probably be headed back to bed but will be even more restless because of this situation.

[dexter]

Someone is here now to take me.

See you all this afternoon.

fayeroe sends big kisses and i send good vibes. lita sends little kisses and teddy jack is embarrassed to send anything. he's too manly.

[silver_queen]

So they have finally turned up? That's great!

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((Dex))))))))))))))))))

Hoping all go's well today for you. I really am so sorry your having such a hard time right now. Please let us know how it went today. OK?

Huggles

[dexter]

Hello everyone, I am home.

That apparently was the van earlier that I missed, and since the van company apparently told the program that they were here yesterday (they weren't) they sent someone to the house to check on me. At first they seemed concerned that I was lying to them and was just skipping the program (they were NOT rude about it, and I think it is a valid concern) but once they saw I was anxious to go they took me there, even gave me a few minutes to shower and re-dress (and post that short note here... sorry but I didn't want to keep them waiting longer).

It went well today, and I am (cross fingers) set up for no problems tomorrow.

I liked the group but didn't really get a full taste of the program. I didn't even see the doctor yet. I did get there late and it seems like the doctor does "rounds" earlier in the morning. They also said they would talk to me about other resources I may need help with.

While that is great news, I am still skeptical about my ability to crawl out of this. Emotionally, yes. But it may be the case that the only real solution is to sell my house. The idea of moving with no one to help me terrifies me... partly the move itself but moreso the idea that there is no one around in my life to give me the support I may need so what is the point?

Just the idea of not having a car... no way to get around myself... lack of the freedom I've depended on all my life, and now know that if that fails I have no one else to depend on... so what if my condition gets worse? What when my arthitis gets so bad I can barely move? I don't have any savings anymore either where I could "buy" myself out of that situation in the future... i.e. put myself in a private facility or something. There will likely be no one around when I die (not that I'm planning on doing that any time soon). And don't think that being at the mercy of the pickup van for the past two weeks didn't reinforce my fears of not being able to get around on my own...

Anyway I have an open mind and can't make any sort of judgement on the program after one day. Gee that sounds like a huge disconnect after the previous paragraph. I know that most of that comes from the garbled thinking of depression, but a lot of it is real, too... like the possibility that I can't afford to stay here, and I can't imagine how I would deal with that even without depression interfering.

Anyway I'll end this focusing on something good... something small but definitely good and definitely real... the lunch there was good today and I got to take two leftover sandwiches home with me. And without any guilt that I might be taking food from someone more needy... they were just going to be thrown out at the end of the day. Tomorrow I may bring my backpack to take home all the extras.

[(JD)]

let's eat then! Sounds good to me, Dexter. In any sense, it's better than what has been going on... take it slowly, remember your depression will try and tell you lies about everything, so no quick decisions in that way, ok? TC ((((dexter)))))

I'm glad for you that you could finally go. You wanted so much to go.

(((((((((((((((Dexter)))))))))))))))))

Take good care!
Time0

[dexter]

I did eat another sandwich tonight. Filled me up.

I've been hesitant to say "anxiety" in my posts because I don't feel like I am having an anxiety attack. I also don't feel the same way I did when I was first hit by depression, which as racing thoughts at night, very bad, keeping me awake all night.

What I have now is a sort of low level anxiety. I can feel my heart beating just a little faster than normal. The problem is that it is constant. It came on as soon as I was eating tonight. It gets triggered by almost anything... on TV anything about cars, homes, money, jobs, etc... even the fact that it is slightly chilly in my house now and I still haven't paid the oil bill from last winter.

And once it starts it keeps going, like the energizer bunny. Nothing I do seems to be able to relax it... meditation, music, breathing, etc. And it is part of what is keeping me up at night.

Something definitely for me to talk about tomorrow in group.

Thank you everyone. I know how negative I have been but its just stuff I need to get out.

[(JD)]

(((((((Dexter))))) anytime bud! Hope it goes well in group! Don't apologize!

[ozzie]

Hi dexter. I'm really glad they finally picked you up. I hope this program will be a lot of help for you. No need to apologize for venting. We all do plenty of that. You're a good listener too and that's great for those of us who need to vent. Take care.