I Admit It.

I'm struggling. I am REALLY struggling.

It's taken me so long to admit it to anyone because my life has just been getting better and better. I have an amazing fiance, I have moved to a new home, hundreds of miles away from where all the abuse happened, I have a job, I am a model, I am a good musician and I am a very good person.

So why do I feel so terrible?

Basically it started a few weeks ago when I'd go to the train station to go to work and ever since then, every so often the thought of 'what if I jumped in front of a train?' has crossed my mind and today, I so nearly did it. I so nearly took that step and did it.

I have been so, so positive and so determined to recover from this but people keep making it harder for me and it seems that it's never gonna be easy for me, that I'm always gonna struggle like this. I am happy with how my life is. Okay, things have happened that have hurt and work isn't going so great anymore and I'm still struggling with money and moving etc and my Birth Mother is being very hurtful towards me... But I'm happy with how my life is mostly.

I just feel like now that I'm fixing everything, slotting it all into place, everyone thinks I'm fine and can cope and get on with my life, that I don't suffer with depression anymore. For goodness sake, it doesn't happen overnight! I tried purging the other night because I was feeling so awful about myself, but David (fiance) got there too quickly and knocked on the bathroom door, which just made me feel even worse. Eurgh.

So again, I've been thinking about suicide and self harm, about going back to my ED and all that crap. But hope keeps screaming "HELL NO LADY! YOU'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD TO BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW! SITDOWN!" Something inside me stops me doing it. I think it's mostly down to Dave. Knowing that he totally adores me and would feel so guilty for not being able to help because I hadn't told him about how I was feeling. But moreso because of myself. I will NOT give up on 6 months self harm/suicide free. Knowing that I'd have to start all over again really upsets me. And knowing that it'll just ruin my modelling career even more hurts even more.

My manager at work has been not giving me day shifts because of my scars. She's been discriminating against me because of my scars, ever since she first saw them. I found out through one of the girls I've become really close with and she cried when she told me. I'm really hurt by it. I used to work with knives every day for God's sake! And that company never said a word about my scars! They put their faith in me and it paid off! So why, is the manager of a BAR, discriminating against a member of her bar staff who hasn't got a SINGLE fresh cut or scar, who hasn't cut in 6 months and who doesn't touch knives at work??

Because it's "not professional and will put customers off." DISGUSTING LOAD OF BULLS**T. I'm totally at a loss for what to say or do and I feel so utterly let down

I'm gonna stop whinging now.. I guess I just wanted someone to show me that they care and let me know that things will be okay and just listen. I feel so awful lately.

Bless your heart ~ It sounds to me like you've made wonderful progress!!! But I know that's all on the outside -- it doesn't show what you feel on the inside. I AM so happy that you haven't harmed yourself in 6 months!! That had to take great strength to NOT do that when everything inside is telling you to DO it. You are winning the battle! Now you've got to win the war. LOL This will take time ~ do you have a therapist?? I would hope so. If not, is there any chance of your seeing one? I think there are some issues that you need to talk to one about. These thoughts of suicide need to be addressed with a professional.

And I think your boss/manager is full of it. Putting you on nights because it would "put off" customers is BULL. It wouldn't faze me one bit - and chances are good I wouldn't even NOTICE. And does he/she think that people aren't going to DRINK because of it? That's INSANE. If people come in to drink, they'll drink if the place is on FIRE. lol So that excuse doesn't hold water. There's got to be more to it than that. I'm not buying that one.

You seem to have a huge will to live and yet you have these suicidal thoughts. I hope and pray that you will talk with a therapist. You are too vital a person to be this miserable. You have your whole life ahead of you ~ and a GREAT life at that. Please get the help that you deserve. God bless you ~ and take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

I don't have much by way of advice, I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote, I care that you're struggling so much right now, and I do think things will get better. You have so much going for you, you will get better.

Cyran0

You are heard, understood, and cared about.

It's remarkable how easily people can be fooled into thinking everything's okay. I do it all the time. Makes it difficult, though, when things have become too hard to cope with.

I wrote a WHOOOOOOOLE long reply to all this and now it's deleted because my laptop decided to be a bum. GRRRRRRR!!!! Today is just NOT my day!!!!! (((((((

I'll reply another time... Thanks for the replies.

Okay, so I officially feel really, really bad tonight. Like. Really bad

I'm sat here listening to music and all I want to do is cry my eyes out. My fiance's Mum broke her ankle today. She broke her other ankle a while ago and it's only just healed, but yesterday she fell and broke this one. She came home from the hospital sobbing her heart out and she said to me "Oh Kirsten, I don't think I can cope with another 6 weeks off work". I felt so sad and awful for her

So, because work have messed around with my hours, I'll be helping her this week and running around for her. I don't mind doing that because it makes me feel useful and it gives me a break from feeling down all the time..

Just. Last night was such a bad shift at work. Everyone seemed to want a piece of me and not in a good way. It seemed that everyone just wanted to snap at me and blame me for everything. I'm sick of it and I just feel like such a punch bag.

Even my own Mother is acting like a cow to me. And she's not known me for 16 years of my life yet the time that I make the effort to get to know her, all she can do is be nasty to me because I wasn't there for Mother's day because I'm living 200 miles away?!?! Jeez. It's not my fault she's an alcoholic and I didn't want to talk to my drunk Mother. Or is it? Is it such a terrible thing that I'm protecting myself from insults and bullsh*t from my drunk Mother? Today I just want to cry.

Cry, Cry, CRY.

No! Quite the opposite!

I hope you can have a refreshing cry.

Thanks Rohag...

She called me again yesterday and left 2 voicemails. She was even more drunk that time, so I ignored her calls all day and haven't called her back. I feel mean to her, but I'm hoping she'll learn that until she can call me when she's sober, I won't answer her. I hate having to be like this towards her, but I've had enough of being soft and putting a blanket over everything, acting like it's all okay with her when actually, it's not.

I had a photo shoot last night and for the first time, I let go of my fear of looking like an idiot. I normally don't free pose or try new and unusual poses because I'm afraid of doing it 'wrong', but last night I did it and some of the images that have come out are fantastic, it's incredible. I'm so pleased with what I did and it's been such ha positive move for me. I've put one of the images on Facebook and everyone is saying how stunning it is It's wonderful to see how one small change has made such a difference in me.

Today I'm spending the day at home, catching up on things like this and generally relaxing. I've had a tough few days and if I don't rest up today, I'll have a total burn out and I don't want that at all.

I'm still not feeling 100% but I'm feeling a little better than I was. Just hope nothing happens this week to bring me down again.

The title of your post just jumped out at me and I had to read it-- "I admit it". What a brave thing to say.
I admire you. Keep hanging on.

So glad to hear it! Considering how dark it can get, a little better can make a big difference.

Thanks luna, it means a lot.

Yesterday, I had a photo shoot that I was worried about going to. I didn't want to do the journey, I didn't feel up to posing in front of the camera and such, but I did it. And man am I glad I did it, because I'm now an agency represented model. I was worried about doing it because I didn't think they'd say I was good enough, but the photographer seemed pretty impressed and said for having only been modelling for 6 months, I've got core skills and am better than just a beginner.

So that really cheered me up and I thought it would help. But yesterday my eating was way out of sync and it was terrible. I got home and David got frustrated because I couldn't eat anything, I got frustrated when I was trying to just FIND something to eat without looking at the calorie and fat content, but it just wasn't happening! Every time I went to go and buy something, that little voice in my head said 'there'll be something with lower calories and fat', so in the end I walked out empty handed, very frustrated and even more angry at myself. In fact, I cried because of it. I cried because I'm scared. I'm scared this is gonna go too far and I'm gonna end up collapsing or something (I have work tomorrow), but I'm too scared to eat anything.

I WANT to eat something, I feel like utter crap today because of no food! But I just can't do it. A friend of ours has invited us out for dinner tonight. Dave seemed wary because of me, but I said "No, we're going. I'll just have a salad or something." It gives me a reason to eat something because I'm not gonna sit there and make it obvious that I have problems with eating. But then again it gives me a reason not to have breakfast or lunch today. I don't feel hungry at all, I feel slightly weak, I don't have a headache which is unusual for me, and I just don't feel particularly inclined to eat anything. Maybe if I were feeling really hungry, I'd feel desperate to force myself to just eat something. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm scared right now. Really scared.