[VeryTiredAlways]

I've never felt this low in my life. This is my first post here, I've always been too delusional to admit I suffer from depression. But, I've also never felt this low before.

My entire immediate family suffers from depression. My mother is a manic depressant who is a roller coaster which is a struggle to say the least. My sister also suffers from depression, but is rather strong and rarely has an episode.

I guess my life changed a few months ago I came home from class to find my mother barely breathing in bed. She had attempted to take her own life. I found her, vomit all over, completely out of it, and barely breathing. I didn't even feel human, I had zero emotions, just called the ambulance, kept my mother awake until they came, notified my sister who was a wreck, and spent the next few days @ the hospital. I can't even remember if I cried for her. I've cried one time in my life that I recall (up until recently) when my aunt died of breast cancer. I am still ashamed that I did not cry when my mother attempted to take her own life and I still partially blame myself for her OD attempt. I feel like I left her alone. I am glad I found her and not my sister -- because it's something she would have never gotten over.

I've been a bit of a recluse the past few years. Basically, I go to work/school come home, eat in my room, read in my room, watch tv in my room, do homework on the pc in my room, or just go out to the bar with friends. I don't really socialize with my mother or sister who I live with. I don't know why. I love them, but I don't know... I just don't bring myself to do it often.

I've had a pretty bad week. I have been overwhelmed with exams during class, working 40 hour weeks, and a recent break up with a girl I had been seeing who my feelings were ridiculously strong for.

My mother had her suicide attempt about a week before the semester started -- I didn't bother showing up for my first Organic Chemistry class. I didn't even think I wanted to go to school anymore, but decided to show up to the second class. Before the class started, one of the best looking girls I've ever met in my life approached me and started talking to me, clearly liked me. I couldn't really believe it, but we began seeing each other after class, going out for drinks, and developed a relationship. She was very open -- told me everything about her family, introduced me to her brother and family, and all the while I stayed very guarded and refused to let her in on much. Basically, all but told me she was in love with me. She practically begged me to open up to her about myself and I never did. A few days ago, she told me she could not be with me if I didn't open up to her, she was crying, and I just walked away. She ran back to her ex-boyfriend and I am still crushed, but I blame myself for that. The worst part is we are still in class together and I can't avoid her. I thought I had pretty much accepted it, but I saw her tonight and I realized how big of a mistake I made. It's pretty much torture seeing her and I have a few more weeks of it.

It's 2AM, I have a 7AM exam, followed by an 8 hour work shift. I still have quite a bit of homework to do, I'll probably stay up til 5AM thinking about how big of a mistake I made with a girl I am hopelessly in love with and eventually fall asleep. I thought about suicide for the first time in my life today -- I could never do it, but I just feel very low right now.

I have seen a therapist before and it doesn't work. I am way too guarded and just sit there staring at the clock, wasting his and my time + $. Not sure what I am going to do.

[jilliebeanmn]

I wish I had some profound insight or advise...I don't. But, I do understand depression and am sending good thoughts and prayers your way. HUGS!

[EJ711]

Hi Very Tired Always,

Being depressed is just a huge energy drain.

In reviewing your post, don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?

You did the best thing you could have done for your mother when she tried to overdose. You didn't have time to cry. It was great you knew exactly what to do, and did it! That was a hard way for you to have to start a new semester.

It sounds like you are going to school full time and working full time. That is an enormous load to carry.

[lxegirl]

i'm so sorry for you- you've probably heard that alot. But posting is a good way to get stuff out there, it can be useful sometimes. Maybe try medicine, sounds like depression is in your genes, so maybe it can be solved with medicine, since you can't really control it. i wish i could tell you more. please hang in there.

[notablackbarbie]

I am sorry you are going through so much. I understand and agree with the idea that therapy could be a waste of money if you don't open up. But...how about counselling services at school (you are at college? university?) I see them for support while i work and study (both parttime), and it might help - as others have said - in getting stuff out there in a safe way to ease the pressure off. Not that therapy changes EVERYTHING around you, but it could help you...

Welcome to the Community, VeryTiredAlways. You talk about a number of concerns a therapist may help you with. As you are aware, therapy is a cooperative venture. If you refuse to participate, you cannot expect to benefit. That said, what you are doing is not working. If you should decide to give therapy another try, please consider printing your posts. I expect both you and the therapist would find them useful.

You might also want to start a journal. The journal will allow you to focus on how you are feeling and the concerns you face. You also may want to explore what you want from life and what is holding you back.

These links may be of use: http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/
http://www.wellsphere.com/mental-hea...therapy/782440
How to Choose a Therapist
Distinctions Between Therapists' Degrees

Good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Welcome VTA,

Hoping that your depression lifts and allows you to strengthen yourself. You are not responsible for your mothers attempt; she is an adult and she made the decision and no one else. So please don't blame yourself. Take heart and know that here you will be supported.

.

[VeryTiredAlways]

So, a few months later and I am back to barely being able to get out of bed and feeling as low as ever.

Two weeks ago, I went to the bar/casino every day of the week pretty much. I know it's a horrible combination, but I felt alone. My friends are all pretty much away at school or busy with their girlfriends. I played poker at the casino just for some human interaction and to get my mind off my misery.

Work has cut my hours from 35-40/week to one shift a week due to the store being slow. I have pretty much no motivation to get out of bed. I finished my degree, so I am no longer in college, which has made me even more depressed. I feel like I am wasting away my life. I have slept in until 3-4pm everyday and have done nothing, but play computer games and watch television.

The girl I mentioned in the original post and I got back together for a while somewhat. I decided to finally open up with her (first girl I have ever done this for) and everything was swell for a while. She was going through issues of her own during the holidays. Last year, her father died around the holidays, I was there for her. She cried in my arms multiple times, etc. I felt very vulnerable around this girl after opening up to her. I started to push her away again and then eventually did everything possible for her to cut me loose. It pretty much ended after one night we were out, went back to her house, slept together, and immediately after I just walked out and left, she begged me to stay, I didn't even kiss her goodbye, just left. Very cold. I realized this is my defensive mechanism. When I feel vulnerable - I push people away. I am trying to get over this girl, but just stupid stuff continues to remind me of her and it kills me inside.

I still haven't yet been able to grieve about my mother and her suicide attempt. Every time I am feeling alone I think about it though and it just haunts me. She has started to become concerned about my sleeping/eating habits. I have barely ate this week.

In my post a few months ago I mentioned I had tried therapists before and they don't work. However, I saw a therapist when I was younger and he did help me when I was very young. I am considering going to see him even though it's like a 45-50 minute drive from where I live now. I am going to do my best to stop gambling/drinking for a while. I doubt I can stop drinking, though.

[craZgirl]

(sigh).... i dot know what to tell you but it will come to pass

[VeryTiredAlways]

I hope so.

It's 5:30AM. I will sleep all day tomorrow, unfortunately.

[colmnach]

I doubted I could stop drinking as well. Until I realised I had a major problem with it and forced myself to get help with a Detox Service. It worked. Not for everyone, but it did work. About your other problems, being like a robot or very cold/distant.. seems to me (I could be wrong)-as if you are erecting a 'shield' so that you don't get hurt. Because you have been hurt before? Just guessing here. Just want to try and help, that's all. Hope you find that help.

[VeryTiredAlways]

Originally Posted by colmnach

I doubted I could stop drinking as well. Until I realised I had a major problem with it and forced myself to get help with a Detox Service. It worked. Not for everyone, but it did work. About your other problems, being like a robot or very cold/distant.. seems to me (I could be wrong)-as if you are erecting a 'shield' so that you don't get hurt. Because you have been hurt before? Just guessing here. Just want to try and help, that's all. Hope you find that help.

I don't know if it's that. I've been hurt before, of course, but nothing serious. I guess I haven't dared to try to care about anyone other than my family. I have always just been a very guarded person - as long as I can remember.

Often the women I see are shocked and totally turned off by some of my coldness. Most of the the women I meet are from my small social circle at a party or something and I am very sociable w/ a witty sarcastic humor and open to people at first. But, once they try to really get to know me or I feel vulnerable I just totally back away. My bestfriends in the world have no idea about my mom's suicide attempt to put in perspective how guarded I am. They literally know very little about me even though we are very close. Which isn't very normal - I don't assume so anyway.