Please help!! majorly depressed after confronting abuser!!

Hello,

As I uncover layers and layers off of why I'm feeling so depressed, I realized today that after I confronted my sexual abuser of 7 years, and he denied (which didn't really bother me) but the abusive texts bothered me.
He called me a failure in life, a loser.

That really hurt me. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like crap. I finished grad school 6 months ago, did terribly with grades because while studying all i could think of was my past, don't want a job in the industry i pursued, don't have a bf/husband-suck at relationships, don't have friends, don't have much family except my mom and that also maybe 1/4th, can't share everything with her she gets emotionally stressed and pounces on me, and then i get more emotionally stressed rather than relieved. she can't support me emotionally much.

I'm changing careers and following my dream, but now I don't even feel like doing that. I am too exhausted to do anything.

And I blame the SA for a chunk of this, and then HOW DARE HE CALL ME A FAILURE! that mother****er raped me and KNOWS he caused all this, and says these things back into my face.

I was so depressed yesterday, I had suicidal thoughts, please don't tell me to go get a therapist, i can't. I'm not in US and doctors laugh in my face when I tell them I'm depressed because I'm so young and i just finished my masters and oooh! that' can't be possible that i'm depressed, its probably just a motion i'm going through. um not really.

I try very hard to keep myself upbeat, but I'm exhausted from doing that too. For me to keep myself optimistic, I have to sit online and read articles on optimism for hours and hours and then maybe for like half a day, i'll feel good. but then I'm back down in the dumps.

I'm waiting to move to another city but now I'm just so scared, scared that I'll be alone (i've lived alone for 10 years now) but I'm scared that the same thing will happen, I'll have an emotional breakdown, and i'll cry every night to sleep.

Please help!! Please tell me how do i deal with that abusive text thats stuck to my head now. I do feel like a loser when I look around at my peers and how everyone has jobs, are buying condos, and I'm still struggling, emotionally, financially, relationship wise, and every way possible.

Oh I'm SO HAPPY you confronted this animal --- do you know WHY he called you those names?? Because you took his POWER away!!! That's why he's angry!! You reclaimed YOUR power and took his away!!! That is so wonderful!! You are such a STRONG person to be able to do this! I applaud you for doing this, because now he feels like he's been peeled wide open -- he feels like you took a big portion of his manhood away because these animals thrive on secrecy!!! You took that away from him!! TEEHEE!! Way to go !!! Even tho you didn't tell anyone else, by you confronting HIM - there are no "secrets" between you anymore.

You are NOT a loser!!! You just WON!!! You are NOT a failure in life -- for Pete's sake, you have your Masters!! Now you can go ahead and do whatever it is you want to do. There are NO MORE secrets. You told! You let that creep know that you weren't going to let him take your power away anymore and he was all thru. The ball is in YOUR court now!!!

Please don't be depressed - that's easy for me to say, but dearheart you have a wonderful life ahead of you. I cannot imagine what you've gone thru -- but you've made it clear to him that he can't hurt you anymore!! Don't let him live RENT FREE in your head!!! Close that off to him -- it's all done. You won. Visualize a wall in your mind and put that up to block him in your mind so you can't hear him anymore. I do that for "unsavory voices." I have this "clear plexiglass wall" that I visualize in my mind - these bad people are behind that wall and when they start talking I push an invisible button and the wall goes up -- that way I cannot hear them anymore. My shrink says it's a great idea -- and it works!! Sounds nuts, but if it works for me -- oh well. LOL

As far as your peers go -- why compare yourself to them?? You aren't "like" them. You are YOU. We're all different, and do things at different times and rates. You're still young ~ you can't expect to be financially secure yet - heavens I'm 61 and I'm STILL not financially secure! LOL Don't let THAT depress you -- i never went to college. And I've been in and out of therapy all my life -- I think finally i've graduated.

You have done great in my mind. And again - I applaud you!! I think you're great. And I think you'll DO great in life because you're strong! Big hugs, Lee

Thank You leed, I really needed to hear this

I also had told my entire family after i confronted him, and their responses wierded me out as well (wrote about that in my other posts).

i guess I compare myself to my peers because I really really wish I had a different life, a different childhood, then I'd have a different outcome. I'd be naturally positive and a hard worker. Now, even if i want to work hard on something I like, the thoughts of past come back... can't focus.

I had also expected a very different outcome for me at this age. When I was 20, I was very depressed but didn't know it, but i was very optimistic about the future and thought by the time I'm in my late 20s,I'll have a splendid career, a husband, career, friends, and a home. Yeah. BIG disappointment. Instead I found out, I have none of that but definitelyI've got TONS of problems, all thanks to my childhood. For the longest time I didn't even know I had had a bad childhood. I thought what I had was just normal! Feel like I just skipped 15 years of life for real.

I had a rotten childhood as well. There were 4 of us kids - our parents were both alcoholics. All four of us were ignored. We got NO parenting. We were NEVER told "I love you" - we NEVER got hugs, no pats on the back, no one told us "good for you" when we got good grades, NOTHING. We never had a curfew. We just brought ourselves up. We had to -- there wasn't anyone else to do it. They were either out somewhere getting drunk, or else at home doing it. Plus they had horrible fights -- physical fights. It terrorized us. So all 4 of us suffer from depression.

I think I'm the only one that went into therapy. I guess I was the hardest hit by all of it. I had an awful time dealing with life -- so guess what I did -- I became an alcoholic myself!! It does run in families, ya know. I drank heavily for 20 years - and then had enough. I went to AA and got sober -- and have been sober almost 18 years.

But I never fulfilled my dreams either. My life didn't end up the way I had thought it would. I got married right out of High School (no, I didn't HAVE to) because I wanted to get out of the house -- and my parents couldn't send me to college. I had a good job too - I didn't start having kids for 3 years, when I had my son. then 5 yrs later I had my daughter. I stayed married for 26 years. All thru that time, I too didn't realize how much my childhood was being carried along with me. At one point I committed myself to a mental ward in a hospital cause I was concerned for MY safety. I spent 2 wks there, and my shrink made me write a letter to my mother - telling my mother exactly how I felt about my childhood -- and she made me MAIL it!! You know what my mother wrote back??? She said "We didn't know those silly fights affected you kids." WHAT??? What did she expect? For us to party while they're trying to kill each other?

Anyway - that helped me to realize something -- that my "abusers" gave me what they were given. They can't give ME love if THEY weren't given any.

There might be something similar in your childhood. Perhaps your parents didn't give you something because they didn't have it to give. Or perhaps they abused you because THEY were abused. Things like this seem to follow generations -- until one generation puts a stop to it. I put a stop to the Non-loving. My kids were deluged with love -- and now my daughter is showering love on HER daughter. So we stopped the negligence! Perhaps there's something that YOU can stop so that this "abuse" or negligence won't be passed on.

Your life can't be a big disappointment because you STILL have PLENTY of time left. People get married too young - and then it ends up in divorce court. People have children too young -- and then the children have problems because they were raised by children. I wish I was your age again ~ I sure would do things differently. You are much more aware than I was - you're much more mature than I was. I'm still pretty darn naive. I think you'll be fine - and have a good life. I'm gonna keep my eye on you. LOL Hugs, Lee

Wow, Distressed2010 -- way to go! I am so glad you confronted your abuser. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been.

It sounds like Leed has given you some wonderful advice. I wish I had some wise words to add. I'm new here -- I wanted to offer my support. You sound like a good, kind, and STRONG person, and I think you should be very proud of yourself!

Boy, I can sure identify with wanting to have had a different childhood. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, and I have wasted a good deal of my life (I just turned 43) wishing I could have had a normal childhood.

I'm sending you a hug, too

Hang in there!

I felt that way, too, when I was younger. Spent 15 years with hubby #1, ten with #2 and now almost 13 with #3. I think all of my trials and troubles with #1 and #2 were preparing to be ready for #3 and to appreciate him. I wouldn't have looked at him as a suitable mate when I was younger--now I think of him as my "soul mate."

Life is a very long journey, if we are lucky, and when you are older you won't just evaluate the worth of your life in terms of posessions and relationships. You will look at the wiseness and strength you have developed as a person and the way you have learned to lead your life according to your values. I know you can't replace your lost childhood, but I suspect it has given you a wisdom beyond your years which will serve you very well now and in the future. You have shown strength in confronting your issues that I wish I had! Hope your life pleases you more with each passing day!

Thankyou so much for all that Lee and for telling me you're gonna keep an eye on me makes me feel better to have someone like that.

And I'm so sorry you went through so much of your own stuff and your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. I'm also sorry that I don't know what else to say as you're much elder and wiser to me, and I am not sure how to give comfort for life not turning out the way one wants, as I myself am still struggling with it.

I guess when you say that abusers didn't give you because they didn't get it themselves, I understand what you're saying and I've tried thinking of it in that way. What bothers me is that why did I deserve this? I was a child and innocent, its not like karma was trying to hit me in the face, then why me? Yeah, i think that's the prime question that hits my head. Also, whenever I see something wrong with me, I get angry at the people in my past for not holding up to their responsibilities and teaching me the right thing. For ex: i'm depressed, I get angry at my abuser, my parents and everyone in my childhood because I feel if so much of abuse wouldn't have been there, i wouldn't be this way... not sure if that's a bad way of thinking..

Welcome Avidreader and thank you very much for responding to my post! I'm so sorry about your childhood and I'm sure you will find lots of support here. Its a wonderful place