[Valis]

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and my family wants me to come home to be with them.

But me and my family has a real bad past experinces which invovled things I can't particularly bring to the surface of my thoughts right now for it would be to painful. Lets just say that it invovled lots of abuse ( I hate that term).

Every time I think of going home I think of all the issues that were never solved when I lived there, and all of the pain and suffering I had to go through which involved them to a large length.

Its the hardest thing to sit in front of the people who use to hurt you mentally and phyiscally so much, and just smile like nothing has happened. Not to mention that last Christmas when I went over there all of the problems blew up in our faces. All the old dirt came up and the fighting and things I just don't even want to remember right now.

There is so much I want to say, but can't verbalize right now and I feel completely awful knowing that in about two weeks from now I will be sitting in a place which I do not want to be...a place which I know problems will arise.

I really don't want to go...I don't think my mental capacity could handle going, but my family is pushing me and I know I cannot let them down or the consequence would be worse...

anyone have ANY ideas of how to get away form this with the least damage?

sigh...I don't know ...I feel like I'm victimizing myself.

[(JD)]

As adults, we have "permission" to decide what we will or won't do. We are not required by others (especially family) to comply. There are consequences and benefits to nearly every decision. If you decide to NOT go, be sure to plan something more enjoyable for you in it's place. (and YES you may use this as an excuse to not make it home for the holiday! There is life after "family thanksgiving" getogethers! TC of yourself!

you know what we used to do? instead of going to the drunken, falling down, idiot meal at my husband's family home...we invited all of those who didn't have family to go to.

you might invite a friend or two to share the day with you. even if you only have sandwiches and cokes, it's THANKSGIVING. you're an adult. do what is best for you....xoxoxo pat

[SeptemberMorn]

Instead of waiting around to see if my DIL will allow us around my granddaughter and arguing and fighting with my youngest son, hubby and I have decided to go out of town and be unavailable to them. As least *I* am planning on having a good time sightseeing! Why stick around and make ourselves even more miserable? We don't HAVE to. You have the same choice.

[dexter]

I used to have Thanksgiving with my friend Michelle in Manhattan. Her mom was a great cook, she a great baker, and sometimes I would make a corned beef to bring (I bet they still have the little contruction-paper turkey head on-a-toothpick that I stuck into the corned beef one year as a joke )

Anyway I used to do this to get out of dinner with my family. I would ask Michelle if I could come to Thanksgiving WAY early in the year, so that by the time my mom mentioned it I could say "Gee I'm sorry I already have other plans".

This was all because I could not stand to be around my dad. He would take every opportunity at a family dinner to manipulate me, so I just stopped going to them.

[Valis]

Thanks for all of your comments and support.

I like the idea of bringing a friend fayerody...and I will have to see into that.

Also...Septembermom, I understand what you are saying when you say:

" Why stick around and make ourselves even more miserable? We don't HAVE to. You have the same choice"

I have thought of that too many times...but I have always been taught that the, "family before oneself" rule. I do live on my own, and I am an adult who can make my own decisions...but I dunno, my family is extremely pensive when it comes to these things. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel obligated to go even though my personal desires says not to.

Should the family be an obligation? Should I just say "forget it" and do what I want because of things that happen in the past?

This is the arguement my parents usually bring up. To them, It all comes down to me forgetting what happened back then and moving on.

In situations like these I feel like everyone is telling me to move on from the past and stop complaining (even though I try my hardest do not talk about these issues.)

Thanks once again for all the sound advice...I find I need it more and more these days.

[dexter]

>>but I have always been taught that the, "family before oneself" rule.

Well even that is a "relative" rule, not an absolute. For example it wouldn't hold true that if you had an accident and fractured your leg, and your family needed transportation to get haircuts... it wouldn't be expected that you ignore your broken leg and drove them to the barber simply because "family" comes before "oneself"

So it boils down to the relative importance of attending the family dinner vs your needs for health. Now I'm sure that they all underestimate the "importance" of keeping yourself emotionally healthy, and they probably overestimate the importance of dinner (I mean, will the world fall off its axis if you don't go to Thanksgiving dinner? Maybe they think it will!)

So maybe "Family before oneself" means being there when they really need you, when there is something that you can really do to help a need. Maybe it doesn't have to include a dinner that is only "important" because they define it to be so.

So you have to make that evaluation for yourself... you've been given some other options here as well that will help so remember that you have options and don't let them force you!

[Valis]

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dexter said:

Well even that is a "relative" rule, not an absolute. For example it wouldn't hold true that if you had an accident and fractured your leg, and your family needed transportation to get haircuts... it wouldn't be expected that you ignore your broken leg and drove them to the barber simply because "family" comes before "oneself"

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Yes...I see your point and its very sound...makes me feel foolish for not being able to solve this problem myself...or at least rationalized the best method of action.

I have been think about the situation (maybe too much for my own good) and I think that I just might not go. What will be my reason for not going? I have no idea, but hopefully they will not make such a simple issue something huge.

But on the other hand...I'm getting to point where I think problems need to be fixed rather than avoided...but I have been down that road before and several times over I have learned the lesson of, "you can't change others who don't want to be changed."

To be honest my family is really all that I have (never been good at making close friends) and I would hate to be disowned for this...I do not know what I would do with no one around - even those who have hurt me.

Thanks again Dexter - "your wisdom runs like water"

[dexter]

>>makes me feel foolish for not being able to solve this problem myself

Not foolish!!! Family "connections" whether healthy or unhealthy can be the hardest things to see "objectively" because they are so colored by perception our whole lives... for a long period of time they are our "whole world"... like it has been said, the reason it is so easy for your parents to "push your buttons" is because they are the one's who installed them

That's why we have places like this where we can get others ideas... we can't be objective about our own families but it is much easier to be so with others... so we can toss you ideas and thoughts and then you can decide if any of them are appropriate, practical, something you want to try.

In fact that is a very smart way of "doing business"... I'm not just being pedantic here... it shows your LACK of foolishness that you come here, are able to express your concerns and seek other solutions. Assuming that a solution MUST be acheived by oneself without any help or ideas from others... THAT is the "foolish" track IMO.

my youngest daughter, at age 14, was given a tee-shirt that said "family..can't kill 'em and can't live with 'em".....she was having a very rebellious year.

i believe that taking care of oneself is more important than doing what the family "expects" of you...if the end result is more hurt for you. i know it's hard. i fully understand it...xoxoxo pat